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DISAPPEARING STAR by Mot Juste
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Mon Jul 27th, 2020 05:21 am
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motis
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LISTEN TO THE SONG HERE: https://motisbeard.bandcamp.com/track/disappearing-star-demo1

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My bandmate Justin Tyler Reed and I operate under the name MOT JUSTE; we are currently amassing and refining demos, so that we can get into a studio and record them properly. Here's one of our songs; I hope you enjoy it, and look forward to hearing what you think of it. . . PLEASE don't be afraid to give constructive criticism; I'm not a baby and don't require coddling.

NOTE: This is a compositional demo, not meant for distribution. I don't mind at all if you point out shortcomings in the recording/engineering quality, but it probably won't be relevant.

Justin and I both contribute to all aspects of all our songs, but it varies from song to song, so we have decided to just share credit for everything under our band name, for simplicity's sake. . . otherwise the liner notes would be a Dostoyevsky novel!

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DISAPPEARING STAR
© 2019 by Mot Juste (Beard/Reed)

I met someone on a summer day
I said I like your hat
'cause I had nothing else to say
Her eyes were virtuous
her hair in natural curls
Why did I fall in love?

I just don't know what I can do
All I do know is that I love you
When we were together
we had stars all around
When they disappeared I lost my way

I made a grave mistake yesterday
I said "I gotta run"
'cause my fear won't let me stay
She stayed in bed and cried
I got into my car
Why was I so afraid of scars?

I met someone just today
I said I like your hate
'cause I had nothing else to say
Her smile was lecherous
her hair was dyed and curled
Why can't I fall in love?
Why can't I fall in love?
Why can't we fall in love?



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 Posted: Mon Jul 27th, 2020 10:41 am
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ChrisPrice
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Sounds more of a demo than your previous song. Some nice harmonies going on here but I feel that this really is work in progress. I'd be interested to hear this one further down the line if you know what I mean. :)

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 Posted: Thu Jul 30th, 2020 06:50 am
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findmykeys
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I really enjoyed the first 40 seconds but must admit I felt it lost momentum from second verse onwards. I get that the change is reflecting the storytelling though.

As I say the start is brilliant and I think there's a very cool song in there.

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 Posted: Thu Jul 30th, 2020 05:52 pm
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JAPOV
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Yep! Great concept! Just needs to be fleshed out a bit more. Excellent start!



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Let's write something!!!! :)
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 Posted: Thu Jul 30th, 2020 07:03 pm
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motis
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Thanks, y'all. I'm grateful for the feedback, but in this particular case I'm not really eager to mess with the basic structure of the song, because it tells a linear story. . . but hopefully the next version I record will address the points you've brought up, just by adding drums and bass and a verse part with some instrumental solo stuff in it.



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 Posted: Sat Aug 1st, 2020 03:38 am
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RainyDayMan
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For me there needs to be a stronger contrast between the verse and the chorus to help the song develop.
Noted that you aren't looking to change the structure at this point, so maybe you can use dynamics and instrumentation for that effect.

As a minor thing, in this line:
Why was I so afraid of scars?
I'd be tempted to change "scars" to "stars" to link back to your title.



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 Posted: Sat Aug 1st, 2020 03:48 am
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motis
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RainyDayMan wrote:
As a minor thing, in this line:
Why was I so afraid of scars?
I'd be tempted to change "scars" to "stars" to link back to your title.


Ha ha, you and I think alike a lot, it seems.

My songwriting partner wrote that verse (we each wrote about half the lyrics on this one), and I was tempted to say the same thing. . . but then after the first draft recording, I realized that you can't tell which word I'm singing anyway.



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