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 Posted: Fri Feb 28th, 2020 09:28 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Joined: Fri Feb 14th, 2020
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Somehow I got an idea this afternoon and you can now read what came out of it... feel free to comment, and to give feedback!

I can’t forget

Where am I now? I’ve lost my way
So aimlessly I walk around
I hardly see all the snowflakes
Gently falling without a sound
The cold doesn’t matter to me
Inside I’m already frozen
Cause you are not here to warm me up
Why ain’t I the one you’ve chosen?

So many dreams that we have had
What about Paris in the spring?
No more music for me to write
Without you I have no song to sing
Walking along a nameless road
Streetlamp‘s light reflects in the snow
Like the diamond ring I gave you
Standing still, don’t know where to go

Je n‘ oublies pas
Toi et moi
Mais tous je pense est „Pourquoi?“
Je n‘ oublies pas
Mon coeur s‘est brisé
Pour cette amour sonne les glas
Je n‘ oublies pas
Toi et moi
Mais tous je pense est „Pourquoi?“
Je n‘ oublies pas
Comme tu es parti seul
Et j‘ attendes mon rachart
Je n‘ oublies pas
Toi et moi
Mais tous je pense est „Pourquoi?“
Je n‘ oublies pas
Mon coeur s‘est brisé
Pour cette amour sonne les glas
Je n‘ oublies pas
Toi et moi
Mais tous je pense est „Pourquoi?“
Je n‘ oublies pas
Comme tu es parti seul
Oh- je n‘ oublies pas

In my memories I still see us
Together, united at the fireplace
In my memories I still see us
I feel our burning love
In my memories I still see us
Together, united at the fireplace
In my memories I still see us
We have been in a fever
Now snow blows in my face

Where am I now? I lost my way
And there is no way back to you
While fresh snow covers my footsteps
I can’t believe that we are through

© by Ian P. WM by Ian P. 28.02.2020
For: Valentine+B



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Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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 Posted: Sat Feb 29th, 2020 04:27 am
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RainyDayMan
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Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 6662
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
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Kudos for being able to write in different languages. That's at least 3 for you I believe?

There's plenty of emotion here, and that sense of being aimless and lost goes the whole way through.

In this line:
Why ain’t I the one you’ve chosen?
the word "ain't" feels out of place there as the rest of the lyric is fluent and has a more formal structure. You might consider "aren't" instead for consistency.

I like this line in particular:
Walking along a nameless road
gives the sense of not knowing, nor caring where the singer is - it simply doesn't matter

Streetlamp‘s light reflects in the snow
I'm not sure snow reflects, but you can probably get away with that.

The middle section written in French looks pretty long and there is a risk of it feeling repetitious. Can't really tell without hearing it, but something to watch out for.

And there is no way back to you
Another strong line. Interestingly, I think
And there is no way back from you
might also work there.

Good stuff!



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 Posted: Sat Feb 29th, 2020 02:32 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Joined: Fri Feb 14th, 2020
Location: Germany
Posts: 475
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Ty once again! I hope that I don’t post to much here. Don’t wanna make it boring for others. Sorry! (But I still have lots of stuff)
But it just crossed my mind yesterday, inspired by a french Chanson and that’s what I want as a character for my piece, too. And yes your right the french part may be to long but I was unsure about what should be the ending rhyme and the ending „image“. Because they all sounded good to me I kept them all in writing but I guess when it comes to singing, I’d probably cut it somewhere.
You are also right about the „ain’t“. I know what u mean and I guess aren’t...sung a lil faster...is a good word for a change there.
I really wanted to keep the „lonely“ image of the lyrical-I in the lyrics and I also wanted to bring up some warm, comforting memories into the snow cold present.
Btw this one was a real quick birth, took me only a few min to write the frame and got good ideas while doing that so the „painting“ with words was finished very soon.

My french got a little rusty, so that I don‘t know if every word has the right ending (it can be very tricky in french!!) but maybe one of my friends can help me there. Or maybe we have a french-Canadian here who might have a closer look at the lines.
But yeah I grew up with German, English and French. And this is not my first song having some french lyrics in it. At university I also started learning Dutch, Spanish, Italian and I also got a bit Latin and Turkish....but I can only use proverbs and sayings in those languages. Maybe a lil more in Italian but I’m not sure, cause it has been sooooo long ago.
And I still wanna write some good English-German stuff, but I haven’t got any good idea, yet.

Ty for your opinion and help once again!

Last edited on Sat Feb 29th, 2020 02:34 pm by RainbowKeeper



____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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