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| Posted: Tue Jun 30th, 2020 09:25 pm |
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Andrea
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I started working on this, and like where it is going. But, I would like some feedback and other ideas. The beginning gives an idea of where it is going. The you will see there are a bunch of ideas. I would like to know which ones people like the most, and/or other ideas I could use that would be better.
You are the sun in the sky
tears in my eyes
you know you have me twisted
You are the kiss on my lips
lunar eclipse
you know you have me twisted
You say you love me today
promise you'll stay
come morning your in the wind
Chorus
Damn it boy, you have me twisted
my insides are out
all my beliefs are now doubts
I love you too much
How I wish you never existed
Damn it boy, you have me twisted
You are my warm sandy beach
blood sucking leech
You know you have me twisted
You are breeze through my sails
gutted entrails
you know you have me twisted
You are my breath of fresh air
recurring nightmare (too many syllables)
you know you have me twisted
You are my life saving prayer
electric chair
you know you have me twisted
you're my security vault
San Andreas Fault
you know you have me twisted
You are the bird in the cage
Rockstar on stage
you know you have me twisted
All ideas and feedback are welcome. Thanks!
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| Posted: Tue Jun 30th, 2020 10:36 pm |
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RainbowKeeper
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Uff sugary sugar...this is a nice one and I like the idea of the flipping it around. You got some very good and clever ideas here.
What got my attention is:
You are the kiss on my lips
lunar eclipse<<< I didn’t quiet get this. Thinking of a better possibility
recurring nightmare<<< maybe just „endless nightmare“ ?
You say you love me today
promise you'll stay
come morning your in the wind. << I see your problem with the rhyme here, but it’s the only ending line that is not like the others. I’d say a) change the verse or b) find a part in the second part of the song where you can change the last line of a verse too.
I like how you continue the songs concept in the chorus but the line: I love you too much...is a bit to much out of the frame for me personally. I’d chose: lovED you too much...(without the I) or...mhh I dunno maybe comparing love to fooling around to stick to the „twisted“. Let me think about this if you like.
all my beliefs are now doubts << so easy but a brilliant line u got there.
You are my life saving prayer
electric chair
you know you have me twisted
you're my security vault
San Andreas Fault
you know you have me twisted
You are the bird in the cage
Rockstar on stage
you know you have me twisted
<<< these 3 are very great. Your „twisted“ images get better and better too the end.
Hope I was helpful
RK
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| Posted: Tue Jun 30th, 2020 11:38 pm |
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Andrea
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Thank you RK. Yes, you are very helpful. I did intentionally not rhyme on that one line - lol. It may not work out, but I sometimes like a non rhyming ending.
The lips/ eclipse just came to my brain, so I wrote it down. They don't really go together, but I loved eclipse, so I included it.
In the song the "relationship has not ended, so loved doesn't fit. I hope to add a bridge or ending, but haven't gotten there yet.
I doubt I will need as many couplets as I have written, so if some don't work I will eliminate them first. If someone offers me a better idea, I'll use that. So, yes, keep thinking! I will tweak and cut words as needed too. Enjoy, Andrea
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| Posted: Tue Jun 30th, 2020 11:55 pm |
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RainbowKeeper
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Ahh ok I understand that the relationship is still „active“. Mhh you know it’s the strongest line you could have written there but somehow...dunno how to explain it...sorry
The other rhyme-topic: I think you misunderstood me there. It’s more that this line which is different seems to cut out of the frame, that’s why I’d put a line like that in part two too.
And yeah I’d take your first lines and the last 3 parts and work around it with a bridge or something. That would be my idea.
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| Posted: Wed Jul 1st, 2020 12:01 am |
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Andrea
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RainbowKeeper wrote:
Ahh ok I understand that the relationship is still „active“. Mhh you know it’s the strongest line you could have written there but somehow...dunno how to explain it...sorry
The other rhyme-topic: I think you misunderstood me there. It’s more that this line which is different seems to cut out of the frame, that’s why I’d put a line like that in part two too.
And yeah I’d take your first lines and the last 3 parts and work around it with a bridge or something. That would be my idea.
I will hold off on the relationship part, because I actually do not know how this will end yet. Probably not good- lol
The ono -rhyming line if a bit out of synch. I will think on this more. Thank you for your help 
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| Posted: Thu Jul 2nd, 2020 09:44 pm |
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RainbowKeeper
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Always a pleasure giving you fb
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| Posted: Fri Jul 3rd, 2020 10:57 am |
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RainyDayMan
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I like the contrasts.
The first one (tears in my eyes) is less so. As I first read it, I took the tears to be from the sun so perhaps a positive thing. Was that intentionally ambiguous?
For me, "twisted" implied "around your finger" so there may be room to explicitly reference that somewhere.
'all my beliefs are now doubts" is a strong line.
I liked:
blood sucking leech
recurring nightmare
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| Posted: Fri Jul 3rd, 2020 09:16 pm |
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ASecretMeaning
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Andrea, I see I can learn a lot from you!
I'm not sure I can add much, but instead of
"You are the kiss on my lips
lunar eclipse"
You could try
You are the kiss on my lips
Poisonous sips"
"Recurring nightmare" you have noted as too many syllables, but depending on the music and the phrasing I think it could work.
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| Posted: Fri Jul 3rd, 2020 10:40 pm |
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Andrea
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RainyDayMan wrote:
I like the contrasts.
The first one (tears in my eyes) is less so. As I first read it, I took the tears to be from the sun so perhaps a positive thing. Was that intentionally ambiguous?
For me, "twisted" implied "around your finger" so there may be room to explicitly reference that somewhere.
'all my beliefs are now doubts" is a strong line.
I liked:
blood sucking leech
recurring nightmare
Thank RDM for you comments and feedback. I was thinking about the sun bringing tears to the eyes. I did not see that as positive. Maybe that one may not work if other people do.
The twisted is supposed to me she loves parts him, but other parts not so much - she is torn in her feelings. I like the twisted around the finger meaning. It fits
Yeah a vote for blood sucking leech!
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Andrea
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ASecretMeaning wrote:
Andrea, I see I can learn a lot from you!
I'm not sure I can add much, but instead of
"You are the kiss on my lips
lunar eclipse"
You could try
You are the kiss on my lips
Poisonous sips"
"Recurring nightmare" you have noted as too many syllables, but depending on the music and the phrasing I think it could work.
Thank you ASM for your positive words! Thanks also for your idea for kiss on the lips. I will keep it as an option. I agree, recurring nightmare could possibly work. I think I will try to keep it.
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RainbowKeeper
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Heya,
Somehow my brain continued working on your „twisted“ word pairs....thank you 🙄....😂 But Thought about the usual: fire-ice, cold-hot and all that but I also thought about pairs I haven’t heared often. Plants-desert, sweet-sour,
Modern-old fashioned... maybe that gives you fresh ideas to work with....
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Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
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Andrea
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Sorry RK, hope you managed to get some sleep last night. I like your ideas. I am working on these lyrics right now
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Andrea
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I have written a completed version of these lyrics. Please see "Twisted" in the lyrics lounge. I am looking for any and all feedback to help me improve what I have. Thanks
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