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| Posted: Thu Dec 3rd, 2020 12:28 pm |
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1st Post |
echo insider
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Verse 1
I dared a climb to the theater of my mind at the peak of fall
when miserable movies brought winter into the numinous halls
every silver screen showed scenes from a life I'd rather not recall
old memories buried behind the black memes of bad dream
Chorus
if i could run that reel again
I would break what made me bend
live a life that's real not pretend
if i could run that reel again
Verse 2
roads I had chosen were gilded for the weak
while the love left behind is gold I desperately seek
like a child, self-involved his tongue on a truth too abstruse to speak
feels like I missed out by living in doubt of a reason
Chorus
Bridge
As rats on wheels run races for life
through posthumous spring's viscous blood sacrifice
does summer's fading light loathe to run that reel again
Verse 3
Stay bold and blind and you can carry this pain to the sky
least that's what i hear, heart on my sleeve nothing to hide
as I stand here with you, my friend of ill-comfort who still decides
to help me to carry the burdens seen on silver screens
Chorus
Copyright© 2018 by T. E. Byers
Last edited on Fri Dec 4th, 2020 12:45 pm by echo insider
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| Posted: Fri Dec 4th, 2020 05:11 am |
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JAPOV
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I like your concept! But, perhaps your 6/8 music will lend reason to some of your wording. It also doesn't seem very country lol... I'd really like to hear this 
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| Posted: Fri Dec 4th, 2020 09:46 am |
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| Posted: Fri Dec 4th, 2020 03:28 pm |
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BRD
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I wrote a song once, sang it for my wife who has a master's degree in music. I told her that I knew it wasn't 4/4 or 3/4 time, but I couldn't figure out the time signature. She said it was 6/8. So, I did it on accident once. But, since you have the time signature figured out, I'm going to assume that any rhythmic issues that I was trying to work out, you already have.
About the lyrics!
I really love the chorus. I think it's strong, poignant...I think everyone that's 40 years old or better understands the chorus and this song exactly. We all have moments in our lives, choices we made that were the "right choice" but not the one that was in our heart. Now we wonder....what if? How many of us wonder what would have happened if we had said no to that 9 to 5 job and packed up and said we're going to give Nashville songwriting a shot, daggum it? I think the song will speak to a lot of people. Great subject matter.
The only thing I would say that would be a critique is I had to look some of the words up either to confirm what I thought they meant or to get a clue at all. Now, I'm just a country boy from Arkansas, so that might have had something to do with it.
But, like I said. Love the message in the song. Hits home for us too responsible/afraid to have a real midlife crisis.
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| Posted: Sat Dec 5th, 2020 09:00 pm |
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echo insider
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Thanks BRD for giving a thoughtful critique. I like the opportunity to reflect on your perspective. I agree that regret is a good topic for a song. How we can look back on scenes that we can't change and how that makes us feel horrible and overall unappreciative of the life left us. I think that's why the movie vehicle works. Some changes could make this significantly better. I appreciate your help.
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| Posted: Sat Dec 5th, 2020 10:10 pm |
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RainyDayMan
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I like the message here. As BRD said, I think many of us can relate to looking back over our lives with some degree of dissatisfaction, and at things we would like to change.
The movie reel is a good metaphor for that, and the concept of it running in our heads is a good one.
The verses have an abstract, poetic feel to them. It has a unique style. It does make it less accessible to the listener, so there's a trade off there. The chorus is more direct though. I get the feeling you particularly want it this way, and that's fine. You may have to put up with some people not feeling the vibe.
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| Posted: Sun Dec 6th, 2020 08:25 am |
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| Posted: Tue Dec 8th, 2020 01:01 am |
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Andrea
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I love the film/movie metaphor, and the overall lyric itself. I think you have something really good here.
I would like to say, I do not hear this as country (I could be wrong. It could fit different genres).
It is true, it is very poetic, but I think a little tweaking to make it 'simpler' (although not too much)
and it will be great.
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| Posted: Tue Dec 8th, 2020 07:51 am |
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echo insider
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Thanks for taking the time to give it a look over. You are very encouraging. It's like to think alt-country, but i'm not very professional with genre. a constraint like genre can be a creative catalyst(though i've been behaving the opposite in fact), so it's something I'll endeavor to improve. Maybe some changes could include more recognizable country imagery. Although not trying to fit the song into any genre (which is how this occurred). That's the thing. Thinking in terms of genre can help to increase accessibility which is something that this song scores lower at.
Hope to exchange more ideas as we share our opinions on the forum. I appreciate it. Cheers
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