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Born (My third song)
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Wed Sep 9th, 2020 08:29 pm
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Billy_Lunch_Money
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Now I know these lyrics aren't going to be everybody's cup or tea. To be honest I wrote while I was filing for divorce and it kind of helped me through!

Born

You fashioned a new life for me but didn't ask me.
What's wrong with the old one, oh its treachery
All I wanted, all I needed, was peace and tranquillity.

Born on a wing and a prayer
You think you're too good for me
Born without a singular care.
Baby, You're too blind to see.

You take the high road while I'll take the low, Someday I'm sure we'll meet.
If I were to take your road I know my feet will surely bleed.
Everything you wanted and all you ever needed is not here in me.

Born on a wing and a prayer
You think you're too good for me
Born without a singular care.
Baby, You're too blind to see

Oh you've blackened, the skies for me, and I can no longer, see.
If you take me, to a higher ground, I know my ears bleed.
I never wanted, I never needed you here with me.

I'm gone , I'm gone
I'm gone, I'm gone I'm gone, I'm gone


Born on a wing and a prayer (I'm Gone)
You think you're too good for me (I'm Gone)
Born without a singular care. (I'm Gone)
You think you're so good for me (I'm Gone)
Born of original Sin (I'm Gone)
Baby, You're too blind to see. (I'm Gone)

© by Oz C. 02.02.2020

Last edited on Fri Sep 11th, 2020 07:33 pm by Billy_Lunch_Money



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 Posted: Thu Sep 10th, 2020 01:25 am
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MASempine
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I like the lyrics. More depth than most



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 Posted: Thu Sep 10th, 2020 02:52 am
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Andrea
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Hi Billy,

I think your message of a failing relationship is strong. I can feel the emotions.

I would look to tighten the verses and change the structure to make it easier to follow.

In general,the word me is very prevalant. I would try to see if the lines can say the same thing without using me as much.

Being this stems from a personal experience, my suggestions may not fit. So, feel free to ignore if they do not work.

Here is an example of what I hear in my head:

You fashioned a new life for yourself
but didn't ask me.
What's wrong with the old one,
baby its treachery
All I wanted, all I needed,
was peace and tranquillity.

Born on a wing and a prayer
You think you're too good for me
Born without a singular care.
Baby, You're too blind to see.

I'll take the high road while you take the low,
This seems to be our creed
If I were to take your road
I know my feet will bleed
I'm everything you want
but, not everything you need

I like what you have here. I think it just need to be tightened.



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 Posted: Sat Sep 12th, 2020 01:49 am
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RainyDayMan
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Bitterness and anger coming through loud and clear - and conveying emotion is always a good thing.

In v2 I would try to avoid using sure and surely on consecutive lines. You might consider swapping sure > know :
You take the high road while I'll take the low, Someday I know we'll meet.
to get the internal rhyme on low/know.

Seems like this will be one to enjoy when you're in a particular mood.



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 Posted: Sat Sep 12th, 2020 08:34 pm
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Billy_Lunch_Money
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To be honest I'm quite lucky I was able to post this at all. Over the lockdown my computer kept playing up and I lost a load of files and thought this had gone forever. I came across it in the notes section of my email the day before I posted and I guess it's been sitting there for roughly 6 months. Today I sat down with a guitar to see if I could recalled the chords and that came back to me quite quickly, but I don't think this was my final version. I'm sure did do some stuff to tighten up the verses a little already. But doesn't seem to be reflected in this set of lyrics. So guess these maybe a older verse. Heck those verses need clamping down and lock in something chronic and get around to it once the kids are backat school full time.

Andrea, this might be a little selfish but I do think this one's ME, ME ME song and whoever's singing really needs to belt it out. I like this line "This seems to be our creed" have you got any more sugestions like it?


For now, I've reposted a slightly edited version to reflect both yours and RDM's suggestions but no further and everybody who comes across can see the changes and how it's evevolved.


Born

You fashioned a new life for me,
but didn't even ask me.
What's wrong with the old one,
this is treachery
All I wanted, all I needed,
Was peace and tranquillity.

Born on a wing and a prayer
You think you're too good for me
Born without a singular care.
Baby, You're too blind to see.

You take the high road while I'll take the low,
Someday I know we'll meet.
If I were to take your road I know my feet they will bleed.
Everything you wanted and all you ever needed is no longer here in me.

Born on a wing and a prayer
You think you're too good for me
Born without a singular care.
Baby, You're too blind to see

Oh you've blackened, the sky for me, and I can no longer see.
If you take me to a higher ground, I know my ears will bleed.
I never wanted, I never needed you here with me.

I'm gone , I'm gone
I'm gone, I'm gone I'm gone, I'm gone

Born on a wing and a prayer (I'm Gone)
You think you're too good for me (I'm Gone)
Born without a singular care. (I'm Gone)
You think you're so good for me (I'm Gone)
Born of original Sin (I'm Gone)
Baby, You're too blind to see. (I'm Gone)

© by Oz C. 02.02.2020



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 Posted: Sat Sep 12th, 2020 08:35 pm
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Billy_Lunch_Money
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It did a double post!

Last edited on Sat Sep 12th, 2020 08:36 pm by Billy_Lunch_Money



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Sorry I've been away for so long. I'm gonna try and catch up on everything that's been going on.

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 Posted: Sun Sep 13th, 2020 12:23 am
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RainyDayMan
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Ha! You took out both sure and surely! I only meant to remove one of them :)



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 Posted: Sun Sep 13th, 2020 09:47 pm
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Billy_Lunch_Money
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Yeah, to be honest I didn't like either, I had visions of Lesley Nielson saying "Don't call me Sherly"



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Sorry I've been away for so long. I'm gonna try and catch up on everything that's been going on.

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 Posted: Sun Sep 13th, 2020 11:01 pm
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JAPOV
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Desire is such a fickle bride
You long to dance in the heat
But when the road grows old and cold
You're quick to find another street...

Just noodling out loud... keep or sweep! :)

Good One!



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