 |
| Posted: Wed Feb 26th, 2020 09:04 pm |
|
1st Post |
BDT53
Member
| Joined: | Wed Feb 26th, 2020 |
| Location: | Corona , California USA |
| Posts: | 6 |
| Favorite Artist: | Post Malone, Russ, Illenium, Les Zepplin, Fleetwood Mac | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Song title: Coming Down
V1:
I hate this feeling
Don’t know what to do
The way we met
Was in a book or two
The crowd was movin’
We locked eyes for a few
C:
How did we get here
From dancing on the clouds
Hardly breathin’
On our way down
We’re dog fightin’
Ain’t no crown
We’re coming down
We’re coming down
B:
You’re acting strange
Don’t know what to believe
Say love is an ocean
So, I’ll surf the sea
Truth is I’m treading
To stay above the top
But it’s something I can’t see
C:
How did we get here
From dancing on the clouds
Now we’re hardly breathing
On our way down
We’re dog fighting
And ain’t no crown
We’re coming down
We’re coming down
V2:
I hate this feeling
I know what to do
The way we met
Was in a book or two
The time has come
This is through
R:
We’re coming down
We’re done
No more me and you
-Sensus
Hey guys! I would very much appreciate feedback! Let me know what I can improve on. Also, feel free to tell what you interpret this song is about! I’d love to see if I’m getting thru my message objectively! Thanks 🙏 -Sensus Last edited on Thu Feb 27th, 2020 02:51 am by BDT53
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Thu Feb 27th, 2020 02:17 am |
|
2nd Post |
RainbowKeeper
Contributor
| Joined: | Fri Feb 14th, 2020 |
| Location: | Germany |
| Posts: | 509 |
| Favorite Artist: | | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
hey there,
first of all: congrats on finishing your first songlyrics!
It's hard work, I/we here know that. And I must say u did a pritty good job!
So, here is my feedback for u:
I love the c part:
How did we get here
From dancing on the clouds
Hardly breathin’ << very good
On our way down
We’re dog fightin’ << that is some american slang isn't it?
Ain’t no crown
We’re coming down
We’re coming down
the ending is ok:
R:
We’re coming down
We’re done
No more me and you << I would skip that and end on the line before
what I think you can improve a little is:
The way we met
Was in a book or two
<< what exactly do you mean here? sorry I'm a non american, and I d come up with words EVERYone can relate to.
one lil other thing or, well ok 1 and 1/2 things:
Don’t what to believe << do you really mean 'what'?
Say love is an ocean
So, I’ll surf the sea
<< this is a lil.... well dont get me wrong here...a little boring cause it has been used so often. I think you can find 2 lines that fit better....specially (and here comes the 1/2) if u rhyme sea with see...I'm SURE u can find a better way to say what u wanna express here. The c part compared to this is at least 2times stronger.
As far as "non american me" understand it, you are talking about a lost love and you are wonderin' how you came down. Asking what may have been wrong that brought the cloud-dancing to an end.
Last edited on Thu Feb 27th, 2020 02:18 am by RainbowKeeper
____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Thu Feb 27th, 2020 02:50 am |
|
3rd Post |
BDT53
Member
| Joined: | Wed Feb 26th, 2020 |
| Location: | Corona , California USA |
| Posts: | 6 |
| Favorite Artist: | Post Malone, Russ, Illenium, Les Zepplin, Fleetwood Mac | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Thank you, Rainbowkeeper!! That was a constructive reply, I appreciate it! You definitely picked out the parts I wasn’t so sure about, almost to a pin! To your first point: Dog fighting refers to air combat (between fighter planes). It is a bit outdated and/or military jargon (specifically Air Force). Not to sure about it to be honest, and have been kind of sitting on that line until I come up with something better that still holds the same meaning (In the sky theme, if you get me). As for the last line, I hold this same opinion, I just needed that reassurance, thank you for that! As for “was in a book or two” I meant something along the lines of the “meeting” of the characters to be almost movie, or story book like....also a line I’m sitting on. As for line two in B, I forgot to type know before what, I’ll edit the typos out. As for the ocean thing, yes! Super cheesy and now that I think of it I got lazy with that part! I’ll definitely work on the Sea/See rhyme! Thank you so much! 🙏
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Thu Feb 27th, 2020 03:38 am |
|
4th Post |
RainbowKeeper
Contributor
| Joined: | Fri Feb 14th, 2020 |
| Location: | Germany |
| Posts: | 509 |
| Favorite Artist: | | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Hey, u said nuff thanks *smile* I’m glad I could help.
If u want, I‘ll look again later on (it’s almost 5 am here) and maybe I will get some ideas that may help you.
Only if u want me to!
So goodbye for now.
Ian
____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Thu Feb 27th, 2020 05:20 pm |
|
5th Post |
BDT53
Member
| Joined: | Wed Feb 26th, 2020 |
| Location: | Corona , California USA |
| Posts: | 6 |
| Favorite Artist: | Post Malone, Russ, Illenium, Les Zepplin, Fleetwood Mac | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Awesome, just let me know (: I
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Thu Feb 27th, 2020 05:44 pm |
|
6th Post |
RainbowKeeper
Contributor
| Joined: | Fri Feb 14th, 2020 |
| Location: | Germany |
| Posts: | 509 |
| Favorite Artist: | | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Ok I will give it a try.
Btw feel free to comment my stuff.
____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Thu Feb 27th, 2020 08:00 pm |
|
7th Post |
RainbowKeeper
Contributor
| Joined: | Fri Feb 14th, 2020 |
| Location: | Germany |
| Posts: | 509 |
| Favorite Artist: | | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
(Working title)
I do hate this feeling A‘
I don’t know what to do
You see the way we met
Was in a book or two
The whole crowd was moving
We locked eyes for a few
But now you’re acting strange
Frail wings won’t set us free A+
May‘ we were flying to high
Icarus has told me
The truth is I’m treading
To stay above the top
But how can I reach thee?
How did we get here?
From dancing on the clouds
Hardly breathin‘
Now on our way down B
How did we get here?
Ain’t no crown
We’re coming down
Yeah- We‘re coming down
You know I truly hate this feeling
Tell me what I could do
You know I truly hate this feeling
Like hard rain we’re coming down C
You know I truly hate this feeling
Say what could I do?
But I can sense it
This is through
At the heavens of love
But now we’re coming down A*
There’s no more me and you
Cause we’re down yeah we’re down
(Fade)
Sorry but I got an image in my head so that I started writing it „into“ your lyrics. But I think it fits. I also had to come up with some „filling“ words so that all the lines in the verses have the same syllables (uh what a word.....) anyway now every line in the verses is a 6‘ line.
I tried to stay as close to your lyrics and images as possible and well after all it’s only an idea if you don’t like it just forget about it.
Btw while I was hand writing your lyrics I got the „in a book or two“ part. Silly that I had to write it down with my own hands to understand it completely. Well sometimes that’s the way it is.
Anyway I hope u like it and if not, just say „no but thank you“ and we’re good.
Cheerio
IanLast edited on Fri Feb 28th, 2020 02:27 am by RainbowKeeper
____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 1st, 2020 11:44 pm |
|
8th Post |
Andrea
Moderator
| Joined: | Tue Nov 27th, 2018 |
| Location: | Poughkeepsie, New York USA |
| Posts: | 1893 |
| Favorite Artist: | Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Hi Sensus, I think you have something here worth working on. The story is there - 2 people met like a fairy tale, but things have changed and the narrator (one of the people) is having a difficult time with the relationship troubles. He/ she chooses to end the relationship. My favorite part is the chorus, but I agree with RK, some of the terminology is not working. I might suggest a simple chorus:
How did we get here
From dancing on clouds
Hardly breathin’
We're on our way down
- Maybe repeat this all twice
or
How did we get here
From dancing on clouds
Hardly breathin’
On our way down
Not much left to believe in
We’re coming down
We’re coming down
Some other thoughts to use or lose (just my personal view):
V1: eliminate the first 2 lines. They are contradictory to the rest of the verse. Make V1 about how you met.
Make the Bridge verse 2. Things are changing. Then chorus
V3 - what happened to make it change? Add to the story.
Maybe a V4 could conclude with the decision to end it?
A strong chorus can make a song. I think you are on your way. The story is there, so work on improving the verses to help make a stronger storyline.
____________________
Andrea
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Mon Mar 2nd, 2020 10:31 am |
|
9th Post |
RainyDayMan
TSF Administrator
| Joined: | Thu May 17th, 2007 |
| Location: | Stratford, Australia |
| Posts: | 6769 |
| Favorite Artist: | James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell | | I am a: | Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Online
|
|
I think overall this is shaping nicely. Got a grittiness to it that suggests rock to me.
I like:
We locked eyes for a few
how the "seconds" are implied
We’re dog fightin’
Ain’t no crown
there's a sense of viciousness there and pointlessness.
I don't understand these lines either:
The way we met
Was in a book or two
though enigmatic lyrics are nothing new!
More good lines:
How did we get here
From dancing on the clouds
you've created a feeling of distance there as well as the prior euphoria.
I think you've got the structure right here.
That second verse is the end of the story so the bridge has to come in the middle creating a symmetrical shape to the whole.
As a suggestion you might consider:
We’re coming down
Coming down
____________________
https://soundcloud.com/RainyDayMan/tracks
https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=708281
|
|
Back To Top
|
BDT53
Member
| Joined: | Wed Feb 26th, 2020 |
| Location: | Corona , California USA |
| Posts: | 6 |
| Favorite Artist: | Post Malone, Russ, Illenium, Les Zepplin, Fleetwood Mac | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Thank you, Ian, Andrea, and RainyDayMan! I appreciate all three of you and the perspective, rewrites, suggestions and praise ! I am taking all your comments to paper and I’m rewriting/improving this song with newfound insight/perspective. I will be posting the new version as soon as I’m finished and satisfied with the work ! (: Again, I appreciate all of you for taking the time to give me feedback!
|
|
Back To Top
|
RainbowKeeper
Contributor
| Joined: | Fri Feb 14th, 2020 |
| Location: | Germany |
| Posts: | 509 |
| Favorite Artist: | | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Yvw
Can’t wait to read your finished piece!
____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
|
|
Back To Top
|
Andrea
Moderator
| Joined: | Tue Nov 27th, 2018 |
| Location: | Poughkeepsie, New York USA |
| Posts: | 1893 |
| Favorite Artist: | Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
BDT53 wrote:
Thank you, Ian, Andrea, and RainyDayMan! I appreciate all three of you and the perspective, rewrites, suggestions and praise ! I am taking all your comments to paper and I’m rewriting/improving this song with newfound insight/perspective. I will be posting the new version as soon as I’m finished and satisfied with the work ! (: Again, I appreciate all of you for taking the time to give me feedback!
I look forward to reading your next post. Each person sees things from a different perspective, and that can be very helpful, inciteful, and sometimes confusing for improving your lyrics. Always remember, they are your lyrics, and you should follow your heart and mind as to what you want to change. Good luck - can't wait to read it 
____________________
Andrea
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Sun Nov 29th, 2020 06:49 pm |
|
13th Post |
MyFathersSon
Member
| Joined: | Wed Nov 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | Bristol, United Kingdom |
| Posts: | 43 |
| Favorite Artist: | Depeche Mode, Esoterica, Dreamstate Logic, Phenomena | | I am a: | Other |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
I had to resurrect this to say I can't BELIEVE you got talked out of 'We're dog fightin'!!It fits the theme of dancing in the clouds/conflict/fighting 'like cat and dog' etc.
How did we get here
From dancing on the clouds
Hardly breathin’
On our way down<--------------------------------------
We’re dog fightin’ <--------------------------------------!!!!!!
Ain’t no crown
We’re coming down
We’re coming down
Each to their own I guess, and you were a bit dubious anyway, but sometimes we should 'stick to our guns' :-D
|
|
Back To Top
|
BeatlesFan64
Member
| Joined: | Mon Nov 23rd, 2020 |
| Location: | Texas USA |
| Posts: | 159 |
| Favorite Artist: | The Beatles, Everlys, SBJ, Herman’s Hermits, Searchers | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Hi Sensus, I'm sure you've moved on to bigger and better things by now haha. I just wanted to let you know that this is a really good first lyric. There are some rough spots, which others already pointed out, but overall it was good, I really liked your chorus. Well done overall ☺
____________________
Keeping the oldies alive! All comments and feedback welcome 🙂
https://soundcloud.com/billis-lopez/sets/best-of-tommy-l-day-the?ref=clipboard&p=i&c=1
|
|
Back To Top
|
Andrea
Moderator
| Joined: | Tue Nov 27th, 2018 |
| Location: | Poughkeepsie, New York USA |
| Posts: | 1893 |
| Favorite Artist: | Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
MyFathersSon wrote:
I had to resurrect this to say I can't BELIEVE you got talked out of 'We're dog fightin'!!It fits the theme of dancing in the clouds/conflict/fighting 'like cat and dog' etc.
How did we get here
From dancing on the clouds
Hardly breathin’
On our way down<--------------------------------------
We’re dog fightin’ <--------------------------------------!!!!!!
Ain’t no crown
We’re coming down
We’re coming down
Each to their own I guess, and you were a bit dubious anyway, but sometimes we should 'stick to our guns' :-D
The lyrics have not changed. What do you mean?
____________________
Andrea
|
|
Back To Top
|
MyFathersSon
Member
| Joined: | Wed Nov 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | Bristol, United Kingdom |
| Posts: | 43 |
| Favorite Artist: | Depeche Mode, Esoterica, Dreamstate Logic, Phenomena | | I am a: | Other |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Hi Andrea
' Dog fighting refers to air combat (between fighter planes). It is a bit outdated and/or military jargon (specifically Air Force). Not to sure about it to be honest, and have been kind of sitting on that line until I come up with something better that still holds the same meaning (In the sky theme, if you get me).'
It's an old thread, who knows what he decided to do.
:-)
Last edited on Thu Dec 3rd, 2020 05:03 pm by MyFathersSon
|
|
Back To Top
|
|
|
|
