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We’re More Together When We’re Apart
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 Posted: Fri Jun 12th, 2020 01:29 am
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cmaja
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We’re More Together When We’re Apart

Verse 1:
We fight, we yell, we give each other hell
We used to be the ideal team
Can our romance still move along
Is our love affair just a dream
Can we keep our relationship strong
When we are together, it’s not for long

Chorus:
I had to get away, I don’t know why
The further I stray, the more I cry
Wherever I go, your love grows in my heart
Every face I see reminds me of you
Every mile I drive bring me back to you
Seems we’re more together when we’re apart

Verse 2:
We laughed, we cried, we felt so good inside
We used to be the best of friends
We danced though life just like a song
Was our love affair doomed to end
Did our relationship turn out wrong
When we are together, it’s not for long

Chorus:
I had to get away, I don’t know why
The further I stray, the more I cry
Wherever I go, your love grows in my heart
Every face I see reminds me of you
Every mile I drive brings me back to you
Seems we’re more together when we’re apart

Bridge:
Did you read my message of apology
I look in my heart, it’s only you I see
I’m half a day away, please call me to come home
On this lonely road, knowing I can’t live alone
I see your chestnut hair, gray eyes before my face
Can we make amends, I pray it’s not too late

Chorus:
I had to get away, I don’t know why
The further I stray, the more I cry
Wherever I go, your love grows in my heart
Every face I see reminds me of you
Every mile I drive brings me back to you
Seems we’re more together when we’re apart

(Instrumental break)

Coda:
We won’t always agree
Take all the space you need
Together or apart
Your love make me complete

© 2020 Charles M Anderson

Last edited on Sat Jul 11th, 2020 01:30 am by cmaja



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 Posted: Fri Jun 12th, 2020 11:49 pm
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RainyDayMan
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Great chorus Charles! The song really came alive for me at that point, and I started hearing imaginary music for it.
Given there are 6 lines you might consider using an A,A,B,C,C,B rhyme scheme, so:
I had to get away, I don’t know why
The further I stray, the more I cry
Wherever I go, your love grows in my heart
Every face I see, reminds me of you
Every mile I drive, tells me we’re not through
Seems we’re more together when we’re apart


If you choose not to do that here, you might do similar at the bridge, though I probably wouldn't do them both the same.

V1, L1 felt like there was an opportunity to build an internal rhyme, so:
We fight, we yell, we give each other hell
And if you do, then you'll need to consider what to do at the same spot in v2

V1, L4 "Or's our" will be slightly awkward to sing.
I think you could use "Is our" and imply the "or" there.

Feels like it should have a bouncy, rollicking tune to go with it.

Good write!



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 Posted: Sat Jun 13th, 2020 04:04 am
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cmaja
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Thanks, RD Man... I like your idea about the chorus and changed it accordingly. The inner rhymes in the verses first lines were another great suggestion; so I changed those too. I had to change the third lines to rhyme with the last two lines of the verses. But all the changes gave the verses a little more punch. Thanks a bunch.

Charles



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 Posted: Sat Jun 13th, 2020 04:11 am
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RainyDayMan
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Cool! :)



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 Posted: Fri Jul 10th, 2020 10:51 pm
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MASempine
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I think it's written well enough. I just don't quite think the point is really made. I know, I know. It's a song.

Every mile I drive tells me we're not through. There seems to be a disconnect there.. You're reverse logic (which is solid otherwise) would seem to be saying "Every mile I drives brings me back to you" or "brings you closer to you."



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 Posted: Fri Jul 10th, 2020 10:52 pm
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MASempine
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"you closer to me" it should be. My reverse logic reversed in mid shift I think



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 Posted: Sat Jul 11th, 2020 01:33 am
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cmaja
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MASempine wrote:
I think it's written well enough. I just don't quite think the point is really made. I know, I know. It's a song.

Every mile I drive tells me we're not through. There seems to be a disconnect there.. You're reverse logic (which is solid otherwise) would seem to be saying "Every mile I drives brings me back to you" or "brings you closer to you."


Thanks, MAS, for your review and suggestion. I like, "Every mile I drives brings me back to you.” I changed it. Keep you reviews coming...

Charles



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