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Second Citizenry
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 Posted: Thu May 14th, 2020 06:37 am
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cmaja
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Second Citizenry

Verse 1:
Skin tans pretty easily, he’s dark most the year
Kids don’t want him on their team, it’s mostly fear
They whisper to each other, smiles and glancing eyes
He tries to fit in, but inside he cries
What’s it he’s done, oh, what could it be

Chorus 1:
He’s not one of us, he’s a refugee
He heard it before, since he was four
He acts like the rest, but just doesn’t see
He’s in the ranks of second citizenry

Verse 2:
High school’s a bit more fun, he stays out of the sun
Some classmates still badger and tease him for fun
Though some of the girls like his smile and black-brown eyes
He almost fits in, to push is unwise
What can he do to break this decree

Chorus 1:
He’s not one of us, he’s a refugee
He heard it before, since he was four
He acts like the rest, but just doesn’t see
He’s in the ranks of second citizenry

Verse 3:
Will the Army allow him a chance to fit in
Some of the troops, he trains with, have dark skin like him
He relates to all of them and to his surprise
He sees brotherhood hidden in their eyes
What a change he feels; he’s more carefree

Chorus 2:
He is one of us, he’s like you and me
He has some rapport, unlike before
He feels like the rest, he’s finally sees
He’s made the ranks of second citizenry

Post Chorus:
He’s made the ranks of second citizenry

© 2020 Charles M Anderson



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 Posted: Thu May 14th, 2020 09:54 am
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RainyDayMan
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I like what you've got here Charles. It's emotive and compelling and really sets the scene.

I like the hopeful message at the end, about finding somewhere to fit in. And given your background I imagine that's likely what happens in the armed forces, everyone relying on each other, breaking down barriers.

Only thing that bothers me is "second citizenry" being used as a derogatory term at the start, then as success at the end. Feels like it's being derogatory to the army - which I'm sure isn't your intention.



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 Posted: Thu May 14th, 2020 03:47 pm
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cmaja
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Hi, RD Man... Thanks for your review. Being a second citizen in the Army is my intent. Back then a soldier was a little better than a bum. It was almost frowned upon. When I came back from Vietnam I was spit upon. Even some of my own family treated me harshly. But I was too adventurous to give a damn about their discriminatory behavior. And it lasted for over a decade. It wasn’t until the late ‘70s, early ‘80s, that people started to pull out of that way of behaving. Sad but true...

Charles



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 Posted: Thu May 14th, 2020 10:10 pm
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RainyDayMan
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Ok, then you've communicated it well.
Sorry to hear that was your experience!



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 Posted: Sun May 31st, 2020 07:40 pm
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cmaja
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RainyDayMan wrote:
Ok, then you've communicated it well.
Sorry to hear that was your experience!


Yea, I’m still a second citizen and glad of it!

Charles



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 Posted: Sun Jun 7th, 2020 02:32 pm
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Motorist Sketchbook
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I like this.
An old theme with a new twist.

I wonder about the rhyming in the chorus though.

"Chorus 1:
He’s not one of us, he’s a refugee
He heard it before, since he was four
He acts like the rest, but just doesn’t see
He’s in the ranks of second citizenry"

The second line rhymes with itself,
but not with the rest of the chorus.

- Sketch

Last edited on Sun Jun 7th, 2020 02:32 pm by Motorist Sketchbook



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 Posted: Sun Jun 7th, 2020 05:04 pm
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cmaja
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Yea, Sketch... I knew what I wanted to say based upon my own experiences and that’s the way it came out. Works okay, no? Thanks for checking it out.


Charles



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 Posted: Sun Jun 7th, 2020 05:08 pm
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Motorist Sketchbook
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cmaja wrote: Yea, Sketch... I knew what I wanted to say based upon my own experiences and that’s the way it came out. Works okay, no? Thanks for checking it out.


Charles

Yes. I like it.

The accompaniment would probably need to accommodate the chorus rhyming somehow. But that's all in a day's work, I guess. - lol

- Sketch




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 Posted: Thu Jun 11th, 2020 01:16 am
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cmaja
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Yea, Sketch... The hardest part of the chorus when I sing it is the word “citizenry.” Inner rhymes are common. Some singers can handle a chorus like this, others can’t. If it ever is a song, we’ll solve the problems as they arise. Thanks for you review.

Charles



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