Lot of feeling captured in this one which is great!
I particularly like the opening verses through to the first chorus. Those shorter lines just evoke a slow, expressive, emotional country song.
I also like these lines: I think he'll grin
When I give him
Dad's old fishing pole
It looks like the chorus is everything after:
Is that right? If so, it's a long one! And to be honest I think it's too long. I would stop at "Don't go giving up on me just yet" not only for length reasons, but because the money references change the tone as well. In reality money is a key issue and cause of relationship stress, but to me it doesn't improve this song.
I'm not keen on: With my new job I'll catch up
I'd go for something more like:
I'll get my life together
Other suggestions for your consideration:
I lay and think what he thinks > I lay and wonder what he thinks
(the repeat of "think" will please some, annoy others)
But give me this one request > But grant me one request
('Grant' is less conversational, but I think it goes better with request.
Don't go giving up on me just yet > Don't give up on me just yet
(unless you need the extra syllables there)
But overall, I like the story and love the emotion.
Feels like it will work well as a country song.
I really appreciate your input and I agree. As far as the chorus I tend to get a little long but keeping it interesting by ramping up the vocal and guitar. Although. I'll play it as you suggested and see how it sets.
Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses
I am a:
Hi John, I read this a couple days ago, and I see you have cut quite a bit. I don't recall exactly what used to be there, so I can't comment on any of that.
The biggest thing you cut out though was the title. I think you need a new one
I think this story starts out about a breakup and ends up talking more about father and son (which is better in my opinion). I really like the connection between you and your son, and also you and your dad (and son).
I would try to tailor the story to the relationship between you and your son.
I stopped by your house today
and you guys weren't home
I wish I'd known
I'd be there
Flashbacks of you and me - I would replace you and me. Maybe Flashbacks of summer days, my son's face/smile
Were too much to bear
and right outside
my son's bike - here you could swap out son for his is needed
I bought last year
I would consider adding a verse that ties the memories with your dad to you and your son.
I have to say that I really like what you got here!
Simply moving and easy going but with a very deep emotion „behind“ the words. Great piece! I’d like to bring up, that it sounds very honest and that I think it’s a brave thing for a man to write this kind of lyrics in this style. Bravo!
The only line I’m strumbling over while reading is:
Next week I'm taking him fishing....this may be stylish and gramma and stuff...but for a singer it’s **** on a candy stick. You use „will-future“ from that point on, so why not use it for this line, too? ...next week I’ll take him fishing...is much easier to get out, pronounce and has more flow. But that’s just my opinion.
____________________ Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters