The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters Home 

Welcome to The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters!
Please log on to view our discussion forum in its entirety.

She’s Through With Me
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
 Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Tue Jun 9th, 2020 04:28 am
  PMQuoteReply
1st Post
cmaja
Member


Joined: Fri Mar 22nd, 2019
Location: Kennewick, Washington USA
Posts: 906
Favorite Artist: Eagles, Linda Ronstadt, Keith Urban, Billie Holiday, Metallica, Steely Dan
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Had this one hanging around for a few months. If this were a dance it’d be a paso doble. CMA

She’s Through With Me

Verse 1:
She says she’ll call the cops and have me removed
Maybe they can cuff my heart instead
I say go ahead, see how that works out for you
Since our hearts are mostly patched of thread

Verse 2:
She asks, so why did I get hooked up with you
Maybe we can trade love for a whim
I say I think we should have the memories removed
Since our love is dangling on a limb

Chorus:
We’re in the typical situation
When two lovers disagree
But there is salvation
Love’s more than can be seen
She always says she’ll do with me
Though she says she’s through with me

Verse 3:
She says I think our relationship is through
Maybe we can somehow just be friends
I say is friendship something you think we should pursue
Since our minds look forward to an end

Chorus:
We’re in the typical situation
When two lovers disagree
But there is salvation
Love’s more than can be seen
She always says she’ll do with me
Though she says she’s through with me

Bridge:
We worked together through the years
We met bad weather without fears
We made life better through amends
We’ve always been the best of friends, but

Chorus:
We’re in the typical situation
When two lovers disagree
But there is salvation
Love’s more than can be seen
She always says she’ll do with me
Though she says she’s through with me

Post Chorus:
One day she’s says she’ll do with me
The next she says she’s through with me
What will she ever do with me...

© 2020 Charles M Anderson

Last edited on Thu Jun 18th, 2020 12:58 am by cmaja



____________________
All songs are from God. Those that are not, aren’t songs at all.
Back To Top 


 Posted: Tue Jun 9th, 2020 03:27 pm
  PMQuoteReply
2nd Post
The Big Gundown
Member


Joined: Wed May 6th, 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 73
Favorite Artist: Nick Cave, Henry Mancini, The Cramps, John Zorn etc.
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
I like the couplet:

One day she says she’ll do with me,
The next she says she’s through with me

But maybe get rid of the "me's":

One day she tells me I'll do
The next day she says we're through

And the chorus is wayyyyyyyyy too long. I'd focus on that couplet as your main hook.

In another post I brought up clichés or overused lines. In your chorus you use tears and fears, rain and pain. Like dude c'mon please I'm sure you can do a bit better here. Also be careful of 3 syllable words in choruses, it is super difficult to sing "inclement" or "turbulent" and keep a proper rhythm.

I also have an issue with your first line. I don't think you should introduce your main character as an alleged domestic abuser unless you want to continue that theme. I know you like the "cuff my heart" line but any connotations of spousal abuse is pretty uncool even in a country song.

Back To Top


 Posted: Tue Jun 9th, 2020 04:23 pm
  PMQuoteReply
3rd Post
cmaja
Member


Joined: Fri Mar 22nd, 2019
Location: Kennewick, Washington USA
Posts: 906
Favorite Artist: Eagles, Linda Ronstadt, Keith Urban, Billie Holiday, Metallica, Steely Dan
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
The Big Gundown wrote:
I like the couplet:

One day she says she’ll do with me,
The next she says she’s through with me

But maybe get rid of the "me's":

One day she tells me I'll do
The next day she says we're through

And the chorus is wayyyyyyyyy too long. I'd focus on that couplet as your main hook.

In another post I brought up clichés or overused lines. In your chorus you use tears and fears, rain and pain. Like dude c'mon please I'm sure you can do a bit better here. Also be careful of 3 syllable words in choruses, it is super difficult to sing "inclement" or "turbulent" and keep a proper rhythm.

I also have an issue with your first line. I don't think you should introduce your main character as an alleged domestic abuser unless you want to continue that theme. I know you like the "cuff my heart" line but any connotations of spousal abuse is pretty uncool even in a country song.


Thanks, Big GD, for your review and suggestions.

1. Getting rid of “me” would mess up the last line in the coda.

2. I’m thinking dropping one line in the chorus.

3. Maybe your right about fears, tears, pain and rain.

4. Syllables: I’ve used five syllable words. But “inclement and turbulent” are kinda unusual and maybe hard to sing.

5. The first line is all emotion. If there was abuse going on she woulda never said that line for fear of abuse. I wrote a lyric about abuse, “Follow Your Mind,” which is quite different than this. This is a lovers’ spat.

Charles



____________________
All songs are from God. Those that are not, aren’t songs at all.
Back To Top 


 Posted: Tue Jun 9th, 2020 05:47 pm
  PMQuoteReply
4th Post
The Big Gundown
Member


Joined: Wed May 6th, 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 73
Favorite Artist: Nick Cave, Henry Mancini, The Cramps, John Zorn etc.
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
cmaja wrote:
1. Getting rid of “me” would mess up the last line in the coda

2. I’m thinking dropping one line in the chorus.

3. Maybe your right about fears, tears, pain and rain.

4. Syllables: I’ve used five syllable words. But “inclement and turbulent” are kinda unusual and maybe hard to sing.

5. The first line is all emotion. If there was abuse going on she woulda never said that line for fear of abuse. I wrote a lyric about abuse, “Follow Your Mind,” which is quite different than this. This is a lovers’ spat.


1. Change the coda or get rid of it. Not sure why people even use them. Less is more many times.

2. A chorus works best as four lines with the fourth line being the hook. Again less is more.

3. Yes, I am lol

4. It doesn't matter that you've used 8 syllable words, they're just hard to sing in rhythm. They can work though, just try to talk them out to see if they keep a proper meter. Yes, less is more...

5. I would try to make it more obvious that this is more about a quarrel than someone going to jail.

Back To Top


 Posted: Wed Jun 10th, 2020 12:03 am
  PMQuoteReply
5th Post
cmaja
Member


Joined: Fri Mar 22nd, 2019
Location: Kennewick, Washington USA
Posts: 906
Favorite Artist: Eagles, Linda Ronstadt, Keith Urban, Billie Holiday, Metallica, Steely Dan
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Okay, Big GD,
1. I rewrote the chorus, six lines. I’ve written lyrics to songs with 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 line choruses.. Reducing to four lines is unnecessary. If the composer or singer want to change it, fine.
2. I had to rewrite the bridge so it wouldn’t clash with the chorus.
3. Codas and post choruses are common. The composer/singer can drop it.
4. The first line is a far cry from going to jail. The cops would laugh. It stays.

Thanks for your input. It was really helpful.



____________________
All songs are from God. Those that are not, aren’t songs at all.
Back To Top 


 Posted: Wed Jun 10th, 2020 12:23 am
  PMQuoteReply
6th Post
The Big Gundown
Member


Joined: Wed May 6th, 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 73
Favorite Artist: Nick Cave, Henry Mancini, The Cramps, John Zorn etc.
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
I'm glad to be a help, I think it's a much better read. Most songs, as you know, need to rewritten and then rewritten and then...the stuff we disagree on is more to personal taste so not a big deal.

Cheers

Back To Top


 Posted: Thu Jun 11th, 2020 01:28 am
  PMQuoteReply
7th Post
cmaja
Member


Joined: Fri Mar 22nd, 2019
Location: Kennewick, Washington USA
Posts: 906
Favorite Artist: Eagles, Linda Ronstadt, Keith Urban, Billie Holiday, Metallica, Steely Dan
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
The Big Gundown wrote:
I'm glad to be a help, I think it's a much better read. Most songs, as you know, need to rewritten and then rewritten and then...the stuff we disagree on is more to personal taste so not a big deal.

Cheers


You helped me turn this lyric around. That’s what is most important. Thanks, once again.

Charles



____________________
All songs are from God. Those that are not, aren’t songs at all.
Back To Top 


 Posted: Wed Jun 17th, 2020 05:26 pm
  PMQuoteReply
8th Post
Andrea
Moderator
 

Joined: Tue Nov 27th, 2018
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York USA
Posts: 1353
Favorite Artist: Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Hi Charles, I see you have already been working hard on this. I guess I am coming in a little late. Anyway, I like 'lovers spat' theme. I get the picture the love is not strong and maybe they are better apart: "Since our hearts are mostly patched of thread", "Since our love is dangling on a limb" and "Since our minds look forward to an end", but at other points it feels unbreakable and the words being said are not so fierce (the bridge and chorus). I guess I feel I am getting two different pictures that are a little too different to put together. It may just be my take. Maybe I am reading too closely :(

I agree with The Big G, avoid clichés if possible. I would consider changing "love is the key".



____________________
Andrea
Back To Top


 Posted: Wed Jun 17th, 2020 10:47 pm
  PMQuoteReply
9th Post
cmaja
Member


Joined: Fri Mar 22nd, 2019
Location: Kennewick, Washington USA
Posts: 906
Favorite Artist: Eagles, Linda Ronstadt, Keith Urban, Billie Holiday, Metallica, Steely Dan
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Andrea wrote:
Hi Charles, I see you have already been working hard on this. I guess I am coming in a little late. Anyway, I like 'lovers spat' theme. I get the picture the love is not strong and maybe they are better apart: "Since our hearts are mostly patched of thread", "Since our love is dangling on a limb" and "Since our minds look forward to an end", but at other points it feels unbreakable and the words being said are not so fierce (the bridge and chorus). I guess I feel I am getting two different pictures that are a little too different to put together. It may just be my take. Maybe I am reading too closely :(

I agree with The Big G, avoid clichés if possible. I would consider changing "love is the key".


Thanks for your review, Andrea. Sometimes love is difficult to put together. You know how your heart feels and it aches wishing things were better, but they’re not. And one can look at that on a micro or macro scale. Your suppose to get two different pictures. “Love is the key” —I need to look at that. I think you’re right.

Charles



____________________
All songs are from God. Those that are not, aren’t songs at all.
Back To Top 


 Posted: Wed Jun 17th, 2020 11:23 pm
  PMQuoteReply
10th Post
Andrea
Moderator
 

Joined: Tue Nov 27th, 2018
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York USA
Posts: 1353
Favorite Artist: Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
I think you are right the micro/macro perspective. That was exactly what was going through my mind when I was trying to right my review, but couldn't put it into words.



____________________
Andrea
Back To Top


Current time is 09:26 pm

Top



UltraBB 1.172 Copyright © 2007-2016 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1936 seconds (22% database + 78% PHP). 30 queries executed.