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If You’d Say Yes
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Sun Sep 20th, 2020 05:33 pm
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cmaja
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Wrote this a couple of years ago; spruced it up a bit recently. CMA

If You’d Say Yes

A1:
Left you a text: it’s been too long
To where we know the heart forgets
The love we held that was our song
Words that we said brings on regrets
And loneliness adds to the wrongs
Love can return... if you’d say yes

A2:
My life’s a mess, give me a call
Let’s take the time and not protest
And feel the love, not who’s at fault
Heal the scars we haven’t process
Let’s sift what’s left, knock down the walls
Let love return... if you’d say yes

Bridge:
We were so close, we knew our hearts, we coalesced
Were we too close, drifted apart, it broke our hearts
Oh love, could we just acquiesce

A3:
Let’s not turn love into a war
We need some time, maybe confess
That we have changed from before
And then perhaps we can progress
We should know love can’t be ignored
Love can return... if you’d say yes

Post A3:
Love could return... if you’d only say yes


© 2018 Charles M Anderson

Last edited on Wed Sep 23rd, 2020 10:39 pm by cmaja



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 Posted: Tue Sep 22nd, 2020 12:37 am
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RainyDayMan
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There's a formality to many of the lines here like:
Please take the time to readdress
and that can work well, particularly in a light, playful song, but this doesn't seem to be that.
For that reason I think it might be stronger using a more conversational speech mode - something more natural would likely feel more intimate and emotional.

Some of the rhymes like text / perplexed strike me similarly. They stand out as being such obvious rhymes that it downplays their meaning.

It depends on what you're going for, but if you want an emotional, heartbreak type song I would downplay the structural elements.



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 Posted: Tue Sep 22nd, 2020 04:47 pm
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cmaja
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Yea, RD Man... I get what you’re saying. Let me go over it and make some changes. Thanks,

Charles



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 Posted: Wed Sep 23rd, 2020 10:42 pm
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cmaja
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Okay, Owen... I ended up changing a lot. Thanks to you review. I think it sounds better. Check it out!

Charles



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 Posted: Wed Sep 23rd, 2020 10:45 pm
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RainyDayMan
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Yes, that feels a lot more intimate and emotional to me.
Especially the bridge, I really like that!



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 Posted: Sun Oct 4th, 2020 07:10 am
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cmaja
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Ya know, RD Man, I always appreciate your reviews and suggestions.

Charles



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