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Everblue
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Mon Aug 10th, 2020 06:46 pm
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cmaja
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I’m making up new words now. CMA

Everblue

Verse 1:
Sorry on the post-it you left on the door
Keys on the counter you won’t need anymore
Your clothes, shoes, and toothbrush are all gone
My mind says okay but my heart’s feeling wronged
You told me before, I didn’t think it would come true
Now my life is fading everblue

Chorus:
Everblue, how can I get over you
You left me here broken-hearted
Everblue, I need to work this through
Was it me why you departed
Everblue, how can I ever pursue
A romance with somebody new

Verse 2:
Lonely, I must force myself to carry on
Fight remorse from the love I once counted on
Clear out all the cobwebs from my head
Give my heart a spark, try something new instead
But everything I do brings back memories of you
Oh, my world is shaded everblue

Chorus:
Everblue, how can I get over you
You left me here broken-hearted
Everblue, l need to work this through
Was it me why you departed
Everblue, how can I ever pursue
A romance with somebody new

Bridge:
Do you still love me despite
Do you sit and reminisce
Dream of me in the wee of night
Awake with my name on your lips, oh
Please don’t be concerned, I’ll be alright
But it’s hard to carry on without your kiss

Pre-chorus:
If you change your mind at all
Don’t hesitate to call me...
I’m so...

Chorus:
Everblue, how can I get over you
You left me here broken-hearted
Everblue, I need to work this through
Was it me why you departed
Everblue, how can I ever pursue
A romance with somebody new

Coda:
Everblue, everblue over you
I’m everblue over you... you, over you...
Everblue

© 2020 Charles M Anderson

Last edited on Mon Aug 31st, 2020 01:43 am by cmaja



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 Posted: Tue Aug 11th, 2020 08:34 pm
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MASempine
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The hook is great

I loved the first verse

Chorus starts strong but hue new blue rhymes seem mechanical. Not like you usually write. I like rhyme so if I’m feeling it you may actually be overdoing it. Doesn’t need a lot of work. Just sing it a few hundred times and you’ll come up with what it is calling for

Please realize that this song has the potential to be a classic. I think it could be that good



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 Posted: Wed Aug 12th, 2020 01:58 am
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cmaja
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Thank MAS... The third line in the chorus just wasn’t right. I changed it. I appreciate your input.

Charles



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 Posted: Thu Aug 13th, 2020 01:48 am
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RainyDayMan
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"Everblue" is a great new word - packs a lot of punch.

Verse 1 sets things up nicely, strong visuals, and my favorite line:
My mind says okay but my heart’s feeling wronged

I feel like this line might be stronger in the present tense:
Now my life has faded everblue > Now my life is fading everblue

The chorus is good and should work well in a jazz style.

how can I someday pursue
A romance with somebody new

To me this implies (s)he is already thinking towards a new romance, but the emotion of the rest of the song is more "I'll never find anyone else and remain everblue".
I think it's the "someday", so maybe:
how can I ever pursue
A romance with somebody new

In v2 it might be smoother if you drop the "must"
Lonely, I must force myself to carry on > Lonely, I force myself to carry on
but that might wreck your syllable count!

Strong choice to come back to "everblue" in the last line of the 2nd verse.

I like the coda, but I feel like the final word should be everblue.



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 Posted: Thu Aug 13th, 2020 05:42 pm
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cmaja
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RainyDayMan wrote:
"Everblue" is a great new word - packs a lot of punch.

Verse 1 sets things up nicely, strong visuals, and my favorite line:
My mind says okay but my heart’s feeling wronged

I feel like this line might be stronger in the present tense:
Now my life has faded everblue > Now my life is fading everblue

The chorus is good and should work well in a jazz style.

how can I someday pursue
A romance with somebody new

To me this implies (s)he is already thinking towards a new romance, but the emotion of the rest of the song is more "I'll never find anyone else and remain everblue".
I think it's the "someday", so maybe:
how can I ever pursue
A romance with somebody new

In v2 it might be smoother if you drop the "must"
Lonely, I must force myself to carry on > Lonely, I force myself to carry on
but that might wreck your syllable count!

Strong choice to come back to "everblue" in the last line of the 2nd verse.

I like the coda, but I feel like the final word should be everblue.


Hi, RD Man... Thanks a bunch for your review and suggestions. I’ll incorporated all of them save for the second verse line one. Messes up my word count with verse one, as you said. Once again you came through... Peace

Charles

Last edited on Tue Feb 9th, 2021 07:07 am by cmaja



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 Posted: Mon Feb 8th, 2021 09:32 pm
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SongWriterJoe
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"Was I the reason you departed?"



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 Posted: Mon Feb 8th, 2021 11:49 pm
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cmaja
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Thanks, SWJoe... I’ll consider your suggestion.

Peace,

Charles



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 Posted: Tue Feb 9th, 2021 04:42 am
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RainyDayMan
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Cool!

Happy to give you suggestions Charles because
a) you'll listen to them; but
b) you make up your own mind whether they fit what you want

and I think your songs are stronger for your willingness to edit and revise.



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 Posted: Tue Feb 9th, 2021 07:14 am
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cmaja
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RainyDayMan wrote:
Cool!

Happy to give you suggestions Charles because
a) you'll listen to them; but
b) you make up your own mind whether they fit what you want

and I think your songs are stronger for your willingness to edit and revise.


Hey, Owen... I’ve learn over the years a key to good songwriting is collaboration. I always look forward to it, focusing on the final product. If music is added to it, I’ll probably need to make some more changes. Thanks,

Charles



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