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In Loving Memory
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 Posted: Sun Sep 13th, 2020 08:44 pm
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John_Sturgill
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In loving Memory

You'd lie there beside me
your illness so long
Trying to keep your promise
In not letting go

So many nights
That were so long
Together so close
Our love holding on

(Chorus)

It's been ten years
the hurt-en's the same
A stopped for a visit
With a surprise today

I brought the children's pictures
See how they've grown
I placed them by "In Loving Memory"
Engraved on your headstone

(Chorus)

Bridge:
Here's A couple
Letters from the kids
I see you in them
In ways that you did

------------------Chorus-----------------

I knew from the start
The fight we were in
I knew the odds
And you faught to the end

I know there'll come a day
In a time not too far
If I'm good we'll be together
When I get where you are

In loving Memory © 9/13/20 John P. Sturgill

Last edited on Thu Sep 17th, 2020 09:47 pm by John_Sturgill



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 Posted: Mon Sep 14th, 2020 02:52 am
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RainyDayMan
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Not sure about this one John.

Feels like you're going for a mystery, with a dark reveal in the bridge. And that can work, there are songs written that way.

Reading this, the first verse made me think of an affair, the second maybe a fatal disease they were hiding, and the bridge a murder. I'm thinking that you want to keep us guessing.
And my emotions towards the person changed accordingly.
But at the end I'm left feeling negative towards the one who died (if they are a murderer) but also towards the narrator for not trying to stop them.
But I may be misinterpreting.

The chorus doesn't seem to say much to me.
The "friend" isn't really explained - though if you want to be interpreted differently in each verse I can see it has to be ambiguous.

As a minor thing:
what you through way > what you threw away (or 'way)



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 Posted: Mon Sep 14th, 2020 03:06 am
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John_Sturgill
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Yes it appears to be a wreck. I like the twist of the gravesite visit. The murder mistery's not working.

I'll go into damage control and see if can write something with a loving spin and keeping the second verse.



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 Posted: Mon Sep 14th, 2020 10:58 am
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John_Sturgill
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Opps, I had the rewrite done before going to bed but didn't hit send lol. Based on your feed fact, I change the whole story line .



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 Posted: Thu Sep 17th, 2020 11:06 pm
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John_Sturgill
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Complete re-write

When I get Where you are

You'd lie there beside me
But I think it was wrong
With you making a promise
That you'd hold on

So many nights
That were endlessly long
With each others words
Encouraging us on

(Chorus)

It's been ten long years
Do I look the same same
A stopped by for a visit
With a surprise today

I brought the children's pictures
See how they've grown
I placed them by "In Loving Memory"
Engraved on your headstone

(Chorus)

Bridge:
Here's a couple Letters
Written by the kids
I see you in them
In ways that you did

------------------Chorus-----------------

I knew from the beginning
The fight we were in
Once they told your odds
You faught hard to win

I know there'll come a day
I hope not too far
We'll be together
When I get where you are

--------after third pass

Lets swing hand in hand
We're young as we use to be
Let's dance around our savior
Has he mentioned me
I knew there'd come a day
It wasn't too far
here we are together
Right where you are


When I get Where you are © 9/13/20 John P. Sturgill

Last edited on Wed Sep 23rd, 2020 09:34 pm by John_Sturgill



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 Posted: Thu Sep 17th, 2020 11:37 pm
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RainyDayMan
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That's a much clearer picture John. And the sentiment is stronger too.

I like your opening verses. Good context.
You might consider re-ordering some of the lines:
You'd lie there beside me
Trying to keep your promise
Trying to hold on
Maybe it was wrong

Encouraging us on
With each others words
So many nights
That were endlessly long

but that does depend on the rhythm and whether you can swap the longer and shorter lines.

Chorus is nice and I think these lines will sing really well:
We'll be together
When I get where you are


Maybe:
Once they told your odds > The odds were stacked against you
but again that's more syllables, so you'd have to see if it fits.

Good song!



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 Posted: Fri Sep 18th, 2020 12:10 am
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John_Sturgill
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I rewrite the beginning four lines. I think that it's not only smoother to sing but clearly communicates what's going on.

I appreciate pointing to somethings up. As far was the second part of the verse I think that falls into six one way and half a dozen on another.

I have the melody already so I'll get play it a few times and record it in the morning.

Ps
This is a very serious song that paints a very vivid picture. Wish me luck :)



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 Posted: Fri Sep 18th, 2020 12:24 am
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RainyDayMan
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Always John! Best of luck :)



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 Posted: Tue Sep 22nd, 2020 11:25 pm
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M.P. Dudash
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John, I really don’t see a problem with the first take. To me the rhymes in version 2 seem more forced. That is your call though. I do like the first part of the chorus with same and today the 2nd part I think would be better without head in front of stone as everyone knows what is meant. That being said I can’t hear the music so the extra syllable may work. Overall, I like it. Seems heartfelt to me.



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 Posted: Tue Sep 22nd, 2020 11:37 pm
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John_Sturgill
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Thank you. I'll be recording this in the morning so I'll take a good look at your suggestions as I practice playing.



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 Posted: Wed Sep 23rd, 2020 01:35 am
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Andrea
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John, I do not see a murder mystery. I see a parent dying of a disease. I prefer the first version better.



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 Posted: Wed Sep 23rd, 2020 01:53 am
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John_Sturgill
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The original version was a murder mystery. I like the original version too. I'm making a variation simular to it.

Last edited on Wed Sep 23rd, 2020 01:54 am by John_Sturgill



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 Posted: Wed Sep 23rd, 2020 05:08 pm
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John_Sturgill
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Since a couple members liked the first version, I did another rewrite that basically covers the storyline from top to bottom. It will have two chord progressions in both verses and chorus.




When I get Where you are

You'd lie there beside me
Neither knowing how long
You'd be able
At best to hold on

All those endless nights
Holding each other until dawn
And then you whispered softly
And kissed and you where gone


(Chorus)

It's been ten long years
Am I looking the same
A stopped by for a visit
With a surprise today

I brought the children's pictures
See how they've grown
I placed them by "In Loving Memory"
Engraved on your headstone

(Chorus)

Bridge:
Here's a couple Letters
Written by the kids
I see you in them
In ways that you did

------------------Chorus-----------------

It was Hopeless from the beginning
So we had to cherish our time
we didn't waist any
Long into the nights

I know there'll come a day
In a time not to far
We'll be together
When I get where you are

--------after third pass---------
We'll be hand in hand
Younger than before
We'll dance around our savior
Forever and more



When I get where you are © 9/13/20 John P. Sturgill

    Last edited on Thu Sep 24th, 2020 06:57 pm by John_Sturgill



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     Posted: Thu Sep 24th, 2020 12:40 am
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    Andrea
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    John, This is interesting, but I am still not seeing the murder. I guess I need something concrete to show me.

    Typo correction:

    And we didn't waist any >>- waste



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     Posted: Thu Sep 24th, 2020 12:46 am
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    John_Sturgill
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    Andrea,
    The original post was about a man that killed his wife for having an affair. I threw that out and have been working a completely different storyline.



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     Posted: Thu Sep 24th, 2020 07:15 pm
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    Andrea
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    John_Sturgill wrote:
    Andrea,
    The original post was about a man that killed his wife for having an affair. I threw that out and have been working a completely different storyline.


    I like the idea of your story. I think Owen picked up on the murder. I felt it needed to be more direct. Maybe it will be worth revisiting sometime in the future.

    You have so many ideas. I look forward to you next write.



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