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Have pity on Me
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 Posted: Sat Nov 28th, 2020 08:05 pm
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PerryC
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Been down this road before
remember every tree
All along that fence line
Every memory

Somebody painted the front door
Just like you made me
Shame I can’t paint to forget
Every memory

Baby please leave my mind
On my last leg of sanity
Can’t sleep or peace to find
Baby please have pity on me

Closed my eyes laid in our bed
Saw your ghost come to me
Pain and regret is all I see
Every memory

Baby please leave my mind
On my last leg of sanity
Can’t sleep or peace to find
Baby please have pity on me

Copyright @ PerryMattingly11282020



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 Posted: Sun Nov 29th, 2020 09:13 am
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RainyDayMan
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Lots of emotion coming thru which is great.
And I like the strong visuals early on to set a scene.

"peace to find" is an unusual phrasing, but I think it will work, as it should sound quite smooth when sung.

In the opening verses it feels like the narrator is returning to a previous home now belonging to someone else:
Somebody painted the front door
but after the chorus it's like he has entered the house as his own:
Closed my eyes laid in our bed
and that feels like a narrative disconnect.



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 Posted: Sun Nov 29th, 2020 05:31 pm
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PerryC
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could be a house of happier times then they moved ? not sure myself. Might redo a line or so


Thanks for the input



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 Posted: Sun Nov 29th, 2020 08:50 pm
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BeatlesFan64
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I agree with RDM that verses 1 and 2 are sort of at odds with each other about whether this is still his home or not. Personally, I think verse 2 is stronger. I like your imagery of her ghost coming towards him with all the regret and pain of the past. I felt it as the narrator being trapped in a house that no longer feels like a home, that is filled with painful memories in every corner. And in that sense maybe you could tweak the first verse. But those are just my thoughts. It's a great song regardless.

Also since you mentioned it in the description, I think it works best with her dying personally, and that's how I read it.

Last edited on Sun Nov 29th, 2020 08:52 pm by BeatlesFan64



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 Posted: Mon Nov 30th, 2020 01:43 am
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Andrea
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I feel like this is very close to being really good. A couple lines that are confusing are easy fixes.

Here are a couple ideas to use or lose:

"Can’t sleep or peace to find" - Peace is so hard to find

"Closed my eyes laid in our bed" - Closed my eyes, said a prayer

For me, I am lost as to why there is pain and regret. I am not sure why this man feels this way.



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 Posted: Mon Nov 30th, 2020 01:51 am
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PerryC
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Been down this road before
remember every tree
All along that fence line
Every memory

Somebody painted the front door
Just like you made me
Shame I can’t paint to forget
Every memory

Baby please leave my mind
On my last leg of sanity
Can’t sleep or peace to find
Baby please have pity on me

Closed my eyes remembered our bed
Saw your ghost come to me
Pain and regret is all I see
Every memory

Baby please leave my mind
On my last leg of sanity
Can’t sleep or peace to find
Baby please have pity on me

Copyright @ PerryMattingly11282020



____________________
Gibson J-15 - Apple - Shure SM58 - Fishman Loudbox Artist - Focusrite Gen 3 - Cakewalk Sonar 8.5 Producer - Ableton - 1961 Silvertone 1448 - Epiphone PS 352 SR

Love the art - the challenge - the struggle

https://soundcloud.com/perry-mattingly-53964
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 Posted: Mon Nov 30th, 2020 12:42 pm
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echo insider
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Very emotional song touching on pain, helplessness, despair earnestly.
Rainydayman brought up a narrative concern with the line  -  Closed my eyes laid in our bed Saw your ghost come to me
Pain and regret is all I see
Every memory
i understand that it is when he closes his eyes he goes back in his mind to when he was in bed.
the line could be when i close my eyes, i'm laid in our bedyour ghost comes to mepain and regrets all I see
anyway, just wanted to give honest thoughtful feedback and hope I conveyed this reasonably. Cheers



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 Posted: Mon Nov 30th, 2020 04:13 pm
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PerryC
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thanks, I changed a line to make more sense.



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 Posted: Tue Dec 1st, 2020 10:21 pm
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BRD
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I like this one a lot. Some really strong parts. First verse is great for me. Visuals, everyone can picture it. Everyone can identify with it.

I'm sort of a dunce, but it took me a while to figure "Just like you made me" in the second line of the second stanza. Finally figured out she made you paint the door. May just be a me problem.

Other line that I thing could be made stronger is "Shame I can’t paint to forget"

I think the illusion of paint would be better if it was something like:

Shame I can’t paint to forget
Every memory.

Reason I say that is you paint over things and they're out of sight, out of mind. If you physically paint to forget, at some point, you stop painting. Wanting to paint over the memories is like begging for closure but knowing you can't get it.

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 Posted: Wed Jan 6th, 2021 01:56 pm
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derrickhand300
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I changed this from 'All The Memories" to "Only the painful memories"

Somebody painted the front door
Just like you made me
Shame I can’t paint to forget
Only the painful memories

To me its someone that lost a loved one somehow- and with a loved one there are also great memories
As for me I want to keep the great memories and paint over the painful ones

This would require chaging a few more lines elsewhere

Sorry I am late to the dance on this one- I started writing a similar song yesterday about losing a loved one- this being similar-caught my eye



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 Posted: Wed Jan 6th, 2021 03:07 pm
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PerryC
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Thanks I ll look into it



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https://soundcloud.com/perry-mattingly-53964
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 Posted: Fri Jan 8th, 2021 03:30 am
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derrickhand300
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What did you come up with? :)



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 Posted: Fri Jan 8th, 2021 08:03 pm
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PerryC
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nothing yet. My daughter, grandson and her German Shepard have decided to move back home, (yippie) and I've been over my head for a month. But, I will be back and looking at the forum soon I hope.



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 Posted: Sat Jan 9th, 2021 02:54 am
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derrickhand300
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PerryC wrote:
nothing yet. My daughter, grandson and her German Shepard have decided to move back home, (yippie) and I've been over my head for a month. But, I will be back and looking at the forum soon I hope.
Ok- will watch for you- always enjoy your lyrics
PS- did you know your :signature" link at the end of your posts is broke?

Last edited on Sat Jan 9th, 2021 02:55 am by derrickhand300



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 Posted: Sun Jan 10th, 2021 12:46 am
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PerryC
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No I didn't
thanks but not sure I can fix it



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Love the art - the challenge - the struggle

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 Posted: Sun Jan 10th, 2021 12:52 am
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PerryC
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I think I fixed it, try again please



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Gibson J-15 - Apple - Shure SM58 - Fishman Loudbox Artist - Focusrite Gen 3 - Cakewalk Sonar 8.5 Producer - Ableton - 1961 Silvertone 1448 - Epiphone PS 352 SR

Love the art - the challenge - the struggle

https://soundcloud.com/perry-mattingly-53964
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 Posted: Sun Jan 10th, 2021 02:55 am
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derrickhand300
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PerryC wrote:
I think I fixed it, try again please
Nope- I will attach a screenshot

Attachment: Capture.JPG (Downloaded 7 times)



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