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The mouse of platform 21
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Sun Aug 23rd, 2020 03:10 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Some kind of „just for fun“ lyrics...or maybe not. All I know is I enjoyed the situation each and every time. And somehow I started thinking about myself, about us.
Feel free to comment and give feedback...

The mouse of platform 21

No one should but I know I did. A‘
Noticed you down there on the rail
I see you almost everytime
I’ve seen your nose I’ve seen your tail
While waiting for my train back home
You show up and wave me goodbye
While you search for a little snack
For some bread an some crumbs of pie

It sounds silly but I tell you. B
I just found a new friend
It sounds silly but I tell you
He shows up when my day is done
It sounds silly but I tell you
I just found a new friend
The mouse of platform 21
It sounds silly but I tell you
I just found a new friend
It sounds silly but I tell you
Wakes up by the last light of the sun
The mouse of platform 21

Without white glove, without red pants. A+
And it’s no theme park where you dwell
How does the world look from down there?
Are all your babies strong and well?
You made me think about myself
Think about us, the human race
Like you we just try to provide
So hard we work to build our place

It sounds silly but I tell you. B
I just found a new friend
It sounds silly but I tell you
He shows up when my day is done
It sounds silly but I tell you
I just found a new friend
The mouse of platform 21
It sounds silly but I tell you
I just found a new friend
It sounds silly but I tell you
Wakes up by the last light of the sun
The mouse of platform 21

A bit of bread slipped through my fingers. C
Hope you’ll find it in the dark
A bit of bread slipped through my fingers
Shhh...don’t let the others know
A bit of bread slipped through my fingers
Hope you’ll find it in the dark
Until next time my friend
I’ll soon have to go

It sounds silly but I tell you. B
I just found a new friend
It sounds silly but I tell you
He shows up when my day is done
It sounds silly but I tell you
I just found a new friend
The mouse of platform 21
It sounds silly but I tell you
I just found a new friend
It sounds silly but I tell you
Wakes up by the last light of the sun
The mouse of platform 21

Watching you gave inspiration A*
I will soon sit down with my pen
My train arrives, be careful there!
Take care pal, I’ll see you again

© by Ian P.
05.02.2015/ reworked 23.08.2020
W by Ian P.
for: VB



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 Posted: Mon Aug 24th, 2020 12:17 am
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RainyDayMan
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I like it Ian. A focus on the small and simple things.
It feels kind.

I would simplify the latter part of the chorus a little. I don't know that all the repeated lines are adding more value:
It sounds silly but I tell you. B
I just found a new friend
It sounds silly but I tell you
He shows up when my day is done
It sounds silly but I tell you
I just found a new friend
The mouse of platform 21
Wakes up by the last light of the sun
The mouse of platform 21


And again in your 'C' part, the repetition on:
A bit of bread slipped through my fingers
doesn't feel necessary.

"The mouse of platform 21" would be a great line to finish on.
You might even consider ditching your A* part. It changes the perspective and feels distinctly different to the rest of the song.
Then you could finish on the chorus.



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 Posted: Mon Aug 24th, 2020 05:12 am
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RainbowKeeper
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Thanx rdm definitely something to think about!



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Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
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 Posted: Tue Aug 25th, 2020 10:06 pm
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Andrea
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Hi Ian, This is a different kind of story. I like the idea of noticing this small creature and relating to it in a way.

I agree with RDM that the repeated lines in the chorus feel like too much.

I think you could easily par down the repetition without losing anything here too:

A bit of bread slipped through my fingers. C
Hope you’ll find it in the dark
A bit of bread slipped through my fingers
Shhh...don’t let the others know >>- this is so cute
Until next time my friend
Soon I'll have to go >>_- I like this part

I kind of liked the last part, but I do see RDM's point. Plus I love the hook line a lot. I could see ending with that. I like it either way.



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 Posted: Wed Aug 26th, 2020 09:17 am
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RainbowKeeper
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Thanx for your feedback Andrea. Having a closer look in a bit.



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Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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