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Your Last Day
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Sun Nov 1st, 2020 05:28 pm
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PerryC
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# your last day
All the change from the ashtray flew out in the floor
His old hat slid off the dash and went out the door
You could smell burnt rubber. As smoke filled the air
He could hear angels singing. Way above somewhere

Flashing Lights and sirens blared then the wrecker came
As a trooper said a prayer an angel did the same
Some roses and a love you card Left laying in the road
An apology for a stupid fight. That he felt he owed

You never know
Your last day
So if you love them
You better say
Because you never know
Your last day
So if you love them
You better say

At home a wife is waiting teardrops in her eyes
But when her cell phone rang it caught her by surprise
Her legs got weak and she cried. then she dropped the phone
He said he’d been in a wreck. But he was coming home

Copyright Perry Mattingly11012020

Last edited on Mon Nov 2nd, 2020 12:38 pm by PerryC



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Gibson J-15 - Apple - Shure SM58 - Fishman Loudbox Artist - Focusrite Gen 3 - Cakewalk Sonar 8.5 Producer - Ableton - 1961 Silvertone 1448 - Epiphone PS 352 SR

Love the art - the challenge - the struggle

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 Posted: Sun Nov 1st, 2020 09:38 pm
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RainyDayMan
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I like this. I think your chorus works particularly well.
Really tight message there and one to pull on the heart strings.

Lots of visuals in the verses. You paint a really detailed picture there. Right from the very first line. And it's not a cliched one either.

There's only two things that you might look at.
One is the teddy bear, because it tends to bring a child to mind rather than a gift to a lady (which I think is intended by the roses) and could be interpreted as a child having been in the accident. That's probably stronger than you want with the positive reveal at the end.
The other is the trooper's tear. If it all turns out ok in the end that seems out of place. Also it just doesn't seem likely.

But those are pretty small things in a good lyric. Nicely done!



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 Posted: Sun Nov 1st, 2020 10:52 pm
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JAPOV
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Ditto on the teddy bear... I was thinking a passenger died.

Perhaps the phone call can come from the hospital?

This one's definitely worth polishing up! :)



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 Posted: Mon Nov 2nd, 2020 11:51 am
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PerryC
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Thank you for the feed back. I agree with both items. I'll rework a tad.



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Gibson J-15 - Apple - Shure SM58 - Fishman Loudbox Artist - Focusrite Gen 3 - Cakewalk Sonar 8.5 Producer - Ableton - 1961 Silvertone 1448 - Epiphone PS 352 SR

Love the art - the challenge - the struggle

https://soundcloud.com/perry-mattingly-53964
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 Posted: Mon Nov 2nd, 2020 12:38 pm
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PerryC
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Made the changes, please take a look and let me know if it still flows



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Gibson J-15 - Apple - Shure SM58 - Fishman Loudbox Artist - Focusrite Gen 3 - Cakewalk Sonar 8.5 Producer - Ableton - 1961 Silvertone 1448 - Epiphone PS 352 SR

Love the art - the challenge - the struggle

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 Posted: Mon Nov 2nd, 2020 06:05 pm
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JAPOV
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Just some thoughts...

The sound of brakes and shattered glass came from nowhere
Then a ringing in his ears seemed to fill the air
All the change from the ashtray lying on the floor
His old hat on the dash went flying out the door

Flashing Lights and sirens blared then the wrecker came
Thanking God for miracles, a trooper asked his name
Some roses and a love you card Left laying in the road
An apology for a stupid fight. That he felt he owed

An angel standing watch at Chesapeake and Rome
Waved his hand and saved the man just three miles from home

You never know
Your last day
So if you love them
You better say
Because you never know
Your last day
So if you love them
You better say

At home a wife is waiting teardrops in her eyes
But when her cell phone rang it caught her by surprise
Her legs got weak and she cried. then she dropped the phone
He said he’d been in a wreck. But he was coming home



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 Posted: Mon Nov 2nd, 2020 06:31 pm
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JAPOV
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???

A battered man arrives with tears in his eyes
To a worried wife and takes her by surprise
They forgive and promise to never be alone
Reminded of the blessing just to have a home



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 Posted: Mon Nov 2nd, 2020 08:26 pm
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PerryC
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Thanks for the feedback Japov



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Gibson J-15 - Apple - Shure SM58 - Fishman Loudbox Artist - Focusrite Gen 3 - Cakewalk Sonar 8.5 Producer - Ableton - 1961 Silvertone 1448 - Epiphone PS 352 SR

Love the art - the challenge - the struggle

https://soundcloud.com/perry-mattingly-53964
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 Posted: Mon Nov 2nd, 2020 09:41 pm
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RainyDayMan
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Like those changes Perry! Especially the trooper saying a prayer - that really adds to the suspense of whether he made it or not. Good stuff!



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 Posted: Wed Nov 4th, 2020 05:25 pm
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Andrea
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Great story. I could easily picture every scene. I like the simple chorus - not overdone, but filled with emotion.

I am not crazy on this line, it sounds awkward IMO:

"As a trooper said a prayer an angel did the same"

The last verse has a tense issue in the first line

"At home a wife is waiting teardrops in her eyes" - I would change "is" to "was".



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 Posted: Wed Nov 4th, 2020 07:10 pm
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PerryC
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Thanks for taking time to reply



____________________
Gibson J-15 - Apple - Shure SM58 - Fishman Loudbox Artist - Focusrite Gen 3 - Cakewalk Sonar 8.5 Producer - Ableton - 1961 Silvertone 1448 - Epiphone PS 352 SR

Love the art - the challenge - the struggle

https://soundcloud.com/perry-mattingly-53964
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