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PerryC Member 
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# your last day All the change from the ashtray flew out in the floor His old hat slid off the dash and went out the door You could smell burnt rubber. As smoke filled the air He could hear angels singing. Way above somewhere Flashing Lights and sirens blared then the wrecker came As a trooper said a prayer an angel did the same Some roses and a love you card Left laying in the road An apology for a stupid fight. That he felt he owed You never know Your last day So if you love them You better say Because you never know Your last day So if you love them You better say At home a wife is waiting teardrops in her eyes But when her cell phone rang it caught her by surprise Her legs got weak and she cried. then she dropped the phone He said he’d been in a wreck. But he was coming home Copyright Perry Mattingly11012020 Last edited on Mon Nov 2nd, 2020 11:38 am by PerryC |
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RainyDayMan TSF Administrator 
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I like this. I think your chorus works particularly well. Really tight message there and one to pull on the heart strings. Lots of visuals in the verses. You paint a really detailed picture there. Right from the very first line. And it's not a cliched one either. There's only two things that you might look at. One is the teddy bear, because it tends to bring a child to mind rather than a gift to a lady (which I think is intended by the roses) and could be interpreted as a child having been in the accident. That's probably stronger than you want with the positive reveal at the end. The other is the trooper's tear. If it all turns out ok in the end that seems out of place. Also it just doesn't seem likely. But those are pretty small things in a good lyric. Nicely done! |
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JAPOV Member 
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Ditto on the teddy bear... I was thinking a passenger died. Perhaps the phone call can come from the hospital? This one's definitely worth polishing up!  |
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PerryC Member
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Thank you for the feed back. I agree with both items. I'll rework a tad. |
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PerryC Member
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Made the changes, please take a look and let me know if it still flows |
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JAPOV Member
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Just some thoughts... The sound of brakes and shattered glass came from nowhere Then a ringing in his ears seemed to fill the air All the change from the ashtray lying on the floor His old hat on the dash went flying out the door Flashing Lights and sirens blared then the wrecker came Thanking God for miracles, a trooper asked his name Some roses and a love you card Left laying in the road An apology for a stupid fight. That he felt he owed An angel standing watch at Chesapeake and Rome Waved his hand and saved the man just three miles from home You never know Your last day So if you love them You better say Because you never know Your last day So if you love them You better say At home a wife is waiting teardrops in her eyes But when her cell phone rang it caught her by surprise Her legs got weak and she cried. then she dropped the phone He said he’d been in a wreck. But he was coming home |
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JAPOV Member
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??? A battered man arrives with tears in his eyes To a worried wife and takes her by surprise They forgive and promise to never be alone Reminded of the blessing just to have a home |
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PerryC Member
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Thanks for the feedback Japov |
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RainyDayMan TSF Administrator
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Like those changes Perry! Especially the trooper saying a prayer - that really adds to the suspense of whether he made it or not. Good stuff! |
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Andrea Moderator
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Great story. I could easily picture every scene. I like the simple chorus - not overdone, but filled with emotion. I am not crazy on this line, it sounds awkward IMO: "As a trooper said a prayer an angel did the same" The last verse has a tense issue in the first line "At home a wife is waiting teardrops in her eyes" - I would change "is" to "was". |
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PerryC Member
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Thanks for taking time to reply |
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