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 Posted: Tue Feb 18th, 2020 07:11 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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ONE DAY

It’s all we hear, the main topic
And it’s all we see in the news
Discussions, good, but be prepared
Its waking evil from it’s snooze
The refugees become shadows
The enemy in our own line
You get scared to talk against this
To many struggle and decline

But arent we all refugees?
Yes sometimes we certainly are
When we flee right into lying
When booze and drugs take us afar
It means we are runnin’ away
From demons, troubles and the pain
From a truth we should better face
When we are to scared and to vain

One day I hope we’ll understand
One day I pray that we’ll see
One day I hope we’ll understand
One day I pray we’ll realize
One day I hope we’ll understand
One day I pray that we’ll see
One day I hope we’ll be that wise

What do you think?
everyone deserves what they get?
What is different?
Is this really a question of interest?
What do you think?
everyone deserves what they get?
You’d do better if you ask
What is equal? What connects?
A stranger is just someone you haven’t met, yet

Does it matter where we come from?
And does it matter where we go?
How we live should be in focus
It’s everything we need to know
How we live should be in focus
How we deal with joy and sorrow
That’s what will be remembered
And that is all we need to know

© by Ian P.
W&M by Ian P.
17.10.2015 for: VALENTINE



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 Posted: Thu Feb 20th, 2020 10:29 pm
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RainyDayMan
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Good theme to work with and an important one.

I almost think this should be structured like an anthem - a call to arms. If you went that way, I'd suggest changing to a stronger voice:
"We are all refugees" rather than "Aren't we all refugees?"
"we are runnin’ away" rather than "It means we are runnin’ away"
- I think you get the idea.

Not sure about "snooze", that feels too comical to be juxtaposed with "Evil" and just seems like you couldn't think of a better rhyme.

I'm not totally convinced about the booze/drugs analogy. To me that feels like personal weakness, whereas fleeing a war zone or similar takes strength and courage. But that's likely a personal reaction and others may feel differently.

I like your "One day I..." lines. Feels like they should build drama and power as they go. If so, they should end on something you can really sing out on. I think "One day I hope we’ll understand" would work better for that than "One day I hope we’ll be that wise". Once you get music, have a look at how many repeats you can use before it starts to tire the ear.

The verse starting "What do you think?" again feels a bit passive/indirect to me. Whereas I like these lines in your next verse:
How we live should be in focus
It’s everything we need to know



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 Posted: Thu Feb 20th, 2020 10:39 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Tyvm for your input!



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 Posted: Thu Feb 20th, 2020 10:53 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Ok, it’s a bit difficult using my cell phone on this but I will give it a try.
I understand what u mean about the word „snooze“ but I wanted to find a word that a) rhymes and b) shows that evil is never fully asleep. Dunno maybe it’s a typical German thought but ...yeah.
When I wrote booze and drugs I asked myself : how do we run away from our trouble. But now that I read your opinion it came clear to me that u can also understand it the other way around and in that case my lines would really make sense....mhh I have to think about that!
The „one day lines“ well I’d like to keep the last one with „wise“ but maybe skip the one before and focus on the „understand“ in the line before. Give it a long tune and maybe whisper the last one on „wise“ after that.
Mhhh not sure yet!



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 Posted: Fri Feb 21st, 2020 02:34 pm
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Andrea
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There is a good message here. I like RDM's anthem idea. It would make the message feel more direct/strong.

I am also not crazy on the word snooze. You may need to write a whole new line, but here are some cool rhymes for news - Ruse, subterfuge, in someone else's shoes, choose, clues, cues.



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 Posted: Fri Feb 21st, 2020 03:33 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Ty again for your thoughts Andrea!
I will think about it.
Btw I use an app on my cell that finds synonyms, antonyms and another one that finds rhymes. Very practical indeed!
Greetings!



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 Posted: Sat Feb 22nd, 2020 08:34 pm
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Billy_Lunch_Money
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I can not wait to hear this!



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 Posted: Sun Feb 23rd, 2020 06:36 pm
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samiamiamsam
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I'm not great at lyrical feedback, but I like what you've got here.
Any ideas for music?



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 Posted: Sun Feb 23rd, 2020 08:44 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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in my mind yes.... but noone that might help me get it outta there



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Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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