The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters Home 

Welcome to The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters!
Please log on to view our discussion forum in its entirety.

 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank  
AuthorPost
Billy_Lunch_Money
Contributor


Joined: Fri Mar 2nd, 2018
Location: Leicester, United Kingdom
Posts: 298
Favorite Artist: Hendrix,Nirvana,Ozric Tentacles,Messa,Alice in Chains,Windhand,Khruangbin
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Now I know these lyrics aren't going to be everybody's cup or tea. To be honest I wrote while I was filing for divorce and it kind of helped me through!

Born

You fashioned a new life for me but didn't ask me.
What's wrong with the old one, oh its treachery
All I wanted, all I needed, was peace and tranquillity.

Born on a wing and a prayer
You think you're too good for me
Born without a singular care.
Baby, You're too blind to see.

You take the high road while I'll take the low, Someday I'm sure we'll meet.
If I were to take your road I know my feet will surely bleed.
Everything you wanted and all you ever needed is not here in me.

Born on a wing and a prayer
You think you're too good for me
Born without a singular care.
Baby, You're too blind to see

Oh you've blackened, the skies for me, and I can no longer, see.
If you take me, to a higher ground, I know my ears bleed.
I never wanted, I never needed you here with me.

I'm gone , I'm gone
I'm gone, I'm gone I'm gone, I'm gone


Born on a wing and a prayer (I'm Gone)
You think you're too good for me (I'm Gone)
Born without a singular care. (I'm Gone)
You think you're so good for me (I'm Gone)
Born of original Sin (I'm Gone)
Baby, You're too blind to see. (I'm Gone)

© by Oz C. 02.02.2020

Last edited on Fri Sep 11th, 2020 08:33 pm by Billy_Lunch_Money

MASempine
Member


Joined: Fri Jul 10th, 2020
Location: Bridgeport, Alabama USA
Posts: 238
Favorite Artist: Mac Davis, Ray Stevens,
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
I like the lyrics. More depth than most

Andrea
Moderator
 

Joined: Tue Nov 27th, 2018
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York USA
Posts: 2021
Favorite Artist: Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Hi Billy,

I think your message of a failing relationship is strong. I can feel the emotions.

I would look to tighten the verses and change the structure to make it easier to follow.

In general,the word me is very prevalant. I would try to see if the lines can say the same thing without using me as much.

Being this stems from a personal experience, my suggestions may not fit. So, feel free to ignore if they do not work.

Here is an example of what I hear in my head:

You fashioned a new life for yourself
but didn't ask me.
What's wrong with the old one,
baby its treachery
All I wanted, all I needed,
was peace and tranquillity.

Born on a wing and a prayer
You think you're too good for me
Born without a singular care.
Baby, You're too blind to see.

I'll take the high road while you take the low,
This seems to be our creed
If I were to take your road
I know my feet will bleed
I'm everything you want
but, not everything you need

I like what you have here. I think it just need to be tightened.

RainyDayMan
TSF Administrator


Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 6887
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Bitterness and anger coming through loud and clear - and conveying emotion is always a good thing.

In v2 I would try to avoid using sure and surely on consecutive lines. You might consider swapping sure > know :
You take the high road while I'll take the low, Someday I know we'll meet.
to get the internal rhyme on low/know.

Seems like this will be one to enjoy when you're in a particular mood.

Billy_Lunch_Money
Contributor


Joined: Fri Mar 2nd, 2018
Location: Leicester, United Kingdom
Posts: 298
Favorite Artist: Hendrix,Nirvana,Ozric Tentacles,Messa,Alice in Chains,Windhand,Khruangbin
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
To be honest I'm quite lucky I was able to post this at all. Over the lockdown my computer kept playing up and I lost a load of files and thought this had gone forever. I came across it in the notes section of my email the day before I posted and I guess it's been sitting there for roughly 6 months. Today I sat down with a guitar to see if I could recalled the chords and that came back to me quite quickly, but I don't think this was my final version. I'm sure did do some stuff to tighten up the verses a little already. But doesn't seem to be reflected in this set of lyrics. So guess these maybe a older verse. Heck those verses need clamping down and lock in something chronic and get around to it once the kids are backat school full time.

Andrea, this might be a little selfish but I do think this one's ME, ME ME song and whoever's singing really needs to belt it out. I like this line "This seems to be our creed" have you got any more sugestions like it?


For now, I've reposted a slightly edited version to reflect both yours and RDM's suggestions but no further and everybody who comes across can see the changes and how it's evevolved.


Born

You fashioned a new life for me,
but didn't even ask me.
What's wrong with the old one,
this is treachery
All I wanted, all I needed,
Was peace and tranquillity.

Born on a wing and a prayer
You think you're too good for me
Born without a singular care.
Baby, You're too blind to see.

You take the high road while I'll take the low,
Someday I know we'll meet.
If I were to take your road I know my feet they will bleed.
Everything you wanted and all you ever needed is no longer here in me.

Born on a wing and a prayer
You think you're too good for me
Born without a singular care.
Baby, You're too blind to see

Oh you've blackened, the sky for me, and I can no longer see.
If you take me to a higher ground, I know my ears will bleed.
I never wanted, I never needed you here with me.

I'm gone , I'm gone
I'm gone, I'm gone I'm gone, I'm gone

Born on a wing and a prayer (I'm Gone)
You think you're too good for me (I'm Gone)
Born without a singular care. (I'm Gone)
You think you're so good for me (I'm Gone)
Born of original Sin (I'm Gone)
Baby, You're too blind to see. (I'm Gone)

© by Oz C. 02.02.2020

Billy_Lunch_Money
Contributor


Joined: Fri Mar 2nd, 2018
Location: Leicester, United Kingdom
Posts: 298
Favorite Artist: Hendrix,Nirvana,Ozric Tentacles,Messa,Alice in Chains,Windhand,Khruangbin
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
It did a double post!

Last edited on Sat Sep 12th, 2020 09:36 pm by Billy_Lunch_Money

RainyDayMan
TSF Administrator


Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 6887
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Ha! You took out both sure and surely! I only meant to remove one of them :)

Billy_Lunch_Money
Contributor


Joined: Fri Mar 2nd, 2018
Location: Leicester, United Kingdom
Posts: 298
Favorite Artist: Hendrix,Nirvana,Ozric Tentacles,Messa,Alice in Chains,Windhand,Khruangbin
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Yeah, to be honest I didn't like either, I had visions of Lesley Nielson saying "Don't call me Sherly"

JAPOV
Member


Joined: Mon Jul 17th, 2017
Location: Alabama USA
Posts: 702
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Desire is such a fickle bride
You long to dance in the heat
But when the road grows old and cold
You're quick to find another street...

Just noodling out loud... keep or sweep! :)

Good One!


UltraBB 1.172 Copyright © 2007-2016 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1779 seconds (22% database + 78% PHP). 28 queries executed.