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Night Bird
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Sat Oct 31st, 2020 01:04 am
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SongWriterJoe
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A project I was working on.  Co-writer said he didn't want to work with horror, suspense or murder mystery movie music genre, so I reclaimed it.  For your critique: (Happy Halloween!!)



Title: Night Bird
Lyrics © 2020 Joe Givens 
{Gloomy, scary} 
(For Murder Movie or Horror, Mystery?) 

Out from the darkness..
You hear the night bird call..
Something in the shadows..
An image on the wall? 

Your heart skips a beat or two..
Mind racing and wondering why..
You chose to come this way tonight..
Is this.. your night to die?! 

Hidden out of sight..
In the dreary gray fog of night..
You can't quite make it out..
But something's just not right.. 

You try to ignore the sounds..
The night bird's warning in your mind..
Trying to tell you something..
You look nervously behind.. 

Sweat begins to roll into 
Your weary burning eyes
Your steps quicken as you hear
Something trailing just behind!     

Last edited on Sat Oct 31st, 2020 01:12 am by SongWriterJoe



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 Posted: Thu Nov 12th, 2020 03:35 pm
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Andrea
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Hi Joe, I like like creepy and dark, and this fits the bill. I do feel that the verses tend to say similar things. IMHO, I would cut it down to the best two and then move the story on. What happens next? You have me interested to know what the threat is, what happens to this person.



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 Posted: Thu Nov 12th, 2020 09:48 pm
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RainyDayMan
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Just my two cents, but I'd go for something more poetic here. I think a horror theme allows you to be more dramatic rather than conversational in style.

So:
Out from the darkness..
Shriek of the night bird's call..
Something of the shadows..
Sliding across the the wall

I think you've got your mood sorted, but still looking for your hook to kind of anchor it.



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 Posted: Wed Nov 25th, 2020 10:52 pm
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SongWriterJoe
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Interesting.. let me cogitate on this a bit..



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 Posted: Mon Dec 14th, 2020 04:13 pm
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JustAnotherDreamer
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I agree with Andrea’s thoughts. Great start and I was able to visualize it pretty well, which is cool! But I feel like the last two verses could be tweaked a bit to move the story....

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 Posted: Tue Dec 15th, 2020 02:33 pm
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John S Alty
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Just realised I'm critiquing a post that's two months old!

:(

Last edited on Fri Dec 18th, 2020 08:48 am by John S Alty

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