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| Posted: Wed Feb 19th, 2020 10:14 pm |
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1st Post |
RainbowKeeper
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Some new stuff from me. Feel free to leave a comment below!
STEP OUT
why are you still there, inside of me?
inside of my bones, my head and heart
it's true, I once invited you in
naive and giving, right from the start
not knowing that you would leave me soon
cuttin' off, I felt misunderstood
being the only star at the sky
left alone, I gave more than I could
why do I still see you in the shades?
and see your smile when I close my eyes?
why do I still feel this rage inside?
as if I could never getting wise
in lonely moments the still of night
I do recall all that we went through
watch the pieces of my broken heart
their glittering colours catch my view
step out
of the darkness and memories
step out
of anger pity and pain
step out
of the darkness and momories
and search for what really is your gain
release any chain and find whats waiting
step out-and find your gain
painting my self-portrait
only to look at a strangers face
painting my self-portrait
using pale colours in the night
painting my self-portrait
only to look at a stranger's eyes
there is only one similar thing
we both are hiding from the light
it wont start anew if there's no end
I can't be ready for someone new
-a thought coming up so strong and clear-
watchin' pieces of my broken heart
their glittering colours catch my view
W & M by Ian P./ © by Ian P./ 16.01.2020/ 22:44/ for: VALENTINE
____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
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| Posted: Thu Feb 20th, 2020 05:19 pm |
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2nd Post |
cmaja
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Hi FabIan... This is good, although I didn’t check out the structure thoroughly. You should repeat the chorus again between the bridge and coda. I like the feel of it even with the verses being a bit depressing. But good rock songs are tragedies. Keep up the good work!
Charles
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All songs are from God. Those that are not, aren’t songs at all.
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| Posted: Thu Feb 20th, 2020 05:32 pm |
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3rd Post |
RainbowKeeper
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Tyvm!
____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
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| Posted: Thu Feb 20th, 2020 10:47 pm |
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RainyDayMan
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First thing I noticed was a strong rhythm to those early verses. The short words of "why are you still there" feels like it will be sung faster, then slow right down and pause for "inside of me?"
After those first two verses the structure changes radically. And it doesn't seem to revert back to the verse format, so it's like a song with two halves. Was that deliberate? If so, the music should reflect that as well.
In v1 l2 I would repeat "my" a 3rd time and make it "my bones, my head and my heart"
I like the "step out" lines. They feel punchy.
Less keen on "search for what really is your gain". That feels unwieldy to me, but I'm old, so possibly it's modern vernacular.
I also like the "painting my self-portrait" lines, though I'm unsure about having those immediately after the "step out" lines as they seem to serve a similar function. I would rather see a verse here then return to this format. I think fewer syllables in every second line would feel stronger too, so more like:
painting my self-portrait
looking at a strangers face
painting my self-portrait
pale colours in the night
painting my self-portrait
looking in a stranger's eyes
only one likeness
both are hiding from the light
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| Posted: Thu Feb 20th, 2020 11:36 pm |
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RainbowKeeper
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Uh he also made a quick stop here lol. Ty again!
Never heared the word „likeness“ this is a very good thing to add. Makes it more catchy! 
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Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
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| Posted: Fri Feb 21st, 2020 02:47 pm |
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6th Post |
Andrea
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There is a lot of emotions that comes through for the listener/reader. I enjoyed it. Defintely worth tweaking a bit.
Some of the rhymes feel a little forced. I love the website rhymezone.com whenever I am writing. There are always ideas I have not been able to think of on my own (plus it is often easier then racking my brain -lol).
I do see what RDM is saying about the structure. I might consider something like this:
V1
why are you still there, inside of me?
inside of my bones, my head and heart
it's true, I once invited you in
naive and giving, right from the start
not knowing that you would leave me soon
cuttin' off, I felt misunderstood
being the only star at the sky
left alone, I gave more than I could
Chorus
step out
of the darkness and memories
step out
of anger pity and pain
step out
of the darkness and momories
and search for what really is your gain
release any chain and find whats waiting
step out-and find your gain
V2
why do I still see you in the shades?
and see your smile when I close my eyes?
why do I still feel this rage inside?
as if I could never getting wise
in lonely moments the still of night
I do recall all that we went through
watch the pieces of my broken heart
their glittering colours catch my view
Chorus
Bridge
painting my self-portrait
only to look at a strangers face
painting my self-portrait
using pale colours in the night
painting my self-portrait
only to look at a stranger's eyes
there is only one similar thing
we both are hiding from the light
V3 - should match the lines and syllables for V1 and V2
it wont start anew if there's no end
I can't be ready for someone new
-a thought coming up so strong and clear-
watchin' pieces of my broken heart
their glittering colours catch my view
____________________
Andrea
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| Posted: Fri Feb 21st, 2020 03:30 pm |
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7th Post |
RainbowKeeper
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Hey ty for the input! I understand what u are saying about the structure of the song but what I forgot to tell u is that I’m always only writing it down to show all parts of it. There is no structure shown on this post. If so I normally come up with A/A‘/A+/B/C....- part and so on. Sorry didn’t mention that before.
What I don’t get is what u say about
The syllables. To me it’s a 9‘ in every line. And the extra line in A+ is there for its reason. It’s again an element of breathing, u remember talking to me about this on our co-write lyrics. It’s my style well not really to „break“ it off but to keep pushing the readers brain thats working on the topic of the song.
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Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
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| Posted: Fri Feb 21st, 2020 04:41 pm |
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8th Post |
Andrea
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I didn't mean they were wrong (I didn't count them), I just meant that if the last part was going to be a chorus it should have 8 lines and similar syllables (as V1 and V2).
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Andrea
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| Posted: Fri Feb 21st, 2020 05:09 pm |
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9th Post |
RainbowKeeper
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Na the last part ain’t a chorus, it’s an A+ with 9‘ lines.
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Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
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