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| Posted: Sat Aug 1st, 2020 10:44 pm |
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1st Post |
RainbowKeeper
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Tach!
I have to say I’m not quiet happy with this one. I can’t put my finger on it, but maybe I’ll get some feedback that will show me the weak points. I don’t know but it just needed to be „born“ and so I kept on writing wondering where this is going...
RK
Trust and hope
I’ve never been after money. A‘
And not after silver and gold
And while others live in sunshine
I do know rain and the cold
Trying to keep my dreams alive
While doing what I have to do
Wearing a mask, hiding my face
Trying to somehow make it through
A loner strumbling down his road. A+
And no one seems to care ‚bout me
There is no smile, no tender touch
Love is an ancient memory
Trying to keep my heart open
While doing what I have to do
Building a wall, hiding my soul
But somehow I’m longing for you
Trust and hope B
I hardly remember
Trust and hope
My sickness seems to have no cure
Trust and hope
I hardly remember
Trust and hope
Am I just too immature?
Trust and hope
Your way to me won’t be easy
That’s for sure
Can you find beauty in chaos? C
And can you feel eternity?
Can you understand the silence?
Can you smile while you are saying goodbye?
Can you do the impossible?
And describe the unspeakable?
Can you understand my silence?
Can you hold your head up high, while you cry?
A loner strumbling down his road. A*
And doing what he has to do
Hiding his face, hiding his soul
Scared of himself, afraid of you
© by Ian P.
01.08.2020/09:30pm
W by Ian P.
for: VB
____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
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| Posted: Sun Aug 2nd, 2020 02:49 pm |
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2nd Post |
Andrea
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| Location: | Poughkeepsie, New York USA |
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Hi Ian, This is sad and forlorn with a poetic feel. Overall it feels pretty strong. As few tweaks might help you feel it works better. I hit that line, wearing a mask and thought- covid lyrics? I can see from the rest that it is not about the pandemic, but something more internal.
Here are my ideas to use or lose:
I’ve never been after money. A‘ >>- not keen on "been after", but it's ok
And not after silver and gold
And while others live in sunshine >>- might drop And from either line 2 or 3.
I do know rain and the cold >>- I do know the rain and cold
Trying to keep my dreams alive
While doing what I have to do - this line feels weak
Wearing a mask, hiding my face
Trying to somehow make it through
A loner strumbling down his road. A+
And no one seems to care ‚bout me
There is no smile, no tender touch
Love is an ancient memory
Trying to keep my heart open
While doing what I have to do
Building a wall, hiding my soul
But somehow I’m longing for you
In V2 I was confused as to the use of no one seems to care, and then longing for you, which seemed to be focused on one person. Then I read the last line and I believe YOU means the whole human race?
Trust and hope B
I hardly remember
Trust and hope
My sickness seems to have no cure
Trust and hope
I hardly remember
Trust and hope
Am I just too immature?
Trust and hope
Your way to me won’t be easy
That’s for sure >>- I do not understand these last 2 lines
Can you find beauty in chaos? C
And can you feel eternity?
Can you understand the silence?
Can you smile while you are saying goodbye?
Can you do the impossible?
And describe the unspeakable?
Can you understand my silence?
Can you hold your head up high, while you cry?
Part C feels the weakest to me. I am not sure it all fits and makes sense. Some words fit well, eternity, silence, goodbye, and I love the last line the best. For other words I feel I am missing some information, chaos, unspeakable. I might consider using first person here - not sure on that one.
A loner strumbling down his road. A*
And doing what he has to do
Hiding his face, hiding his soul
Scared of himself, afraid of you
I like the end a lot.
I hope you find something in my ideas to help.
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Andrea
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| Posted: Sun Aug 2nd, 2020 03:36 pm |
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3rd Post |
RainbowKeeper
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| Location: | Germany |
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Hey miss Mod,
Thanks for your review and comments! In A‘ you pointed out some small things I was unsure about too. I will have to find better words or bring them together in another way.
What I wonder about is that you don’t understand or don’t like exactly those parts I would call the strongest ones. I guess it’s because the message is unclear and that’s something I have to work out better. So thanks also for that.
The ending was just a „come together“ of lines I wanted to repeat, to show the character of this piece once again. But it seems as if I did it well 😉
Thanks!
RK
____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
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| Posted: Sat Aug 8th, 2020 07:56 pm |
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4th Post |
M.P. Dudash
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| Location: | Ohio USA |
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Rainbowkeeper, as suggested above I think less would be more. For me I can see many of the lines being shortened.
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Takamine GN71CE Sunburst
Marlen Sd-10(Supposedly used on a Byrds recording)
Self teaching in progress
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| Posted: Wed Aug 12th, 2020 12:47 am |
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5th Post |
RainbowKeeper
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Ty for your opinion M P D.
____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
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| Posted: Fri Aug 21st, 2020 11:58 pm |
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6th Post |
arthursatine
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I think I could write music for this, but I don't know what melody is in your mind
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