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derrickhand300
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When Forever Ends

We both said "I Love You" almost 20 years ago
We put our dreams together as our child inside you grows

We became a family- two boys,a dog, me and you
Everything together-No Mountain we couldn't move
We pledged our love in Texas- two little boys with big grins on their face
I swore I would love you FOREVER- Man how my heart raced!

Now I pour my heart out to you - Desperate to make amends
You know how much I need you- only you just need a friend
How do I say goodbye my true love- when forever ends?

Years were filled with hard work and all the happiness we could find
Struggling to raise our family- doing it dime by dime

While watching our children grow -each day our hearts swelled up with pride
Complete love together- working side by side

Our years together passed quickly- looking back on it tonight
Love destroyed with anger - In our one and only fight

Now our home is empty- all that's left are pictures of the past
Sadness fills the rooms where our two young boys once laughed

You know how much I need you- only you just need "a friend"
As I pour my heart out to - Desperate to make amends
I just can't say goodbye-How can I love again?
When forever ends

To my wife, my soulmate and my best friend
How do I say Goodbye?
When Forever Ends

RainyDayMan
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[Moved to the Lyrics Lounge. If the song should be in a genre other than Country just let me know and I'll move it for you]

"When Forever Ends" is a great title and hook for your song. I think that's very strong.
It might work well if you can repeat "forever" close by along the lines of:
we said we'd love forever...
how do we say goodbye when forever ends
Tricky to do that and maintain the rhyming of course!

There's lot's of emotion there, and that's important.
It's a great way to connect with the song.

Just visually scanning it, I can see some lines are longer than others. Assuming the melody is the same at those points it might become a bit squishy to fit them in. So I'd try to even out the syllable counts there. They don't have to be exactly the same, 1 or 2 difference is manageable as long as you can fit them into the same rhythm

I also notice that most of your lines are in pairs or groups of 4, but there is one set of 3 lines. That's ok if it's a deliberate choice - it can add some variation and drama. But the melody will have to change there to accommodate it, so it needs to be deliberate rather than accidental.

derrickhand300
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Joined: Wed Nov 25th, 2020
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Thank you!
After posting here I actually changed the area you said to 'We swore our love FOREVER- Man how my heart raced!"

I really felt it needed to show that it was FOREVER for both of us..to make it work.

I like your idea and will work with it and appreciate it!

I will have to study where it was moved to- Ive never wrote a song and dont even understand proper structure-this is just something I sounded out in my head so i appreciate the help

Thank you again

PerryC
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Joined: Sat Oct 31st, 2020
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Favorite Artist: Eric Clapton, Vince Gill, Merle Haggard, Ray Price, Alabama
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good ideas and lines. Not exactly rhythmic in places. Sorta like rainy Day man says. It could be real good

Andrea
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This is so emotional - I really like it. I think you have what you need to put this together in a more structured way. I would work some more on the rhymes as RDM pointed out, and also on keeping the tenses the same in the verses. You can read a little about structure here:

https://yourcreativeaura.com/verse-and-chorus-differences/

Let me know if you would like any further help. Good luck :)

derrickhand300
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Thank you

derrickhand300
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Well- being a songwriter is much more complicated than I understood-thank you so much for the link and input

Here is what my original version sounded like to music
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCSMngs0hXo

It really didn't have the rhythm you all described- and until coming here i actually didn't know there was a formula- so thank you again for that

When i get the money I am going to have the guy that sang it and put it to music for me- do it again but use these changes to the lyrics

When Forever Ends

We both said I Love You
Almost 20 years ago
We put our dreams together
As our child inside you grows

We became a family- two boys,a dog, me and you
Everything together-No Mountains we couldn't move
We pledged our love in Texas-two little boys with big grins on their face
We vowed our love FOREVER- Man how my heart raced!

Now I pour my heart out to you - Desperate to make amends
You know how much I need you- only you just need a friend
How do I say goodbye my true love
When forever ends?

Years were filled with hard work and all the happiness we could find
Struggling to raise our family- doing it dime by dime
While watching our children grow up -Our hearts swelled with pride
Complete love together- working side by side

Years together passed quickly- looking back on it tonight
Love destroyed with anger - In our one and only fight
Now our home is empty- all that's left are pictures of the past
Sadness fills the rooms where two young boys once laughed

You know how much I need you- only you just need "a friend"
I pour my heart out to - Desperate to make amends
I just can't say goodbye-How can I love again?
When forever ends

To my wife, my soulmate and my best friend
We said we'd love forever..
How do I say Goodbye?
When Forever Ends

I appreciate any more advice yall can offer

I would like someone that sounds and sings like Vince Gill to sing it for me and i would like a short sax solo at that end of 'Forever Ends" in the verse

RainyDayMan
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This is great! Lovely guitar work, and you've captured that emotional feel in the music.

The lyric fits quite smoothly against the music - couldn't tell just from the lyric by itself, but it works very well.

And the pause before "when forever ends" works like magic.

If this is your first song, then you have talent!
Is this you singing and playing too?

Good stuff!

derrickhand300
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Thank you Sir
Yes its my first song but the talent is provided by a guy named Peter Cleff of South Africa- I found him in the early morning hours of a site called "fiverr"

When I sent him the lyrics and told him my story he really wanted to put guitar and voice to it then blend in some other stuff. He really brought the lyrics to life for me

I own several and build websites so I DO NOT SPAM others forums- but I appreciate this guy SO MUCH and others would find him SO HELPFUL I would like to link to his gig if its appropriate

https://www.fiverr.com/petercleff/put-music-to-your-lyrics-or-poetry

MY plan- after posting here and making revisions shared by those who contributed their input- is to have him make it one more time with the revised lyrics and maybe blemd in some saxophone where it says "When Forever Ends"- I jut have to make a little money to finish it :(

Thank you for ALL your input and advice!

PerryC
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Good song BUT, the song is about When Forever ENDS, you can't hear ENDS. Accentuate that and you got it. Sad story, I got my own heartaches so chin up man. Love conquers all.

echo insider
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Felt as lovely shearing gauze wrapping sinuously across pillowy skin. So sentimental. Beautiful apprehension of the eternal strife that gives life. Cheers.

derrickhand300
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Thank you!

derrickhand300
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Thanks!

SongWriterJoe
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Very powerful, deep feelings in each line and verse. My heart goes out to you bro.

derrickhand300
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WoW!
Marry Me? :)
Seriously- thank you


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