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RainbowKeeper
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Joined: Fri Feb 14th, 2020
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Hey there,
I know it’s me again...once again....and I’m sorry that I have to post again, but I would appreciate some feedback to my idea I had this night. I’m not really happy with it but somehow I don’t know how else I should have written it. But somehow I have the feeling that I wrote 2 songs in one. So please, I count on you!

Candle

I’ve been lit up in December
Since then I wear my fire crown
I have seen so many changes
That have turned the world upside down
Loved these times of celebrations
When my light made people smile
When my bright flame burnt full of joy
My flame crackled once in a while

Sometimes I brought light to darkness
I ignited gloomy hours
And I helped many through their grief
Gleaming then with all my powers
Sometimes I burnt because of love
Cause of this warm tingling feeling
When my sparks ignited cold hearts
And my light promised some healing

Candle glowing candlelight
Danger and romance are combined
Candle glowing candlelight
Shining strong, shining kind
Candle glowing candlelight
Danger and romance are combined
But in any flame a big fire is hidden inside
That‘s what you should keep in mind

I give away this warm comfort feeling
While I truly burn myself
I give away this warm comfort feeling
I help you make it through the night
I give away this warm comfort feeling
While I truly burn myself
I give away this warm comfort feeling
Can’t you sense my inner fright?
I give away this warm comfort feeling
While I truly burn myself
And all these storms and rain outside
May extinguish this candle‘s light

Some see my flame dancing wildly
They think I burn in ecstasy
They don’t know and they won’t listen
That this is a hard fight for me
Wind can take away my fire
And tears of wax roll down my skin
Some smoke is all I left behind
I hide my troubles deep within

© by Ian P.
Words by Ian P.
06.03.2020
for: Valentine+B

Tyvm! RK

Motorist Sketchbook
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Joined: Sat Apr 28th, 2018
Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Posts: 1125
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Yes, this is quite wordy. (too many words)

If you had to edit it to half this length, what would you remove?
You would probably toss the mediocre lines and keep the best ones.
Thus a great improvement would happen.

Sketch

Billy_Lunch_Money
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Joined: Fri Mar 2nd, 2018
Location: Leicester, United Kingdom
Posts: 255
Favorite Artist: Hendrix,Nirvana,Ozric Tentacles,Messa,Alice in Chains,Windhand,Khruangbin
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Hi RK

I like the theme, but I have to agree with Sketch it is a bit on the long side for me. I take its one that you just let poor out as can not see and verse/chorus structure?

B

Billy_Lunch_Money
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Joined: Fri Mar 2nd, 2018
Location: Leicester, United Kingdom
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Favorite Artist: Hendrix,Nirvana,Ozric Tentacles,Messa,Alice in Chains,Windhand,Khruangbin
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Hi RK

I like the theme, but I have to agree with Sketch it is a bit on the long side for me. I take its one that you just let poor out as can not see and verse/chorus structure?

B

RainbowKeeper
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Hey guys thanx for your input. I think I should cut a little at the c part. And skip the repeated words there...maybe...yeah billy you r right this one came out of me like a river and it took just a few seconds. So that I myself wasn’t sure about the picture...I or if I had written 2 songs in one because of non fitting images. So I just wrote it all down, alle the stuff That was in my head, unable to stop.
I won’t cut the verses but yeah the c part could be a little shorter!
Ty RK

RainbowKeeper
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Joined: Fri Feb 14th, 2020
Location: Germany
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Ok guys, I worked a little on it and made it a little shorter. Please let me know if it’s better now. Thanx!

Candle

I’ve been lit up in December
Since then I wear my fire crown
I have seen so many changes
That have turned the world upside down
Loved these times of celebrations
When my light made people smile
When my bright flame burnt full of joy
My flame crackled once in a while

Sometimes I brought light to darkness
I ignited gloomy hours
And I helped many through their grief
Gleaming then with all my powers
Sometimes I burnt because of love
Cause of this warm tingling feeling
When my sparks ignited cold hearts
And my light promised some healing

Candle glowing candlelight
Danger and romance are combined
Candle glowing candlelight
Shining strong, shining kind
Candle glowing candlelight
But in any flame a conflagration is hidden inside
That‘s what you should keep in mind

I give away this comfort feeling
While I truly burn myself
I give away this comfort feeling
We‘ll make it through the night
I give away this warm comfort feeling
While I truly burn myself
I give away this comfort feeling
But can’t you sense my inner fright?
Cause I truly burn myself
Tears of wax roll down my skin
I hide my troubles deep within

Some see my flame dancing wildly
They think I burn in ecstasy
They don’t know and they won’t listen
How hard this fight may be for me

© by Ian P.
Words by Ian P.
06/14.03.20
for: Valentine+B

Andrea
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Hi Ian, I am having trouble understanding what this is about. I thought maybe it was about God, but as the verses progressed, that didn't seem to fit. If you could give me the theme, I might be able to add better suggestions.

RainbowKeeper
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Joined: Fri Feb 14th, 2020
Location: Germany
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Hey there,

Ty for taking the time to read and interact with this piece I wrote.
The truth is, I’m on some kind of self-reflection tour atm.

RK

Motorist Sketchbook
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Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
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Andrea wrote: Hi Ian, I am having trouble understanding what this is about. I thought maybe it was about God, but as the verses progressed, that didn't seem to fit. If you could give me the theme, I might be able to add better suggestions.
I love these lyrics.
As I understand it, this is the view, of a single candle, of the world.
Experiencing all the things that a candle might experience, if it were a living being.

And much like us, the candle is painfully aware of its mortality.
As it sees itself burning down to a pool of wax.
When it finally runs out of wick to burn, it is done, life is over.

Brilliant!

- Sketch

Andrea
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Joined: Tue Nov 27th, 2018
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York USA
Posts: 1750
Favorite Artist: Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses
I am a: Songwriter
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Motorist Sketchbook wrote:
Andrea wrote: Hi Ian, I am having trouble understanding what this is about. I thought maybe it was about God, but as the verses progressed, that didn't seem to fit. If you could give me the theme, I might be able to add better suggestions.
I love these lyrics.
As I understand it, this is the view, of a single candle, of the world.
Experiencing all the things that a candle might experience, if it were a living being.

And much like us, the candle is painfully aware of its mortality.
As it sees itself burning down to a pool of wax.
When it finally runs out of wick to burn, it is done, life is over.

Brilliant!

- Sketch



Thank Sketch, that does seems to make sense :) :)

RainbowKeeper
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Joined: Fri Feb 14th, 2020
Location: Germany
Posts: 466
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Hey,

Thank you very much Sketch and Andrea! Ty specially for taking the time to read, to understand and give feedback. I know that time is precious! And I want you to know that I’m very happy about any feedback I get, because that’s what help us grow.
All I want to say about candle...it’s about „giving“.
Ty again!


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