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Differences and diversities
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 Posted: Mon Jul 13th, 2020 06:24 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Hello again,

Andrea somekinda „forced“ me to post this one...she is a lovely lady isn’t she 😉😇!?
I‘m still working on it, but so far so good and ready for feedback...


Differences and diversities

Look up now and watch the rainbow
Bright shining colours at the sky
The pure variety of light
So beautiful you can’t deny
Now tell me how odd would it be
If we all would like the same things?
If all of us wear the same clothes
Pasta is all the waiter brings

Imagine we all would be blonde
We all would paint our houses grey
The same song loved by everyone
Rock music would be all they play
What if all of us need to learn
That we should follow the same beat
Don’t stand up while others sit down
Only roses grow from the seed

Differences and diversities
How sick and tired would we be
Differences and diversities
If there’d be no individuality
Differences and diversities
How senseless would this life be
If our road is already paved, but won’t set us free
If all the choices are already made for you and me

From what’s different we can learn
And by changes we keep finding ourselves
From what’s different we can learn
And soon everything will fall in place
From what’s different we could learn
But why are we still afraid
If we see a different coloured face?

Look up now and watch the rainbow
Bright shining colours at the sky
The pure variety of light
So beautiful you can’t deny

© by Ian P.
11.7.2020/5:48pm
W by Ian P.
for: VB

Last edited on Wed Jul 15th, 2020 03:21 pm by RainbowKeeper



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 Posted: Wed Jul 15th, 2020 06:53 am
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RainyDayMan
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It's a lovely message Ian. And "Differences and diversities" sums it nicely and also rolls off the tongue.

There's a few phrases that don't feel quite smooth to me, so you might consider:
Bright shining colours at the sky > Bright shining colours of the sky
If all of us wear the same clothes > If all of us wore the same clothes
Only roses grow from the seed > Only roses grew from seed
If there’d be no individuality > If there were no individuality
Imagine we all would be blonde > Imagine if we all were blonde

This one I would change to make it even more inclusive, not just color
If we see a different coloured face? > If we see a different face?

Pasta is all the waiter brings
Personally, that line feels weaker.

I didn't really get this part:
What if all of us need to learn
Theater should follow the same beat
Don’t stand up while others sit down
Only roses grow from the seed

It seems to say the opposite, that we should learn those things. Should those lines be phrased in the negative?



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 Posted: Wed Jul 15th, 2020 03:19 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Oha, thank you rdm!
I’ll work with your full feedback in a bit but you noticed a misspelling or better a mistake my cellphone made. Beurk....sometimes it’s not that simple if if you use more than one language 😅

What if all of us need to learn
That we should follow the same beat << that’s how I wrote it 😂
Don’t stand up while others sit down
Only roses grow from the seed

And yeah this was planned as a negativ image which ends in another picture for non-individuality and how boring it would get if there be only roses growing and no other flower. Same is with pasta. I wanted to include food... bread sounded a bit too boring and so I ve chosen pasta. It is also reminiscent .... and connected to myself, because there are times when I’m unable to eat anything but soft stuff. It’s because of my illness and that’s usually my pasta time....this is the time where I usually eat pasta for days...weeks sometimes, until I’m feeling better. I might say hey there are mashed potatoes and stuff, yeah there are but I’m not a big potato fan....



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 Posted: Wed Jul 15th, 2020 06:24 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Hey Owen,
I just had a closer look at your feedback.
I have to admit that your right about changing those lines because it’s not only the way they are done but also, in the way you put them, (more) right in the grammar sense. I understand why I did it and why I liked it the way I wrote it. You know it’s a typical problem if you got German as your native language, the if-sentences type III sound so....incorrect for us and when you talk a lot to English speaking ppl you notice that the often don’t care about those rules themselves. Well I’m still caught inbetween...but yeah yours definitely are the better lines. Still have a question about the rainbow line....why did you chose the preposition „of“ there?
Also I’m trying to rephrase the other lines so that the meaning I want to show will be easier to find out.
Thanks again!
Ian



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 Posted: Wed Jul 15th, 2020 06:34 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Please let me know if you think I approved... ty!

Differences and diversities

Look up now and watch the rainbow
Bright shining colours at the sky
The pure variety of light
So beautiful you can’t deny
Now tell me how odd would it be
If we all would like the same things?
If all of us wore the same clothes
Pasta is all the waiter brings

Imagine we all were blonde
We all would paint our houses grey
The same song loved by everyone
Rock music would be all they play
Should all of us now really learn
That we should follow the same beat?
Don’t stand up while others sit down?
No roses will grow from this seed

Differences and diversities
How sick and tired would we be
Differences and diversities
If there were no individuality
Differences and diversities
How senseless would this life be
If our road is already paved, but won’t set us free
If all the choices are already made for you and me

From what’s different we can learn
And by changes we keep finding ourselves
From what’s different we can learn
And soon everything will fall in place
From what’s different we could learn
But why are we still afraid
If we see a different face?

Look up now and watch the rainbow
Bright shining colours at the sky
The pure variety of light
So beautiful you can’t deny


© by Ian P.
11.7.2020/5:48pm
W by Ian P.
for: VB



____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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 Posted: Wed Jul 15th, 2020 11:43 pm
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RainyDayMan
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Definitely smoother,

and in this case also clearer:
Should all of us now really learn
shows it to be a hypothetical question rather than the prev "what if" which came across as a suggestion.

I would note that when listening, you won't hear the question marks, so the singer is going to need to convey that with their tone.

The English subjunctive tense is a bit of a beast, which is what you use when making conditional statements.
And I think you are right in saying many native speakers either don't get it right, or don't care a great deal.
Still I think your lyric is better for the changes.

In terms of the rainbow, which preposition to use depends on the meaning you are going for. If you are using "shining" as an active verb and the logical meaning is:
The rainbow is shining bright colors towards the sky
then "at" is correct, but you might phrase it:
Shining bright colors at the sky
to emphasize that.
"Bright shining" is typically an adjectival phrase so describing the rainbow. In that case the logical meaning would be:
The rainbow of bright shining colors that is part of the sky
in which case "of" or "in" is better.



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 Posted: Thu Jul 16th, 2020 12:51 am
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RainbowKeeper
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Hey there,
Thanks for the gramma help. It can be very confusing with the conditional phrases. Whenever I had to teach it, it’s a bit easier cause you have a line where you have to put in the right form where the ..... are. And I tortured my students as much as I was tortured by my teachers 😂 But if you try to put a text together.... woooza! In German this is the part where we use the „Konjunktiv“ (maybe-form) and that’s where we usually use the ö ä and ü.
Im still thinking about That preposition stuff. I know what you mean, but I guess I’m to tired to understand it atm. I will read it again tomorrow.
Yeah I’m almost happy with the „should“ line. Only thing that bothers me a little is that there are now two „should“ lines...but well
I hope the meaning...or as we say „die Aussage“ of the lyrics is understandable.
Once again thanks a lot for your help here!
RK



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Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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 Posted: Thu Jul 16th, 2020 09:37 pm
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Andrea
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Hi Ian, this is looking smoother for sure. I still think this could apply to an even broader range of biases, but this change is good:
But why are we still afraid
If we see a different face?

It's a very nice message :)



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