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| Posted: Sat Oct 31st, 2020 03:51 am |
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1st Post |
alexwald16
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 19th, 2020 |
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| Posts: | 6 |
| Favorite Artist: | | | I am a: | Songwriter/Musician |
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[Verse 1]
She approached me on a cold Winter's morn,
Her torn jeans, her hair as golden as corn.
They bounced on her shoulders, covered by the shirt that she wore.
She was a rose with thorns.
[Pre-Chorus]
She took my hand and rested it upon her head.
She took two pats from me and then she said,
"Country boy, I want us to dance on my bed."
And then she took me into a shed.
[Chorus]
She's the one that stands beside me
She's the one from head to toe
She's the farmer's daughter
She's the one to know.
[Verse 2]
I think about her every now and then
Wishing I was with her.
But every time I see her face,
I melt and my voice begins to wither.
[Pre-Chorus]
[Chorus]
[Refrain]
Her pillow was a Rolling Stone.
Her blanket was the Beatles.
Her mattress was the Temptations.
Her night-light was the Eagles.
She's the princess of the farm
She's loyal, friendly and kind
The best part is, about her charm
Her love don't cost a dime
[Chorus]
[Chorus]
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| Posted: Sat Oct 31st, 2020 10:55 pm |
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2nd Post |
RainyDayMan
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| Joined: | Thu May 17th, 2007 |
| Location: | Stratford, Australia |
| Posts: | 6887 |
| Favorite Artist: | James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell | | I am a: | Songwriter/Musician |
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I think you've got something solid to work with here.
You've made me find her interesting and attractive and the that's the most important element.
It's also well structured - you've put some thought in there.
I think the chorus is the strongest part - and that's how it should be.
I'll toss in a few ideas for you to consider. It's your song, so you make all the decisions.
Your rhyming scheme changes between verse 1 and verse 2.
V1 creates a very strong pattern rhyming all 4 lines the same. Our brains love detecting patterns and when they don't reappear where we think they should it can be jarring. So for me, the change to every 2nd line rhyming in v2 was really obvious. It's not that one is better than the other, it's just that they're different. The only mitigating factor here is that they are fairly wide apart with a pre-chorus and chorus in between. So just listening to it, it may not be so obvious. Your call.
In v1 at "They bounced on her shoulders" I had to stop and work out what "they" meant. Was it her jeans? I don't picture jeans going over shoulders but maybe they were like overalls. Was it her hair? Hair isn't usually referred to using "they" and in either case why was it under her shirt? And how could "they" bounce if they were underneath?
It's not that this is a particularly bad line, but it completely distracted me and took me out of the flow of the song. And you don't want that.
"She was a rose with thorns." I like this line, but it implies that she has a nasty side that is going to come out later in the song - only it doesn't.
"She took two pats from me". This is a personal reaction, but giving someone pats feels like something you'd do to a pet, not someone you love. Others may feel different though.
In your refrain, the references to Rolling Stones, Beatles etc come out of nowhere. They're not bad lines but how do they fit with the farmers daughter?
If the song was about how she put the music in your soul it would work great, but here is seems out of place.
Whereas the next part "She's the princess of the farm" etc fits perfectly. And after the chorus that's my favorite part.
____________________
https://soundcloud.com/RainyDayMan/tracks
https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=708281
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| Posted: Fri Nov 27th, 2020 10:26 pm |
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3rd Post |
BeatlesFan64
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| Joined: | Mon Nov 23rd, 2020 |
| Location: | Texas USA |
| Posts: | 185 |
| Favorite Artist: | The Beatles, Everlys, SBJ, Herman’s Hermits, Searchers | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter/Musician |
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Nice work! I do agree with RainyDayMan about the rose with thorns line. I can kind of see that you might have meant it in the sense that she's rebellious,confident, or outspoken, but usually when people see that phrase, they'd expect her to have a bad side.
Other than that, you had really neat rhymes. I liked that you were ambitious enough to find a rhyme for "corn". In verse 2, "with her" and "wither" is very clever! That's one I haven't seen before. And I absolutely loved when you just started name checking bands in the last section haha. Bonus points for the Beatles, naturally 😉
The song struck me as very coy and playful, and I think you did a great job on it.
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Keeping the oldies alive! All comments and feedback welcome 🙂
https://soundcloud.com/billis-lopez/sets/best-of-tommy-l-day-the?ref=clipboard&p=i&c=1
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