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Nicky_24
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 Posted: Sun May 17th, 2020 02:53 am
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nicky_24
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This song is about the "Conversations" that go on in the mind of a troubled person. It exemplifies that we at times can be our own worst enemy. This song is actually not incomplete as it is as complete as it needs to be until the rest of the story unfolds. However, I still consider it a work in progress. I really would appreciate feedback as I'm not one to share my songs often so I wouldn't know what I could improve on. I've been writing for years on and off but this is my first time sharing in a forum.




Song: Conversations

Intro:

Oh there's a stranger right beside me
Telling me now
You'll never live to see tommorrow
Ooh
And no one's here to save you now
Show's over
Pack your hopes and go!


Verse 1

I'll sing you a song
It's called a modern tragedy
And here I am
The hero of this story
But hey (ooh ooh) plot twist
I'm also the villian
I wage the war against myself!
I'm looking at the other me
And she screams

Pre Chorus

You might as well disappear
No one loves, when you're around
You should've died
You're a mistake
I hate you,
I toss me to the ground
And we fight, oh we fight
(Ooooh oooh ooh)
But the stranger won't win this war

Chorus

The voices get louder
And I can't stop screaming
I'm sinking, going under
I wish I were dreaming

The voices get louder
And I can't stop screaming
I'm sinking, going under
I wish I were dreaming

Verse 2

There's no escaping the madness
'cause I hold myself hostage
These conversations are killing me
And when He comes to liberate me
I hold fast to these issues
They're all I've ever known
But I know caaant
Live this way anymore!

Chorus

The voices get louder
And I can't stop screaming
I'm sinking, going under
I wish I were dreaming

The voices get louder
And I can't stop screaming
I'm sinking, going under
I wish I were dreaming

© 2020 Nicole McFarlane

Last edited on Sun May 17th, 2020 03:06 am by

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 Posted: Sun May 17th, 2020 04:19 am
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The Big Gundown
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Hi,

Congratulations! It is so hard to put out your work on such a public forum. But what's good is it's unbiased and honest. When you give it to friends they'll say it's good just to be nice or make fun of it so you don't really know.

A lot of us have this inner struggle that we face everyday (well I know I do) so you've hit on an universal theme. It is a hard place to exist and some can lose their way so letting people know they're not alone is important.

In poetry or songs though it's crucial to show us what you mean instead of just telling us. The verses should make us connect to your story, the chorus confirms your theme. Here is an amazing example by Roger Waters with a similar subject in his song Comfortably Numb:

When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain you would not understand
This is not how I am
I have become comfortably numb

That is true poetry, evoking an image and using it to reveal his struggle. Use metaphors, use real life examples, don't tell us, show us.

It is way easier said than done, as if we all can be as good as Roger Waters! I'm on my songwriting journey too and it's so difficult not to fall into the trap of being too obvious. Thanks for sharing, I wish you well on your writing and other artistic endeavours and hope you post more.:)

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 Posted: Sun May 17th, 2020 05:48 am
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nicky_24
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So you're saying that I should be more descriptive then? Create an image of what I'm talking about to leave you pondering what I mean?

You're saying that the lyrics are too straight forward?

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 Posted: Sun May 17th, 2020 05:16 pm
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The Big Gundown
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Yes. You can say you're sad but show me how you're sad. I just thought of these lines off the top of my head:

I looked into the mirror and saw eyes that cared no more

I cried all night 'til the dawn broke, my tears rushed down, a flood to drown out the pain

Use anything to convey your emotion, experiment with language, read some Shakespeare, be creative. Songs are stories that listeners want to read and listen to not lines from your journal. Ralph Murphy, a songwriter with some great lectures on youtube, has a great quote: "Don’t whine, preach or vent, unless you do it with humour, irony, and detail"

We all need to heed that advice. So yes provide us with more details, if you want to write you have to work at it. If it does any of those three things, get rid of it or make it worthy for us to want to hear or read.

This is not to discourage you but to challenge you to look into yourself and release your ideas into a structured form. I see it as a privilege that we have the creativity to express our feelings.

It is a very narcissistic process so don't lose sight of the privilege part. We want the credit but understand people have way more important things to think about in their lives. But sometimes a song or poem can put things in perspective or help them have fun or commisserate. If you think you have that special gift then start working at it. Let the music be heard.

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 Posted: Sun May 17th, 2020 06:32 pm
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nicky_24
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Thank you for the feedback.

I get where you're coming from lyrically. I have been a literature student for 7 years so I understand the "laws" of prose & poetry writing, don't get me wrong. In other words, I'm saying I know how to write well. So I took it as an insult when you said to go read Shakespeare to be honest because as a student I have read through and analysed his material. But that's honestly just my ego acting up.

Anyway...

First of all, I acknowledge your comment on being more descriptive in lyric writing. Descriptive writing is something I champion in writing prose but realised since your comment that I haven't utilized that in song writing. Could be as a result of being a total noob. I'll work on that for future songs.

Second, I don't think the song is as forward as you presume it is. First off, I'm not even talking about being sad. As it regards your comment on language, I was thinking of making it more poetic in other aspects lyrically but felt detached from the song as a result. I had to say some things "straight up" for therapeutic purposes. So the lyrics are very intentional. Yes, it is a journal entry. No, it is not about sadness.

Using more poetic language for this song in particular felt like I'd be beating around the bush instead of saying how I really feel (I didn't want to do that). So when I sing it back to myself, it won't have much meaning, if you understand what I mean. I know because when I attempted to make it more poetic, it wasn't working in terms that need for catharsis.

I know for others, they could connect still even without being as forward. Not so for me.

Feel me?

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 Posted: Sun May 17th, 2020 08:12 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Hey Nicky,

First of all thank you for sharing this piece with us! I know at first it’s a strange feeling to post on here, but if you are ready for honest opinions here is the best place to be. So don’t be shy, even if you think this or that could be better, or I’m not happy with this.... we help and sometimes we give a fresh new point of view. I always like getting feedback, and here you get it to 90% in a polite way. 😉

About your song:
I think I know what you are trying to express. Have a song like that in here, too. Seems to be some kind of illness that infects artists all over the globe 😉

I specially like:
There's no escaping the madness
'cause I hold myself hostage
These conversations are killing me
And when He comes to liberate me
I hold fast to these issues
They're all I've ever known
<< the image of I hold myself hostage is really brilliant!
Try to find more of those images, you have the ability, which is great!

Sometimes, and there I have to agree with mr. Gundown, there is a bit to much if it comes to the writing. It gave me personally the feeling as if you really struggled to get this as perfect as it could possibly be and you need all those words to fulfill it all....na you don’t need that! Sometimes less is more and I, myself like it when not everything is painted out to the last bit...there should be room for the listeners/reader‘s personal path to connect. I hope you can follow me here. Why re-paint a classic picture with day-glow (so that you can be sure that everyone sees what you painted) when it’s beautiful after all, painted with normal colours.

Keep up the good work!
RK



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Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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 Posted: Mon May 18th, 2020 04:20 pm
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nicky_24
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Hi RainbowKeeper!
Thank you for the Rainbow Feedback!

I understand what you have shared and thank you for your comment. I realised what you meant after reading the lyrics to a song.

There is a line in there that says:

"Ever feel that you can't breathe?
Does the water feel too deep?"

Abd instantly I understood that you're saying that I don't need to write every single thing about what I am feeling so plainly but I must write it in such a way that will allow other people to put their meaning to it and add their story. This is what Mr. Gundown shared too. I didn't know this overall so thank you and Mr. Gundown.I will consider this for future songs.

However, I still have to say that I did not write this song with the intention for other people to connect with it. It is more like a song to release psy hological tension. Perhaps this shouldn't have been uploaded, but I just thought that I could upload it regardless without concern for the principle that it must be relatable for others. I also didn't struggle to get it perfect. I knew what I wanted to convey so I wrote it. I hope you understand what I mean now.

I still appreciate what you and Mr. Gundown had to say however because they're useful tools for future songs.

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 Posted: Mon May 18th, 2020 08:15 pm
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The Big Gundown
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Hi,

Thanks for considering our advice. To present a song or poem takes courage and will always be a work in progress. It doesn't matter if you're a newb or a veteran, respect the process and most importantly, have fun. As I said before, treat this as a privilege, how many people have the willpower or talent to follow through what they feel in their heart. Bonne chance!

-TBG

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 Posted: Mon May 18th, 2020 09:39 pm
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JAPOV
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Writers write lol...

like waking from a dream
each dawn again and counting
that silent breathless scream
reminds me that I'm drowning

Thanks for the inspiration :)
Keep or sweep...



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 Posted: Mon May 18th, 2020 11:30 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Heya,
Yes I understand what you are saying Nicky, but somehow I think why writing only for yourself??! . Sure you know what you wanted to have there and so you wrote it. What we give you is only a kind of mirror. Sometimes it’s a bit scary to watch but you can be certain that no one of us „reflect“ with bad thoughts hidden behind. Take it as „oh I meant that, they also see that but also...something else I haven’t thought about!“ and in the end you yourself decide if you wanna do a brush up or if you wanna keep it the way you’ve written it.
What you have here...is a possibility, a choice. But the #1 thing is have fun and enjoy yourself here with us. 😉
And I have to say....it would be a pity if you stop posting stuff like that, cause (like I said earlier) there have been some brilliant ideas in.

Keep it up! 👍

Yours
RK

Last edited on Mon May 18th, 2020 11:31 pm by RainbowKeeper



____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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