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If You’d Say Yes
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 Posted: Sun Sep 20th, 2020 05:33 pm
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cmaja
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Wrote this a couple of years ago; spruced it up a bit recently. CMA

If You’d Say Yes

A1:
Left you a text: it’s been too long
To where we know the heart forgets
The love we held that was our song
Words that we said brings on regrets
And loneliness adds to the wrongs
Love can return... if you’d say yes

A2:
My life’s a mess, give me a call
Let’s take the time and not protest
And feel the love, not who’s at fault
Heal the scars we haven’t process
Let’s sift what’s left, knock down the walls
Let love return... oh, please say yes

Bridge:
We were so close, we knew our hearts, we coalesced
Were we too close, drifted apart, it broke our hearts
Oh love, could we just acquiesce

A3:
Let’s not turn love into a war
We need some time, maybe confess
That we have changed from before
And then perhaps we can progress
We should know love can’t be ignored
Love can return... if you’d say yes

Post A3:
Love could return... if you’d only say yes


© 2018 Charles M Anderson

Last edited on Wed Nov 25th, 2020 03:28 am by cmaja



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 Posted: Tue Sep 22nd, 2020 12:37 am
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RainyDayMan
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There's a formality to many of the lines here like:
Please take the time to readdress
and that can work well, particularly in a light, playful song, but this doesn't seem to be that.
For that reason I think it might be stronger using a more conversational speech mode - something more natural would likely feel more intimate and emotional.

Some of the rhymes like text / perplexed strike me similarly. They stand out as being such obvious rhymes that it downplays their meaning.

It depends on what you're going for, but if you want an emotional, heartbreak type song I would downplay the structural elements.



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 Posted: Tue Sep 22nd, 2020 04:47 pm
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cmaja
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Yea, RD Man... I get what you’re saying. Let me go over it and make some changes. Thanks,

Charles



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 Posted: Wed Sep 23rd, 2020 10:42 pm
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cmaja
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Okay, Owen... I ended up changing a lot. Thanks to you review. I think it sounds better. Check it out!

Charles



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 Posted: Wed Sep 23rd, 2020 10:45 pm
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RainyDayMan
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Yes, that feels a lot more intimate and emotional to me.
Especially the bridge, I really like that!



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 Posted: Sun Oct 4th, 2020 07:10 am
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cmaja
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Ya know, RD Man, I always appreciate your reviews and suggestions.

Charles



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 Posted: Fri Nov 6th, 2020 02:12 pm
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Andrea
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Hi Charles, I like the hook. It is a great last line for the verses. The verses seem to all say almost the same thing. IMO they need a little more movement/progression. The bridge also doesn't feel like a bridge, but rather a summary for the theme. Maybe have the bridge be an opportunity for the couple to come back together. The last verse could be the forgiveness and reuniting. Just my personal thought to use of lose.



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 Posted: Sun Nov 8th, 2020 03:41 am
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cmaja
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Andrea wrote:
Hi Charles, I like the hook. It is a great last line for the verses. The verses seem to all say almost the same thing. IMO they need a little more movement/progression. The bridge also doesn't feel like a bridge, but rather a summary for the theme. Maybe have the bridge be an opportunity for the couple to come back together. The last verse could be the forgiveness and reuniting. Just my personal thought to use of lose.

Hi, Andrea... Thanks for checking out my lyric. The progression is from past (A1) to present (A2) to future (A3). The bridge is an insight into their relationship with a hope to reunite starting with acquiescence. A3 is a softening and a request to move past problem areas.

I appreciate your thoughts.

Charles



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 Posted: Tue Nov 24th, 2020 05:18 pm
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BeatlesFan64
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Nice! I do love me a classic AABA scheme haha. Your lyrics are really evocative, and I love how each verse tells a story such that the meaning of the refrain could be interpreted differently each time. In verse one, it almost seems like a throwaway thought. Like the singer is wallowing in their sorrow and engaging in some wishful thinking (“if only she’d come back to me...”).

In verse 2, the person is now actively trying to reach out to their love, trying to talk them into giving it another chance. They went from lamenting to acknowledging some of the problems they had been facing. Now if I have one little suggestion for this verse, I think that the refrain here might throw some people off. “Let love return...if you’d say yes” could sound a little grammatically awkward and might be difficult to sing convincingly. While it is the title of the song, I think since you begin and end with it, it’s okay to mix it up in the middle. Maybe something like “let love return, won’t you please say yes”, or something along those lines. Since verse 2 is about the singer making their pitch, I feel like the refrain should be more direct. But anyways...

I love the rhyming of coalesce and acquiesce in the bridge. I have to say that’s a rhyme I have never seen in a song, so well done!

And finally of course we have the resolution in verse 3, in which it appears that the couple are indeed trying again, or at least seriously considering it. The refrain at the end of this verse sounds a million times more hopeful than it did in verse 1. It’s amazing what a little context can do, huh? 😅

Overall, great effort. This is my kinda song really :)



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 Posted: Wed Nov 25th, 2020 03:41 am
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cmaja
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Well thank you, BF64... Wow, what I thorough review of my lyric! I’m pleased someone actually recognizes the thoughts and feelings I had when I wrote this. Great analysis!

I changed the last line in A2 as you suggested. Check it out.

‘Coalesce and acquiesce’, I’ve used in one other lyric: My S.O.S. Another AABA lyric. Peace,

Charles



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