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| Posted: Wed Aug 12th, 2020 01:44 am |
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RainbowKeeper
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After the last couple of days it doesn’t surprise me that my mind came up with something like this. So I tried to bring my ideas together and started writing. I’m not really satisfied but somehow writing it was like watching a movie in front of my inner eye. Like always, I’d love to read comments, ideas and feedback.
Specially from Rainydayman 😉
RK
Sheet lightning
This heat is so unforgiving A‘
It will dry out my whole body
It will burn out what’s inside, too
Need for cooling, an endless quest
While my soul turns to a desert
From afar I hear a rumble
The wind is rising strong and fresh
So harsh it cuts against my chest
Sheet lightning. B
Rolling thunder
Hurricane inside of me
Sheet lightning
Endless hard rain
A storm is approaching
Please clean my soul, hear my plea
Clouds pile up and change their colour. A+
And hail is falling from the sky
I hear it rattling on the roof
Staying inside is for the best
A flash lights up my single thoughts
And then I pray to be reborn
The wind is blowing, strong and fast
So harsh it cuts against my chest
Sheet lightning. B
Rolling thunder
Hurricane inside of me
Sheet lightning
Endless hard rain
A storm is approaching
Please clean my soul, hear my plea
And when the storm is over. C
I feel refreshed, the air is clear
And when the storm is over
Clean water has washed away my fear
And when the storm is over
I feel refreshed, the air is clear
The burnt land will disappear
Fresh water has reached the roots inside
And new oxygen fills the atmosphere
Sheet lightning. B
Rolling thunder
Hurricane inside of me
Sheet lightning
Endless hard rain
A storm is approaching
Please clean my soul, hear my plea
A flash lights up my single thoughts. A*
And then I pray to be reborn
The wind is blowing, strong and fast
So harsh it cuts against my chest
© by Ian P.
12.08.20/02:15am
W by Ian P.
for: VBLast edited on Thu Aug 13th, 2020 02:14 am by RainbowKeeper
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Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
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| Posted: Thu Aug 13th, 2020 12:28 am |
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RainyDayMan
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I like it Ian!
When it gets to the chorus I can almost hear the music playing. Those shorter lines just lend themselves to being sung out. And they are a nice contrast with the longer verses.
The imagery is very evocative. I guess we can all relate to weather, but a summer storm approaching during a heat wave is very vivid here.
I like the choice to use the bridge for when the storm has passed. The different music there will marry up with the change in the weather.
Not sure you need the A* at the end. I think you could easily end on the chorus if you wanted to.
Suggestions for your consideration:
Search for cooling > Need for cooling
on the roof > on the rooftops
Fresh water has washed away my fear > Clean water ...
This line doesn't work for me, but I'm not sure what you would replace it with:
Staying inside is for the best
These lines feel out of context to me:
A flash lights up my single thoughts
And then I pray to be reborn
Maybe you are going for water refreshing your soul there but "reborn" feels too strong for that, and the weather motif is missing, so my reaction was: where did that come from?
But overall I think it works well, and I particularly like the chorus.
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https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=708281
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| Posted: Thu Aug 13th, 2020 02:12 am |
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3rd Post |
RainbowKeeper
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Hey Owen,
thanks for your kind words and advice.
Search for cooling > Need for cooling. << that’s better
on the roof > on the rooftops<< I’d like to stick to singular here, because I’m talking about MY roof...the place where I „hide“ my soul at. That’s also why I wrote the line „staying inside...“ but I do agree, that the „inside“ line is the weakest.
Fresh water has washed away my fear > Clean water ... << didn’t thought off that word...ty
A flash lights up my single thoughts << I wanted to continue with the weather topic and lightning was just too long for the line. But I wanted to connect with the meta-level of the lyrics, saying that for this moment somehow all my thoughts light up, or become clear to me, realizing that I feel that’s needed to get renewed inside....and yes the next line
„And then I pray to be reborn“ connects here. But you are right I thought about the water, the hard rain that arrive at the inner-self and gives new energy to the roots and cleans out the soul from all the s**t inside, so that something new may be grow.
Maybe that’s just to complicated for a listener/reader...mhhh I’ll think about it.
The A* ending....did that cause I like songs with a „fade out“ in the end, but yeah it’s a not needed part.
Ian
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Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
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| Posted: Thu Aug 13th, 2020 10:17 pm |
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Andrea
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I like the descriptive use of the weather to depict an internal storm. The chorus is my favorite part, although I am unsure about saying 'hear my plea'. I am not sure who you are talking to here.
As for:
"A flash lights up my single thoughts
And then I pray to be reborn"
I liked the flash idea for thoughts. I might change out single for something else (jumbled, inner, volatile...)
When I read this, reborn didn't feel like it fit quite right. I read your answer to RDM, and maybe rather than say I pray to be reborn, say something like I feel reborn?
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Andrea
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| Posted: Thu Aug 13th, 2020 10:59 pm |
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RainbowKeeper
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Andrea
Thanx for your feedback and opinions!
Hope you enjoy your mod status!
Ian
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Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
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