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The Deep Dark Cold Of Winter
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 Posted: Tue Mar 24th, 2020 01:09 am
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Andrea
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Here in NY it has been the warmest, most acceptable winter, I can remember in all my life. But, there have been many I despised, hence these lyrics. I welcome all suggestions for improvement.

The Deep Dark Cold Of Winter

The deep dark cold of winter
Brings a change in me
It starts with a pervasive
Melancholy

Force myself, get out of bed
Fight a sleepy curse
With each daylight minute lost
It gets even worse

Chorus
Batten down the hatches
Prepare for darker days
Ninety days of torture
Ninety days of discontent
Ninety days of dissolution
Ninety days mental decay
Batten down the hatches
Prepare for darker days
Batten down the hatches
Prepare for darker days

The deep dark cold of winter
Has no sympathy
I'm trying hard to persevere
All I am is empty (alt. losing stability)

Boss is saying I'm no good
Spouse threatening divorce
Until I see the light of spring
I feel no remorse

Chorus (as above)
Batten down the hatches
Prepare for darker days
Ninety days of torture
Ninety days of discontent
Ninety days of dissolution
Ninety days mental decay
Batten down the hatches
Prepare for darker days
Batten down the hatches
Prepare for darker days

The deep dark cold of winter
Knows how to take it's toll
Counting days to Spring's revival
So I can finally feel whole

As February trudges on
Twenty eight long days -yeah it was 29 this year!
I'll continue in my fight
Battling malaise

Chorus (as above)
Batten down the hatches
Prepare for darker days
Ninety days of torture
Ninety days of discontent
Ninety days of dissolution
Ninety days mental decay
Batten down the hatches
Prepare for darker days
Batten down the hatches
Prepare for darker days

©Andrea Brennan 2020

Last edited on Mon Jul 6th, 2020 05:23 pm by Andrea



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 Posted: Wed Mar 25th, 2020 10:38 pm
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RainyDayMan
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There's a lot I like about this.

V1 is nice, and from the feel of it, starts things slowly and quietly before the build up into the chorus.

Depending on the rhythm you want, in v2 you might consider
With each daylight minute lost
It gets even worse
>
With every daylight minute lost
It's getting even worse

Batten down the hatches
Prepare for darker days

these feel like the strongest lines to me, so it's great they are in the chorus, and I like how you bookend the chorus with them.
The "Ninety days..." lines seem like they should build upon each other upping the dynamics as they go.
I can't quite find the rhythm of those, but without the music it's hard to tell.
Because you had rhyming in the verses, it felt to me like there should have been a rhyme with "days" where you currently have "discontent", but again best to hear it before changing anything.

I like the verse starting:
The deep dark cold of winter
Knows how to take it's toll...

The next one (about Feb etc) feels lighter in tone, almost comical or ironic - not taking itself seriously.
I wasn't quite sure then what tone you were going for overall. I guess another instance where you need to hear it to get the full impression.

But lots to enjoy!



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 Posted: Thu Mar 26th, 2020 03:36 am
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Andrea
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RainyDayMan wrote:
There's a lot I like about this.

V1 is nice, and from the feel of it, starts things slowly and quietly before the build up into the chorus.

Depending on the rhythm you want, in v2 you might consider
With each daylight minute lost
It gets even worse
>
With every daylight minute lost
It's getting even worse

Batten down the hatches
Prepare for darker days

these feel like the strongest lines to me, so it's great they are in the chorus, and I like how you bookend the chorus with them.
The "Ninety days..." lines seem like they should build upon each other upping the dynamics as they go.
I can't quite find the rhythm of those, but without the music it's hard to tell.
Because you had rhyming in the verses, it felt to me like there should have been a rhyme with "days" where you currently have "discontent", but again best to hear it before changing anything.

I like the verse starting:
The deep dark cold of winter
Knows how to take it's toll...

The next one (about Feb etc) feels lighter in tone, almost comical or ironic - not taking itself seriously.
I wasn't quite sure then what tone you were going for overall. I guess another instance where you need to hear it to get the full impression.

But lots to enjoy!


Thank you Owen for the thoughtful feedback. I like the way your suggestion sounds 'With every daylight minute lost
It's getting even worse'. I will work to make this fit in.

In the chorus, I didn't want to use the same rhyme scheme. Days does have an almost rhyme - it is with decay. maybe this isn't close enough?

As per the last verses ("I like the verse starting:
The deep dark cold of winter
Knows how to take it's toll...

The next one (about Feb etc) feels lighter in tone, almost comical or ironic - not taking itself seriously.)

I probably would have left off the entire part starting with As feb. and leave it at 'So I can finally feel whole. I was trying to keep the structure. I will have to think about this some more. Thanks for the food for thought.



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 Posted: Thu Mar 26th, 2020 03:49 am
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RainyDayMan
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I did spot decays in there, but without understanding the rhythm of it, wasn't sure if that was intended as a rhyme or not. It will certainly work as one!



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 Posted: Fri Mar 27th, 2020 02:46 am
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Andrea
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Hi RDM. I was intending decay to rhyme with days. It's not a perfect match. I haven't had time today to work on this, but I will over the weekend. Thanks again.



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 Posted: Fri Mar 27th, 2020 11:40 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Hey there,
I like this a lot! I mean the image, the realistic expressions you found by, I guess, just being honest totally fit. The chorus gives me a very well we Germans would call it „aufgekratzt“ feeling. Means I can easily imagine you singing that with a beat that gets stronger with every line. As if you really want to say I do....I doooo....I DO want spring ! Right now! 😉 reminded me a little of a song we sing in the choir....m‘excuse.
But while reading I found some stuff that needs a little „think over“, too. To me it seems to be a bit difficult to find rhymes that fit in. Rhyming sympathy and empty is ok but not that strong. In the Last Vers I personally would come up with a strong rhyme that works around your -...- insert line. I think it would give it a stronger character, especially when it comes to the ability of remembering that song.
Last but not least one small thing ...the line: So I can finally feel whole...
It maybe not the best English if you change it, but I would switch finally and feel. I think this would give more room to breath and would also allow you to make a little ‚stop‘ between two Messeges...one you will feel again (not caged in winters darkness anymore) and the following :feeling whole again, which makes the whole meaning even stronger!, well at least in my opinion.

Good stuff, even a winterdepression can inspire us 😉
And I promise I will find out why my cell always want to spell Messegelände....when I want to type message.... drivin me nuts....seriously!

Anyway I hope you stay safe and you enjoy ya weekend!
RK



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 Posted: Sat Mar 28th, 2020 11:37 pm
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Andrea
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RainbowKeeper wrote:
Hey there,
I like this a lot! I mean the image, the realistic expressions you found by, I guess, just being honest totally fit. The chorus gives me a very well we Germans would call it „aufgekratzt“ feeling. Means I can easily imagine you singing that with a beat that gets stronger with every line. As if you really want to say I do....I doooo....I DO want spring ! Right now! 😉 reminded me a little of a song we sing in the choir....m‘excuse.
But while reading I found some stuff that needs a little „think over“, too. To me it seems to be a bit difficult to find rhymes that fit in. Rhyming sympathy and empty is ok but not that strong. In the Last Vers I personally would come up with a strong rhyme that works around your -...- insert line. I think it would give it a stronger character, especially when it comes to the ability of remembering that song.
Last but not least one small thing ...the line: So I can finally feel whole...
It maybe not the best English if you change it, but I would switch finally and feel. I think this would give more room to breath and would also allow you to make a little ‚stop‘ between two Messeges...one you will feel again (not caged in winters darkness anymore) and the following :feeling whole again, which makes the whole meaning even stronger!, well at least in my opinion.

Good stuff, even a winterdepression can inspire us 😉
And I promise I will find out why my cell always want to spell Messegelände....when I want to type message.... drivin me nuts....seriously!

Anyway I hope you stay safe and you enjoy ya weekend!
RK


Thank you RK for your thoughts and helpful suggestions. I will take a look at the rhyme between. Sympathy and empty and see if I can find something better.

You said, " In the Last Vers I personally would come up with a strong rhyme that works around your -...- insert line.", but I am not understanding. Can you reword this for me?

As for "I finally feel whole", I am inclined to keep it this way, since this is how I hear it in my head.



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 Posted: Sat Mar 28th, 2020 11:46 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Hey Andrea,

The part I’m talking about is this here:
As February trudges on
Twenty eight long days -yeah it was 29 this year!
I'll continue in my fight
Battling malaise
<< I like the -yeah it was 29 this year!- line a lot. Works as a break gives room for a musical interlude. But you don’t rhyme here, do you? I would end the last line with a word that rhymes on „year“ or I would build a x-rhyme around that line, so that the „as February....“ and the „I‘ll continue....“ lines rhyme. It’s a bit sad that you don’t rhyme here, cause I think this Vers would be the #1 place for a great rhyme that shows your point definitely and stays in the head of the listeners/readers.
I hope I explained it better now...I mean it would make it a more memorable part if you do more than „days-malaise“....

RK

Last edited on Sat Mar 28th, 2020 11:47 pm by RainbowKeeper



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 Posted: Sat Mar 28th, 2020 11:59 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Guess the point I was tryin to make is...you could do more with this Vers, cause by a stronger rhyme you can give it a very strong character, which ppl keep in mind.
Also thought that a „fading out“ over this strong rhyme would fit great. But well it’s just an idea of the friendly German you know 😉



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 Posted: Sun Mar 29th, 2020 01:10 am
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Andrea
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I see the issue. Sorry, I guess I should have made note that "yeah it was 29 this year!" was supposed to be a joke. It wasn't meant to be part of the lyrics. Maybe it should be? If so, I will have to rewrite the last verse. :) :) :)



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 Posted: Sun Mar 29th, 2020 01:19 am
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RainbowKeeper
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Heya,

LOL yeah I thought it was part of the piece, and somehow...if I were you, I’d keep it and come up with a big boom as ending rhyme. Don’t know how to express it but when I read the chorus I think about a little bit of „up temp“ there. Maybe a little bit more line by line so that it gets a really strong „longing“ character and I personally would like an ending like that too.
But well somehow the unexpected can be fun two, but in that case I’d do some kind of fade out over a/the ending rhyme. So that the whole piece keeps the strong Charakter till the end.
Uh gosh you write great stuff, you know that, don’t you? 😉

RK



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 Posted: Mon Mar 30th, 2020 12:47 am
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Andrea
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RK, I am not sure I can include 'yeah it was 29 this year!' in the lyrics. If you have an idea, I will listen.

As for sympathy rhyming with empty, I came up with a potential alternative: Is it any better?

The deep dark cold of winter
Has no sympathy
I'm trying hard to persevere
Losing stability



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 Posted: Mon Mar 30th, 2020 01:25 am
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RainbowKeeper
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Top! Like it a lot now!

Well done
Rk



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 Posted: Mon Mar 30th, 2020 03:56 pm
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Andrea
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Thanks for your suggestion RDM, although I do like the sound of 'it's getting even worse' the syllables are too many, so for now I will leave it as is.

I think I am good with my chorus. I can hear it in my head. I may opt to delete one line if needed when the time comes for music.

RK, I have added 'losing stability' as an option. I will see if anyone else chimes in with feedback. Thanks for your feedback.



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 Posted: Mon Mar 30th, 2020 04:36 pm
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Hey Andrea,

Great keep it open as an alternative and see if others give you feedback on that. That’s a good decision. And I do agree with you about the Fakt that: in the end, you, yourself have to like it. We are only here to give feedback and suggestions for others.
It’s like this: Nitzsche said: to do is to be, Kant replied: to do is to be but Sinatra put both men aside and just said: do be do ne do....
:);)



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 Posted: Wed Apr 1st, 2020 10:10 pm
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Andrea
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RainbowKeeper wrote:
Hey Andrea,

Great keep it open as an alternative and see if others give you feedback on that. That’s a good decision. And I do agree with you about the Fakt that: in the end, you, yourself have to like it. We are only here to give feedback and suggestions for others.
It’s like this: Nitzsche said: to do is to be, Kant replied: to do is to be but Sinatra put both men aside and just said: do be do ne do....
:);)
LOL

Feedback is so helpful in so many different ways. I admit I thought this forum would be flooded with posts since everyone is home looking for things to keep busy, but it seems rather quiet lately. Sorry, I stepped out for a couple days, but I am back and would love to do some more work. Next is your post.



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