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MASempine
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Joined: Fri Jul 10th, 2020
Location: Bridgeport, Alabama USA
Posts: 239
Favorite Artist: Mac Davis, Ray Stevens,
I am a: Songwriter
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I thought I’d taken my last step
Without her love where could I go
With her I’d never want for help
Why leave me here she had to know

That I for one would miss her so

I watched her slowly slip away
She watched me try to walk alone
She tried to nudge me on my way
I turned around and she was gone

I didn’t get to say “Don’t go.”

If we could do that dance again
If I could lead but let her glide
I wonder if I’d see again
The smile she never tried to hide

The love that always made her glow

M.P. Dudash
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Joined: Mon Apr 24th, 2017
Location: Ohio USA
Posts: 1291
Favorite Artist: George Jones, Coe, Twitty, Paycheck, Gosdin, Daryle Singletary
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MASempine, the sentiment is there but for me it’s deep enough. I think you have a start but it needs more work.

MASempine
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Joined: Fri Jul 10th, 2020
Location: Bridgeport, Alabama USA
Posts: 239
Favorite Artist: Mac Davis, Ray Stevens,
I am a: Songwriter
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Oh it doesn’t need more work. I don’t write lyrics I write life and in this case death. Maybe it’s not a song but it’s finished

cmaja
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Joined: Fri Mar 22nd, 2019
Location: Kennewick, Washington USA
Posts: 1068
Favorite Artist: Eagles, Linda Ronstadt, Keith Urban, Billie Holiday, Metallica, Steely Dan
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This is nice, MAS... Simple AAA format. And it’s sweet! You could add a coda though:

I dream of her now and then
Dreams that have a loving flow
Her smile shine through in the end
As if she saying, “don’t go”

Charles

Last edited on Sat Jul 18th, 2020 05:53 pm by cmaja

MASempine
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Joined: Fri Jul 10th, 2020
Location: Bridgeport, Alabama USA
Posts: 239
Favorite Artist: Mac Davis, Ray Stevens,
I am a: Songwriter
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Cmaja. I like your coda idea. Maybe ending with it was time for me to Go.

I sang it for sound cloud. Used the single lines to make 3 different choruses. Could make a coda as discussed above

jdtaper
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Joined: Sun Dec 25th, 2016
Location: Milwaukee, USA
Posts: 343
Favorite Artist: Rascal Flatts, Keith Urban, Tim McGraw, Kenny Chesney, Garth Brooks
I am a: Singer/Songwriter
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This reminds me of "Hearts in Armor" by Trisha Yearwood. Both songs are filled with heartache and regret. Really nice.

MASempine
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Joined: Fri Jul 10th, 2020
Location: Bridgeport, Alabama USA
Posts: 239
Favorite Artist: Mac Davis, Ray Stevens,
I am a: Songwriter
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Thanks jdtaper


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