 |
| Posted: Mon Jun 8th, 2020 01:29 pm |
|
1st Post |
NathanJB
Member
| Joined: | Mon May 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 17 |
| Favorite Artist: | | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
A LAMB UNTO YOU
I
You are a Shepherd
With whom all needs are covered
You will forever
Herd your sheep that wander
In you is the true
All else are pretenders For You know me better
Than I’ll ever discover
Chorus
Where You walk
I will too
What You say
I will do
Whatever path You choose
I’ll be a LAMB UNTO YOU
II
In the night you come closer
In times of stormy weather
I won't be alone
With You my fears are over
You will be my guise
so hat your will is done
with you on my side
the war's already won
Coda
And I'll praise Your name
In Your kingdom
On judgment dayLast edited on Tue Jul 21st, 2020 02:36 pm by NathanJB
____________________
Nathanael J. B.
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Wed Jun 10th, 2020 12:33 am |
|
2nd Post |
RainbowKeeper
Contributor
| Joined: | Fri Feb 14th, 2020 |
| Location: | Germany |
| Posts: | 359 |
| Favorite Artist: | | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Heya,
Ok here is what I think:
A LAMB UNTO YOU
I
You are a Shepherd
With whom all needs are covered
You will forever
Keep your sheep from wander << very nice verse!
You speak in ways that
Differs you from imposters
You know me better
Than I’ll ever discover
<< I like the image you create with the first lines, but I’d be careful with words like „imposter“ in a song, specially if it’s at the end of a line. The second part is really genius! My fave line in the whole piece!
Chorus
Where you walk
I will too
What you do
I will do
I will trust you
In the pastures you choose
I’ll be a LAMB UNTO YOU
<< I’d change the one line: what you do.... into: what you say/ what you ask me too...or: answer it with: I will praise
II
You come a little closer
In times of stormy weather
I’m never alone
With you my fears are over
You remove all
The obstacles I can’t jump over
You clear my routes
And keep me secure from danger
<< same as I Said above with the word „obstacles“ for a singer words like that are always difficult. And I think this line is maybe a good chance to express a double meaning...thinking about a word, instead of obstacles, that means the same but not only physical, also mental. Mhhhh...
Coda
I’ll stay in your house
Until my last day
Finally: I like your pure character of writing! I like the style of the lines are connected. Sometimes you use simple words that sound good if you speak it, but can be tricky for melody and singing. I, myself am a fan of double meanings of a line or even only one word, that can be a very powerful way of writing. Specially when it’s only one line and the rest is pure written. So I’d encourage you to find those words and build such lines. Only because it can give the whole thing a little bit more „spice“. I guess you know what I mean, and it is (of cause) no must, just an idea of mine.
Ty for those lyrics!
RKLast edited on Wed Jun 10th, 2020 12:34 am by RainbowKeeper
____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Thu Jun 18th, 2020 10:30 am |
|
3rd Post |
NathanJB
Member
| Joined: | Mon May 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 17 |
| Favorite Artist: | | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Finally: I like your pure character of writing! I like the style of the lines are connected. Sometimes you use simple words that sound good if you speak it, but can be tricky for melody and singing. I, myself am a fan of double meanings of a line or even only one word, that can be a very powerful way of writing. Specially when it’s only one line and the rest is pure written. So I’d encourage you to find those words and build such lines. Only because it can give the whole thing a little bit more „spice“. I guess you know what I mean, and it is (of cause) no must, just an idea of mine.
Ty for those lyrics!
RK
Hi RK. Here is the edited version. I do appreciate your feedback and input. Thank you for opening my eyes on those words that don’t sound beautiful when we sing them. I tried “Pretenders ” and ”Blocks”. I think they might be a little more singable. Nevertheless, I will keep that mindset when writing. I also wrote it with the heart of king David in mind. So you can think of this character as king David.
Last edited on Thu Jun 18th, 2020 10:40 am by NathanJB
____________________
Nathanael J. B.
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 19th, 2020 04:49 pm |
|
4th Post |
cmaja
Member
| Joined: | Fri Mar 22nd, 2019 |
| Location: | Kennewick, Washington USA |
| Posts: | 911 |
| Favorite Artist: | Eagles, Linda Ronstadt, Keith Urban, Billie Holiday, Metallica, Steely Dan | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
This is pretty sweet, Nathan... Good job overall. Few suggestions as follows:
1. V1, last line: Keep your sheep from wander, try: Herd your sheep that wander. It a natural tendency to wander, sheep or men. Even as water flows downstream.
2. Chorus: you have where and what in lines 1 and 3. You should keep that going in line 5. Perhaps: ‘Whatever path You choose’ or ‘What You want me to pursue’. Makes line 5 fit a little better with line 6.
3. V2, line 3: I’m never alone, try: ‘I won’t be alone’ or ‘I’ll never be alone’. Line 5: change remove to reduce. Blockage is good, it builds character. Line 6: drop the ‘Of’. Line 8: change secure to safe.
4. Capitalize all references to our Lord —‘you’ should be ‘You’.
Charles
____________________
All songs are from God. Those that are not, aren’t songs at all.
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Sun Jun 21st, 2020 06:10 pm |
|
5th Post |
JAPOV
Member
| Joined: | Mon Jul 17th, 2017 |
| Location: | Alabama USA |
| Posts: | 294 |
| Favorite Artist: | | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Online
|
|
Just some thoughts... 
You freely provide
And promise forever
You're voice is my guide
So I may not wander
In You is the truth
All else are pretenders
A source of wisdom
For me to discover
Where You walk
I will too
What You say
I will do
My eternal shepherd
I'm a child unto You
You call me closer
When weather is stormy
Your Spirit is calm
When fear tries to test me
You will clear my path
So that Your will is done
No obstacle stands
War is already won
And I'll praise Your name
In Your kingdom
On judgment day
____________________
http://www.soundclick.com/JAPOV
Let's write something!!!!
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 12th, 2020 03:44 pm |
|
6th Post |
cmaja
Member
| Joined: | Fri Mar 22nd, 2019 |
| Location: | Kennewick, Washington USA |
| Posts: | 911 |
| Favorite Artist: | Eagles, Linda Ronstadt, Keith Urban, Billie Holiday, Metallica, Steely Dan | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Now you got it, Jim! Came out sweet and smooth. I can even hear the music. Good job!
Charles
____________________
All songs are from God. Those that are not, aren’t songs at all.
|
|
Back To Top
|
|
|
|
