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Get Away
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Sun Sep 13th, 2020 04:16 pm
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I2ain_2_Battle
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Feeling the ocean wind.
Water thrown against rock.
Smelling salt on my skin.
No obligation, or after thought.

I'm tearing up my commitments.
Burning all my responsibilities.
Drowning any last minute schedules.
Forgetting my phone, all my over due fees.

I gotta get away, I gotta get away..
Life is too short...living this way..
I Gotta get away, nothing holding me back..
Time to start living, right now, today..

Not punching in, time is now my friend..
Not fixing my rear view mirrors,
I'm driving to a beach and ocean..
Without any worries, or cares..

I gotta get away, I gotta get away..
Life is too short...living this way..
I Gotta get away, nothing holding me back..
Time to start living, right now, today..

It's easy to forget
The beauty of life.
When you're held hostage to
a routine, with a knife.

Dust trails is all that's left

Last edited on Mon Sep 14th, 2020 03:31 am by I2ain_2_Battle



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 Posted: Mon Sep 14th, 2020 02:37 am
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RainyDayMan
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[Moved to the Lyrics Lounge]

I like it! I guess we've all felt this way at times. Seems very relatable. And the structure looks sound.

The "I gotta get away" part feels like a chorus, and I would suggest repeating that before "It's easy to forget"

This is my fav part:
It's easy to forget
The beauty of life.
When your held hostage to
a routine, with a knife.

bit edgy in that last line!
also your > you're

My other suggestion would be:
Drowning any last minute schedules > Drowning my last minute schedules
You've used "my" a few times there, but it still seems like a better fit.

But overall I like it. I can see that working.

Don't forget to leave feedback for others while you are here. :)



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 Posted: Mon Sep 14th, 2020 03:28 am
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I2ain_2_Battle
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yes thanks for the great feedback, and i will start giving feedback to the community as well, thanks.



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 Posted: Tue Sep 15th, 2020 05:07 am
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cmaja
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Hi... This is good! I like the feel of it. A few things need to be addressed:

1. The first stanza, I assume, is an intro. Rhymes are good. No changes needed.

2. Second and fourth stanza are verses, which are where the adjustments are needed, as follows:
a. V2, line one: if you change “time is” to “time’s” it’ll match with V1, same line.
b. V1, line two: too many syllables. If you drop “all my” that’ll help. But the meter at the beginning doesn’t match V2, line two. So add “I’m” and you got a match. But line length in V2 is one syllable shorter. But it should work.
c. V2, line three: if you drop “I’m” it will match V1, line three perfectly.
d. V1, line four: too long, so drop “all my”. To match V2, line four to V1, same, change it to: Without the worries, troubles or cares.

3. Chorus is great, nice rhymes!

4. Last stanza, the coda, is good but if you’re held with a knife... maybe “bloody trails” would work better. If not then “dusty trails”.

But overall, you got a good thing going here!

Charles

Last edited on Tue Sep 15th, 2020 05:01 pm by cmaja



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 Posted: Wed Sep 16th, 2020 09:10 pm
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MASempine
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I do like the repetitive verses which I took to be the chorus
Almost could be sung to dell Shannon’s run away but different message for sure



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 Posted: Thu Sep 17th, 2020 07:00 pm
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Andrea
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I like the mood here - it has an upbeat feel.

I like the chorus, but I think "living this way" and "right now, today" are kind of simple and general. Your verses are very dynamic (which I love) - I would go for bolder statements to replace these lines.



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 Posted: Fri Sep 18th, 2020 07:11 am
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I2ain_2_Battle
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thanks you for your feedback. =) it really helps a lot.



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 Posted: Tue Sep 22nd, 2020 12:22 am
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icystorm
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This is another good set of lyrics from you, and nice feel.

My favorite section is toward the end... nice close!

It's easy to forget The beauty of life.
When you're held hostage to
a routine, with a knife.

Dust trails is all that's left

Last edited on Tue Sep 22nd, 2020 12:22 am by icystorm

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 Posted: Wed Sep 23rd, 2020 01:27 am
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M.P. Dudash
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Nice! The last verse and last line seem weak to me compared to the rest but it definitely has potential.



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 Posted: Wed Sep 23rd, 2020 07:52 am
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I2ain_2_Battle
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It's easy to forget
The beauty of life.
When you're held hostage to
a routine, with a knife.

you thought this was the weakest part? i thought it was the best part..



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