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| Posted: Mon Feb 17th, 2020 04:19 pm |
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1st Post |
RainbowKeeper
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Hey guys,
Maybe someone can give me a little help or at least an opinion on songlyrics I wrote a while ago. This one is very close to my soul because it deals with something I have to battle my whole life.
Im unsure about the indirect- and direct speech here. Dunno if it’s understandable the way I want it to be... tyvm for your help!
STRANGE VISITOR
Oh, hello, this seat is taken
Yes that doesn’t matter to you
Oh please, don’t ask me how i ve been
You know that, yes I know you do
Be sure my friend will arrive soon
So why don’t you leave me alone?
Ok but please only one drink
But his devils smile made me groan
You really try to conquer me
I don’t think that you’re strong enough
Then he stood up, ready to leave
Be prepared, ‘cause it ain’t a bluff
He looked at me with his red eyes
Glimerin’ so mystically
I will stay here as your shadow
Knowing what your last words will be
“And when he finally comes to free you
You’ll already been gone
And when he finally come to save you
All that’s left are pieces of a broken heart
And when he finally comes to help you
You’ll already been mine!
This will be the stories end
A true soul has been broken apart”
You will never be prepared
You will never be ready
You will never be prepared
For him, his red eyes and his demonic grin
You will never be prepared
You will never be ready
You will never be prepared
And its more than possible, that he will win
And then he laughed and turned around
And made me pay for his drink, too
All I wanted was company
Yes, I’m still waiting here for you
©&® by Ian P.
W + M by Ian P.
29.10.2013 for: VALENTINE
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Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
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| Posted: Tue Feb 18th, 2020 03:52 am |
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RainyDayMan
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I don't mind the indirect speech, and I think it works, but I'd be careful about mixing and matching it with other styles and changing perspectives.
You've said your unsure if it's understandable, so here is how I interpreted it.
Oh, hello, this seat is taken
(he is approaching, she doesn't want to interact with him)
Yes that doesn’t matter to you
(he is going to sit regardless of her wishes)
Oh please, don’t ask me how i ve been
You know that, yes I know you do
(She's hurting, he is the cause and he knows it)
Be sure my friend will arrive soon
So why don’t you leave me alone?
(Trying to convince him she has someone else new and wants him to leave)
Ok but please only one drink
(He won't take No for an answer, says he only wants a quick drink, what harm can that do? There's no rational reason to refuse)
But his devils smile made me groan
(He still has power over her, she is afraid of what might come next)
At “And when he finally comes to free you", I'm reading that as him addressing her directly, but if that's right, the switch in perspective might lose some people.
When you get to "You will never be prepared", I read that as "I will never be prepared" but the "You" could be confusing.
And the "Devil's smile" reference and his "red eyes" hint that maybe there is something more sinister here than just an ex tormenting his former lover.
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https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=708281
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| Posted: Tue Feb 18th, 2020 02:59 pm |
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3rd Post |
RainbowKeeper
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Hey,
Yep u got all the info and intentions right. Only one thing that’s different at that’s pm stuff. I don’t wanna do that in an open convo.
The part in the middle „you will never be prepared“ is, btw, a part where I imagine some kind of „knowing-all“ storyteller to sing. A person that knows about the situation and what will happen. Maybe I will speak it or havin it as a background voice.
Ty for your opinion!
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Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
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| Posted: Tue Feb 18th, 2020 10:09 pm |
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4th Post |
Andrea
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This is so intriguing, I like it a lot. What genre do hear this in?
Here are places where I can maybe see an issue (and a couple extra ideas)
V1
"Oh, hello, this seat is taken
Yes that doesn’t matter to you" - might say guess instead of yes just a personal preference
I think I know what you are saying, but line 4 is hard for me to understand.
V2
"You really try to conquer me" - I might say you still...
"Then he stood up, ready to leave
Be prepared, ‘cause it ain’t a bluff" - here you lose first person. I would keep it to first person, ie Then (or as) he stood, ready to leave, I wasn't prepared to call his bluff
Again you switch out of first person:
"I will stay here as your shadow
Knowing what your last words will be
Maybe " he said, I'll always be your shadow"
I like the idea of the middle part being said or sung by a narrator. I can imagine a deep strong voice. Like doom talking.
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Andrea
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| Posted: Tue Feb 18th, 2020 10:13 pm |
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5th Post |
RainbowKeeper
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Hey, thanks for Ur Input!
Gave me some good words to make it sound more perfect.
The person switch is wanted....that’s why I ask if it’s understandable.
If u want I can tell u more in a pm
____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters
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