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Not My Life
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Mon Jul 6th, 2020 11:26 pm
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Plastic Believer
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Not My Life

[Spoken softly]
(Build me up
Shake me down
Call me honey
Take my crown)

[Sang from here - piano and vocal]

Tell me why I'm here
Help me to see clear
There's a feeling here
Not my life
Not my life

Feeling insecure
Hiding behind the door
Looking for precious hope
Praying somehow I'll cope

See me when I'm here
Come to me, stand near
There's a feeling here
Not my life
Not my life

Wake me up
Help me see
Wake me up
Yesterday

There's this dream I had
The other day
It went bad
Life slipped away from me
Into my reality

Is this really me?
Is this what I see?
Help me overcome
See what I have dome

Is this my life?
Is this my life?
Is this where I should be?

Is this my life?
Is this my life?
All that I see

Wake me up
I cannot sleep
Shake me down
I will not weep
Call me honey
Make me smile

© P J Davies
July 2020

Last edited on Mon Jul 6th, 2020 11:39 pm by Plastic Believer

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 Posted: Tue Jul 7th, 2020 10:42 am
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RainyDayMan
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I don't feel like the song has found it's core message yet, or if it has, it hasn't come across to me.

The emotion of insecurity comes thru, with that explicit line but also "Take my crown" and "Not my life" and others as well.

But beyond that, I'm not sure how I am supposed to feel about the singer or the situation.

The structure looks sound and very singable so the framework is there.

What is it you want the listener to feel, think or experience having listened to your song?



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 Posted: Tue Jul 7th, 2020 11:04 am
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Plastic Believer
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RainyDayMan wrote:
I don't feel like the song has found it's core message yet, or if it has, it hasn't come across to me.

The emotion of insecurity comes thru, with that explicit line but also "Take my crown" and "Not my life" and others as well.

But beyond that, I'm not sure how I am supposed to feel about the singer or the situation.

The structure looks sound and very singable so the framework is there.

What is it you want the listener to feel, think or experience having listened to your song?


Thank you for the feedback. At least the structure looks good, I'm a bit rusty!

I think I want to put across that feeling of insecurity that you picked up on, not feeling comfortable in your own skin sort of thing, as for the feeling of the listener, I don't think it's pity just more of an understanding of what the person feels but I will think on that and adjust accordingly.

Thank you again

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 Posted: Tue Jul 7th, 2020 11:08 am
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RainyDayMan
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Hopefully you'll get other feedback as well - different people pick up different things - they are all just opinions. Filter them all thru your own sense of what will make the song more what you want it to be.



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 Posted: Tue Jul 7th, 2020 08:19 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Hey there,
Mhh... I do like the style you have. But I also have to agree with RDM at least partly. I think I know what you want to describe but there is a point where you lose me. I think it starts when you start talking about the dream you had...don’t get me wrong I think I know what you want to say...like a nightmare became your reality but this part somehow...mhh doesn’t quiet fit in for me. To me that would be a topic for another song. And you said „a dream I had“....and later you say „wake me up...“ just made me frown.
There is also one line I personally would change a little, and that is:
Come to me, stand near.... I’d change that to standing near/and stand near/please stand near...something like that. To me it would help the flow.
But yeah the way you write, minimalistic and connected is very good and it’s a topic I can relate to, I’d try and work the corners round and that’s it!

Yours
RK



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 Posted: Wed Jul 8th, 2020 08:58 am
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Plastic Believer
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RainbowKeeper wrote:
Hey there,
Mhh... I do like the style you have. But I also have to agree with RDM at least partly. I think I know what you want to describe but there is a point where you lose me. I think it starts when you start talking about the dream you had...don’t get me wrong I think I know what you want to say...like a nightmare became your reality but this part somehow...mhh doesn’t quiet fit in for me. To me that would be a topic for another song. And you said „a dream I had“....and later you say „wake me up...“ just made me frown.
There is also one line I personally would change a little, and that is:
Come to me, stand near.... I’d change that to standing near/and stand near/please stand near...something like that. To me it would help the flow.
But yeah the way you write, minimalistic and connected is very good and it’s a topic I can relate to, I’d try and work the corners round and that’s it!

Yours
RK


Hi and thank you, as it happens I sat down yesterday and decided the dream part should be another song. I have changed several things and when I am finished a bit more will post again on here.

I have also added some clarity, I think, to the meaning in fact using my reply to RDM about not feeling sure in your own skin

Thanks again

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 Posted: Mon Jul 13th, 2020 08:40 am
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Plastic Believer
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Thank you all for the feedback so far. I have been working on it again. I still think there's something missing but I'm not sure what.

_______________

Not My Life

[Spoken softly]
(Build me up
Shake me down
But please don't
Take my crown)

[Sang from here - piano and vocal]

Tell me why I'm here
Help me to see clear
I'm failing
And I fear
Not my life
Not my life

Feeling insecure
Search behind each door
What am I looking for
I'm not even sure

Please understand
That I need to land
On my feet again
Off my knees again

Tell me am I near?
There's a feeling here
Not my life
Not my life

Please don't pity me
But try to see
Where do I begin?
Am I in my skin?

I try to be me
Then I start to see
The reality
The reality

When I look around
The smiles that surround
Finally reveal
This is my life
This is my life

I'm in my skin
Lying on the ground
But on my head
Still sits my crown

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 Posted: Mon Jul 13th, 2020 06:37 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Very good! I really do like what I read, you broke it down to even more „simplicity“!

I‘m a bit unsure about 2 lines:
a)
I'm failing
And I fear << and am scared or: I’m scared ...would fit better from my personal view

b)
But try to see
Where do I begin? << mhh I‘m still thinking about that...maybe: and help me see... dunno just my personal feeling.

Besides this I’d come up with a more „wordy“ part in the center...a climax.
Maybe add the emotions you have and their synonyms in line to speed and brush the whole thing up? I can almost „hear“ it already. But it’s yours and all I can give are ideas... 😉

All in all, like I said...I do like it!
Yours RK



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Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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 Posted: Mon Jul 13th, 2020 07:49 pm
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Andrea
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I have been reading this as it evolves. The feelings come through very nicely. I think you have made some nice improvements in this version. The thoughts are more cohesive with a connected movement. In my opinion there are still a couple lines that are too general and do not lend to the meaning well. Maybe that is ok, but they may be worth a look.

Tell me am I near?
There's a feeling here >-this line feels weak: Maybe something more concrete. Just ideas off my head, floorboards disappear, is the high ground near?
Not my life
Not my life


Please don't pity me
But try to see
Where do I begin? - this line doesn't fit for me: food for thought - the turmoil/confusion within.
Am I in my skin?


I think this verse as a whole could be better. There are a lot of words that rhyme with me: anything ending in ly (ie honestly, fairly, genuinely...), or ity (reality, sincerity, quality...). Maybe you want to use the idea of seeing, they try to see, you start seeing - not sure if that is something you want.

Feeling insecure
Search behind each door - searching behind each door

I hope you can find something here that may help :)



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 Posted: Tue Jul 14th, 2020 06:23 am
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Plastic Believer
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Thank you both I really appreciate the feedback. I am pleased with the direction it is is going but still think something is missing your kind thoughts will no doubt help. Thank you again

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