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RainbowKeeper
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Somehow it came to me again, and I dunno but somehow this one was a real surprise, cause I didn’t know where I was going...but this here is what came out of it. Dunno if I’m happy with it or not. But feel free to give FB and comments.
RK

Writing (paper is patient)

Maybe I deserve all of it. A‘
All this madness all these tears
Maybe I will never make it
I‘m struggling with shadows and fears
Try to write the sky clear again
Searching for words searching for rhymes
To get it out of my system
It helps me through the troubled times

Language, idioms, figure of speech. A+
I‘m wondering what will be revealed
Words are my spear and my mirror
They are my blanket and my shield
But no games and no gloss-over
Cause honesty is the real key
Else would be self-deception
And that way sure won’t set you free

Paper is patient B
Paper doesn’t blush
Paper is patient
Writing is what makes me whole
Paper is patient
Paper doesn’t blush
Paper is patient
Writing helps my self-controle
Paper is patient
Yes it doesn’t blush
But I tell you some words
Are tattooed on my soul

I hope my ink won’t dry out. C
I hope my hands won’t break
I hope my ink won’t dry out
I hope I’m able to write whenever I’m awake
I hope my ink won’t dry out
I hope my hands won’t break
I hope my ink won’t dry out
Get your innerst out can’t be a mistake


But no games and no gloss-over. A*
Cause honesty is the real key
Else would be self-deception
And that way sure won’t set you free

© by Ian P.
17.06.2020
W by Ian P.
for: VB

Last edited on Thu Jun 18th, 2020 01:52 am by RainbowKeeper

RainyDayMan
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I like it RK, I think it hangs together.

Your first verse (A`) is fairly long. Feels like you might want a change after that, so I would suggest putting B next. I would convert that into a chorus to be repeated in the song, and shorten it to allow that to happen. More like:
Paper is patient B
Paper doesn’t blush
Writing helps my self-control
Paper is patient
Yes it doesn’t blush
But I tell you some words
Are tattooed on my soul

Then your A+ section, chorus, C then finish on the chorus.

Your A* ending seems disconnected from the rest of the song. Emotionally it may resonate but in terms of the paper metaphor it's out there on its own. I would remove it.

As a minor thing, in your first line you might try:
Maybe I deserve all of this > Maybe I deserve all of it
because you haven't introduced anything yet, so "this" is out of context - but no biggie here.

RainbowKeeper
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Thanks rdm!
„This“ was a great observation! I didn’t even think about it. But like I said it got me and I let it „flow“ wherever it wanted to go.
I’ll check on your other points later on. It’s 1:27 am and I have had only 4-5 hours of sleep last night.
Ty again for your feedback!

RainbowKeeper
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Ah well can’t sleep again, slight migraine and back pain...but yeah I see your point. I usually write just all the text down not thinking a lot about the structure it will have when I add my music. There will be (of cause) changes in the structure and maybe also in words. The way you would put it seems as the best possible way to do it. I totally agree. About the A*- part....mhh you may be right but I’m not sure yet. Somehow i think that a repetition would be good, but as I say nothing about the structure is put in stone yet.

Tyvm for your thoughts!

RainyDayMan
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Cool. No problem. I agree it's best to make those decisions when you have music to frame it against.

Andrea
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Hi RK, this one feels like you wrote it for yourself and about yourself. Writing as therapy - it makes a lot of sense and I like it. I am not sure I connect with 'paper doesn't blush'. Maybe, it doesn't judge? Not sure.

I agree with RDM, the chorus would fit nicely between A and A+

RainbowKeeper
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Hey Andrea,
Thanks for your feedback! Judge is a perfect idea as a change for the doubled line! Thank you! Didn’t even think of this rhyme. The line paper doesn’t blush ...well in fact I have chosen a German Idiom and looked it up in an English idioms book. I found the blush line added to the patient line saying, that the meaning is the same. So I took both lines and constructed my B out of it. But you can be sure that I’ll keep your idea in mind if I’m going to work on this piece later on!

Tysm
RK

Andrea
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When I think of the word blush, I think embarrassment or shame. That kind of works, but seems a little odd. I think most people will think this definition when they read that word.

RainbowKeeper
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Well sometimes it seems to be better if I just say: Papier ist geduldig! 😉


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