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Mental Disorder
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Fri Aug 21st, 2020 10:24 pm
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arthursatine
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Hello, I'm a new user. Here is my demo record (almost pre final). I want to hear your opinion, criticism. You write music, lyrics, and I'm sure that you do it professionally. Tell me what is wrong here or what you liked. I'll be very grateful!


https://soundcloud.com/arthursatine/mental-disorder


MENTAL DISORDER

Chemistry & hatred, meaningless grasp.
Hate you and you hate me, so today is the last
Ask me to forgive ya, **** you, listen to your friends
Genius not genuine - how our story ends

Pre

Lied you always lied
Hate you
Nothing to hide
Get away
Nothing to say
Yes I'm a psycho
It's ok

Chorus

Hello my mental disorder
My memory's dead moreover
I'm turning pale like I'm sober
Symbolise it, knives are honed
I'm just doing what I want

Verse 2

I put on my best dress spectra and lights
The leopard can't change his spots
Misery lies
Ask me to forgive ya, sorry can you disappear?
You can’t no longer **** with
With Erlin Roe (alter ego)

Chorus

Hello my mental disorder
My memory's dead moreover
I'm turning pale like I'm sober
Symbolise it, knives are honed
I'm just doing what I want

Hello my mental disorder
My memory's dead moreover
I'm turning pale like I'm sober
Symbolise it, knives are honed
I'm just doing what I want

Bridge

Want to trash! No one's gonna get it, come on, let's forget it
Asylum is ready, treasure me so very
Want to trash! No one's gonna have it, come on, let's forget it
Asylum is ready, treasure me so very
Mental
Mental

Hello
Mental Hello

Chorus

Hello my mental disorder
My memory's dead moreover
I'm turning pale like I'm sober
Symbolise it, knives are honed
I'm just doing what I want

I'm just doing what I want
I'm sober
I'm just doing what I want
I'm sober

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 Posted: Fri Aug 21st, 2020 11:10 pm
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Andrea
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Hello, As per the forum guidelines, you need to introduce yourself before you post. Please do so, so we can get to know you.

Also, review 2 songs for every song that you post.



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 Posted: Fri Aug 21st, 2020 11:59 pm
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arthursatine
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I did it, thank you!

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 Posted: Sat Aug 22nd, 2020 12:39 am
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RainbowKeeper
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Hey there,
I just listened to the track...and that’s what I give you my feedback on (have a closer look at the lyrics in a bit).

All in all I like the production. Kinda club sound and a bit psychedelic in the effects. I do like how you play with the tempo and how you got the upbeat in. I think it could use a little more upbeat around the climax of the song. And you could slow it all down afterwards. I’d like that cause it would give it a bit more character.
I do like the way you interpreted the lyrics and in the beginning I understood you clearly... changed a bit when you started using the effects and tempo changes with the beat. It could come out a bit more clear there.
But all in all a very well computer production!
RK



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Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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 Posted: Sat Aug 22nd, 2020 12:46 am
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arthursatine
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Thank you so much! You gave good ideas.

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 Posted: Sat Aug 22nd, 2020 12:50 am
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RainbowKeeper
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Glad I could be helpful!
Will give you a lyric feedback when I’m fully awake again. LoL
BTW you are ahead of me... must almost 4 am....sleep lol



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Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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 Posted: Sat Aug 22nd, 2020 01:28 am
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Andrea
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Hi Arthur, I like the sound you have going. You have a very nice voice. I like this a lot. I do feel some of the words are hard to hear as they blend into one another.



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 Posted: Sat Aug 22nd, 2020 03:46 am
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RainyDayMan
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It's got a strong vibe going and a definite mood and they fit the lyric.

I also found the vocals hard to hear clearly. That may be part of the sound you want, but it seems a shame to lose any of the lyric which is very meaningful in the song. Obviously we can read the lyric here (thank you!) but a listener may not have that option. Not sure if that is FX on the vocal, or some EQing to be done. I do like the ethereal sort of style used for your vocal, and you have a good voice!

I like the chorus in particular, and the build in dynamics at that point works well, You could even emphasize that more if you wanted to.

The intro is intriguing, and I was glad you didn't go loud after that - would have been too harsh a contrast.

You might consider swapping:
With Erlin Roe (alter ego) > With my alter ego (Erlin Roe)
to emphasize the part that will make most sense to your listener

"le-o-pard " is a bit of a stretch, but I think you get away with it!

And nice to have an ending rather than simply fading away.
It's a cool track! If you can get the vocals clear I'd say you are nearly there.



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 Posted: Sat Aug 22nd, 2020 03:55 am
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RainyDayMan
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arthursatine wrote:
You write music, lyrics, and I'm sure that you do it professionally.

Most of us here are amateurs, meaning we do it for love not money. The comments you get are just opinions, and are not necessarily backed up by commercial success or industry experience.

If you find the feedback helpful, that's great! It's meant to be helpful. But it's just an opinion. Things for you to consider rather than wisdom set in stone.



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 Posted: Sat Aug 22nd, 2020 11:00 am
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RainbowKeeper
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Ok, I took a look on the lyrics....

MENTAL DISORDER

Chemistry & hatred, meaningless grasp.
Hate you and you hate me, so today is the last
Ask me to forgive ya, **** you, listen to your friends
Genius not genuine - how our story ends
<<< I don’t get the „today is the last“ part

Pre

Lied you always lied
Hate you
Nothing to hide
Get away
Nothing to say
Yes I'm a psycho
It's ok. << I like the „keep it short“ character

Chorus

Hello my mental disorder
My memory's dead moreover
I'm turning pale like I'm sober
Symbolise it, knives are honed
I'm just doing what I want
<< the symbolise line ....mhh I dunno somehow....

Verse 2

I put on my best dress spectra and lights
The leopard can't change his spots
Misery lies
Ask me to forgive ya, sorry can you disappear?
You can’t no longer **** with
With Erlin Roe (alter ego)
<< what has the Leopard to do with all of it? Besides are you talking about the animal or the tank?! Or maybe both...
Alter ego?

Chorus

Hello my mental disorder
My memory's dead moreover
I'm turning pale like I'm sober
Symbolise it, knives are honed
I'm just doing what I want

Hello my mental disorder
My memory's dead moreover
I'm turning pale like I'm sober
Symbolise it, knives are honed
I'm just doing what I want

Bridge

Want to trash! No one's gonna get it, come on, let's forget it
Asylum is ready, treasure me so very
Want to trash! No one's gonna have it, come on, let's forget it
Asylum is ready, treasure me so very
Mental
Mental
<< want to trash...simply used to show rage and anger?

Hello
Mental Hello

Chorus

Hello my mental disorder
My memory's dead moreover
I'm turning pale like I'm sober
Symbolise it, knives are honed
I'm just doing what I want

I'm just doing what I want
I'm sober
I'm just doing what I want
I'm sober
<<< I do like the ending



____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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 Posted: Sat Aug 22nd, 2020 11:50 am
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arthursatine
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Thanks for your attention RainbowKeeper! The lines about leopard and symbolism are local references that do not need to be understood, they will be revealed in the album.

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 Posted: Sat Aug 22nd, 2020 11:55 am
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RainbowKeeper
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Aha I c!
Well in that case I want one to figure it all out!
Spasibo!

RK



____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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