 |
| Posted: Wed Sep 9th, 2020 08:29 pm |
|
1st Post |
Billy_Lunch_Money
Contributor
| Joined: | Fri Mar 2nd, 2018 |
| Location: | Leicester, United Kingdom |
| Posts: | 302 |
| Favorite Artist: | Hendrix,Nirvana,Ozric Tentacles,Messa,Alice in Chains,Windhand,Khruangbin | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Now I know these lyrics aren't going to be everybody's cup or tea. To be honest I wrote while I was filing for divorce and it kind of helped me through!
Born
You fashioned a new life for me but didn't ask me.
What's wrong with the old one, oh its treachery
All I wanted, all I needed, was peace and tranquillity.
Born on a wing and a prayer
You think you're too good for me
Born without a singular care.
Baby, You're too blind to see.
You take the high road while I'll take the low, Someday I'm sure we'll meet.
If I were to take your road I know my feet will surely bleed.
Everything you wanted and all you ever needed is not here in me.
Born on a wing and a prayer
You think you're too good for me
Born without a singular care.
Baby, You're too blind to see
Oh you've blackened, the skies for me, and I can no longer, see.
If you take me, to a higher ground, I know my ears bleed.
I never wanted, I never needed you here with me.
I'm gone , I'm gone
I'm gone, I'm gone I'm gone, I'm gone
Born on a wing and a prayer (I'm Gone)
You think you're too good for me (I'm Gone)
Born without a singular care. (I'm Gone)
You think you're so good for me (I'm Gone)
Born of original Sin (I'm Gone)
Baby, You're too blind to see. (I'm Gone)
© by Oz C. 02.02.2020
Last edited on Fri Sep 11th, 2020 07:33 pm by Billy_Lunch_Money
____________________
If you find a type'O let me know?
https://soundcloud.com/elijah-falls
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 10th, 2020 01:25 am |
|
2nd Post |
MASempine
Member
| Joined: | Fri Jul 10th, 2020 |
| Location: | Bridgeport, Alabama USA |
| Posts: | 238 |
| Favorite Artist: | Mac Davis, Ray Stevens, | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
I like the lyrics. More depth than most
____________________
What God cannot do is an empty list {...}
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 10th, 2020 02:52 am |
|
3rd Post |
Andrea
Moderator
| Joined: | Tue Nov 27th, 2018 |
| Location: | Poughkeepsie, New York USA |
| Posts: | 2059 |
| Favorite Artist: | Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Hi Billy,
I think your message of a failing relationship is strong. I can feel the emotions.
I would look to tighten the verses and change the structure to make it easier to follow.
In general,the word me is very prevalant. I would try to see if the lines can say the same thing without using me as much.
Being this stems from a personal experience, my suggestions may not fit. So, feel free to ignore if they do not work.
Here is an example of what I hear in my head:
You fashioned a new life for yourself
but didn't ask me.
What's wrong with the old one,
baby its treachery
All I wanted, all I needed,
was peace and tranquillity.
Born on a wing and a prayer
You think you're too good for me
Born without a singular care.
Baby, You're too blind to see.
I'll take the high road while you take the low,
This seems to be our creed
If I were to take your road
I know my feet will bleed
I'm everything you want
but, not everything you need
I like what you have here. I think it just need to be tightened.
____________________
Andrea
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 12th, 2020 01:49 am |
|
4th Post |
RainyDayMan
TSF Administrator
| Joined: | Thu May 17th, 2007 |
| Location: | Stratford, Australia |
| Posts: | 6976 |
| Favorite Artist: | James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell | | I am a: | Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Bitterness and anger coming through loud and clear - and conveying emotion is always a good thing.
In v2 I would try to avoid using sure and surely on consecutive lines. You might consider swapping sure > know :
You take the high road while I'll take the low, Someday I know we'll meet.
to get the internal rhyme on low/know.
Seems like this will be one to enjoy when you're in a particular mood.
____________________
https://soundcloud.com/RainyDayMan/tracks
https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=708281
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 12th, 2020 08:34 pm |
|
5th Post |
Billy_Lunch_Money
Contributor
| Joined: | Fri Mar 2nd, 2018 |
| Location: | Leicester, United Kingdom |
| Posts: | 302 |
| Favorite Artist: | Hendrix,Nirvana,Ozric Tentacles,Messa,Alice in Chains,Windhand,Khruangbin | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
To be honest I'm quite lucky I was able to post this at all. Over the lockdown my computer kept playing up and I lost a load of files and thought this had gone forever. I came across it in the notes section of my email the day before I posted and I guess it's been sitting there for roughly 6 months. Today I sat down with a guitar to see if I could recalled the chords and that came back to me quite quickly, but I don't think this was my final version. I'm sure did do some stuff to tighten up the verses a little already. But doesn't seem to be reflected in this set of lyrics. So guess these maybe a older verse. Heck those verses need clamping down and lock in something chronic and get around to it once the kids are backat school full time.
Andrea, this might be a little selfish but I do think this one's ME, ME ME song and whoever's singing really needs to belt it out. I like this line "This seems to be our creed" have you got any more sugestions like it?
For now, I've reposted a slightly edited version to reflect both yours and RDM's suggestions but no further and everybody who comes across can see the changes and how it's evevolved.
Born
You fashioned a new life for me,
but didn't even ask me.
What's wrong with the old one,
this is treachery
All I wanted, all I needed,
Was peace and tranquillity.
Born on a wing and a prayer
You think you're too good for me
Born without a singular care.
Baby, You're too blind to see.
You take the high road while I'll take the low,
Someday I know we'll meet.
If I were to take your road I know my feet they will bleed.
Everything you wanted and all you ever needed is no longer here in me.
Born on a wing and a prayer
You think you're too good for me
Born without a singular care.
Baby, You're too blind to see
Oh you've blackened, the sky for me, and I can no longer see.
If you take me to a higher ground, I know my ears will bleed.
I never wanted, I never needed you here with me.
I'm gone , I'm gone
I'm gone, I'm gone I'm gone, I'm gone
Born on a wing and a prayer (I'm Gone)
You think you're too good for me (I'm Gone)
Born without a singular care. (I'm Gone)
You think you're so good for me (I'm Gone)
Born of original Sin (I'm Gone)
Baby, You're too blind to see. (I'm Gone)
© by Oz C. 02.02.2020
____________________
If you find a type'O let me know?
https://soundcloud.com/elijah-falls
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 12th, 2020 08:35 pm |
|
6th Post |
| Posted: Sun Sep 13th, 2020 12:23 am |
|
7th Post |
| Posted: Sun Sep 13th, 2020 09:47 pm |
|
8th Post |
Billy_Lunch_Money
Contributor
| Joined: | Fri Mar 2nd, 2018 |
| Location: | Leicester, United Kingdom |
| Posts: | 302 |
| Favorite Artist: | Hendrix,Nirvana,Ozric Tentacles,Messa,Alice in Chains,Windhand,Khruangbin | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Yeah, to be honest I didn't like either, I had visions of Lesley Nielson saying "Don't call me Sherly"
____________________
If you find a type'O let me know?
https://soundcloud.com/elijah-falls
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 13th, 2020 11:01 pm |
|
9th Post |
JAPOV
Member
| Joined: | Mon Jul 17th, 2017 |
| Location: | Alabama USA |
| Posts: | 705 |
| Favorite Artist: | | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Desire is such a fickle bride
You long to dance in the heat
But when the road grows old and cold
You're quick to find another street...
Just noodling out loud... keep or sweep! 
Good One!
____________________
http://www.soundclick.com/JAPOV
Let's write something!!!!
|
|
Back To Top
|
|
|
|
