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| Posted: Wed Jul 29th, 2020 01:48 pm |
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M.P. Dudash
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On the park bench where he met her
He placed one last rose
On the headstone beside her
Reads his name and a date unknown
If I were to guess
I’d say it won’t be long
Cause a man can’t live on mem’ries alone
Once his Heaven is gone
His life turns to hell
From a home, to a house, turned into a cell
The smiles that still hang
In the pictures postponed
Cause a man can’t live on mem’ries alone
(Pedal steel fill)
As the perfume from her pillow
Slowly fades away
The keystone of his happiness
Crumbles more every day
The flowers barely wilted
He placed on her grave
Got tossed in the hole
They dug today
Once his Heaven is gone
His life turns to hell
From a home, to a house, turned into a cell
The smiles that still hang
In the pictures postponed
Cause a man can’t live on mem’ries alone
Though teardrops are falling
Without a doubt I know he’d say
I wouldn’t have it any other way....
Once his Heaven is gone
His life turns to hell
From a home, to a house, turned into a cell
(Fading out)
Copyright © Michael P. Dudash 7/29/20
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| Posted: Wed Jul 29th, 2020 05:20 pm |
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RainbowKeeper
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Hey there!
This one is quiet impressive!
But I got 2-3 things in my mind that could be just a little bit improved to make it even more perfect. Of cause only from my personal point of view 😉
The keystone that crumbles made me frown a little. The message is great but somehow I’d consider it the weakest part in this piece, maybe you can find a better image? Besides I’m totally amazed by the 2 lines before!
Got tossed in the hole
They dug today < I don’t fully get that...specially not with the 2 lines before that added. Maybe it’s one of the things a not native speaker can’t understand but somehow 🤔
Same goes for: I wouldn’t have it any other way.... it’s an idiom I had to look up at first, because for me the time get a bit unclear here. Is that meant to be present time? Cause I don’t think that he would like to cry on a grave....🤔 or am I completely lost on that one? If so please help me understand it! Ty!
All in all I see some great talent and feeling for intimacy in here. You are able to touch what most ppl would generally overlook. Great eye for details!
RK
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| Posted: Wed Jul 29th, 2020 06:14 pm |
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MASempine
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Looks good. Nothing to fix
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| Posted: Wed Jul 29th, 2020 06:52 pm |
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M.P. Dudash
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Rainbowkeeper, thanks for the review and input. I was a bit iffy with the keystone line also. I may look to change that. As for the hole they dug today that was meant to signify that he was going to be laid to rest next to her. The wouldn’t have it any other way is meant that though some mourn the loss he is happy to have been reunited with the woman he loved. Thanks for the input.
Thanks MASempine!
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| Posted: Wed Jul 29th, 2020 07:17 pm |
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RainbowKeeper
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Ahh thanks for your help there. I got confused, but NOW I understand what you want to say there. Maybe a little change would help there...something like „ they will dig this day“...just a thought.
About the keystone....mhh thinking about another image for that. Haven’t been very successful yet, but I’ll keep it in mind. All I can think off atm is solid ground turns to quicksand.
Anyway glad I could help you with my input.
Tgc
RK
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Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
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| Posted: Thu Jul 30th, 2020 03:30 pm |
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Andrea
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Wow - this is fantastic! The fist verse is chilling, and the other verse are so good too. I have no complaints about any of it.
I was ok with the keystone, but her is a thought I had:
As the perfume from her pillow
Slowly fades away
The root/foundation of his being
slips more every day
Although I did understand what was happening here, I think if you 'had' placed or he'd placed on her grave - that could make the meaning more clear.
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| Posted: Thu Jul 30th, 2020 04:40 pm |
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RainbowKeeper
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Hey Andrea,
We had the same idea...I was about to post a line using the word „foundation“, too. 😅 it sounds so....serious.
Another thing that came to my mind was ground/earth and quacking/shaking....
have a good one
RK
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| Posted: Fri Jul 31st, 2020 07:49 am |
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RainyDayMan
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It's a strong one Mike! Definitely a keeper.
Good hook and title, and you've certainly got a mood going here!
It starts very well. That first verse, pre-chorus and chorus all work beautifully.
You might consider:
turned into a cell > that turned into a cell
I didn't understand the reference to the flowers being tossed in the hole without your explanation. So I think you might want to tweak that somehow.
Also "They dug today" feels short compared to other lines (though maybe you want that to be abrupt at that point).
So maybe:
Got tossed in the second hole
They dug there today
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| Posted: Fri Jul 31st, 2020 05:42 pm |
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M.P. Dudash
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Thanks Andrea! From what you and the others have pointed out I think there may be a little tweaking necessary. Owen, I had that line the way you suggested and changed it last minute thanks for the suggestion. I’ll get back to it when I can. The bug has bitten and I’m not sure how long it’s going to stay this time so I’m churning out as many as I can. Thanks all.
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cmaja
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Hey, Mike, this is nice! Few minor suggestions:
1. V1, line 4: Reads his name and a date unknown, try: Reads his name, no date shows
2. Chorus, line 3: Drop “turned” since you have turn in the previous line. Smooths it out a bit.
3. V2, lines 2-4: Try:
Fades slowly away (works better with V1)
His keystone of happiness
Crumbles more day by day
4. Pre-chorus 2: Try:
Flowers now wilted
He placed on her grave
Slipped into the hole they dug up today
5. Pre-chorus 3: Try:
Teardrops are falling
I know he would say
I wouldn’t have it any other way....
But, very nice overall.
Charles
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M.P. Dudash
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Thanks Charles, I do like some of your suggestions. I will revisit.
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