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 Posted: Tue Feb 11th, 2020 01:39 pm
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M.P. Dudash
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We’re rising up from the ashes
Calling for a purge
While all of the puppet masters
Gasp for their final words

They’re trying to pull the wool
Over the people’s eyes
Rise up! rise up!
Over the king says I!

Rise up! rise up!
Over the king says I
Over the king says I
Rise up rise up
Over the king says I!

They think they are the wise ones
We’re servants of their ways
But little they know the masses
Are waiting for the day

Rise up! rise up!
Over the king says I!
The wolf’s just the devil in hiding
Beneath his own disguise!

Rise up! rise up!
Over the king says I
Over the king says I
Rise up! rise up!
Over the king says I!

They send our sons and our daughters
Off to do their deeds
They take and they take never meeting their fate
This is insanity!!

Rise up! rise up!
Over the king says I!
It’s time that they pay
For the games that they play
Over the king says I !!


Rise up! rise up!
Over the king says I
Over the king says I
Over the king says I
Rise up! rise up!
Over the king says I!
Over the king says I
Over the king says I
Rise up! rise up!
Over the king says I !!!

Copyright © Michael P. Dudash 2/11/2020

Last edited on Tue Feb 11th, 2020 10:41 pm by M.P. Dudash



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 Posted: Tue Feb 11th, 2020 02:39 pm
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Andrea
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Hey Mike, The message works as rock/metal song. It has a good flow and should sing strong.

My first quick thoughts. I will try to come back with some more later. I think you will find some people will not like "sheeple". I once used the word frenemy and it did not go over well.

"They think they are the wise ones
Calling us out to play" ---I am not keen on the word play. Maybe I am misunderstanding, but I am interpreting this as the king sending the denizens to battle for him. I think there could be a stronger term than play.



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 Posted: Tue Feb 11th, 2020 10:26 pm
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M.P. Dudash
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Thanks Andrea. You may be right about sheeple. As for the other I think I may do as you suggested and make the change there. Thanks for looking



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 Posted: Thu Feb 13th, 2020 09:11 pm
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RainyDayMan
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I like the rhythm of this and there's plenty of energy and attitude. Should make for a strong groove.

The Rise up! Rise up! lines should sing out well as Andrea noted and are likely to stick in the memory too.

The "says I" bothers me a bit, and that's obviously a key phrase. Feels unnatural and archaic. Would be good get some more views on that - I'm quite willing to believe that's a personal reaction.

I'd look at "over the people's eyes" and see if you can switch that to 1st or 2nd person (as per the rest). More like "over (y)our eyes" but that doesn't fit the meter well there.



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 Posted: Fri Feb 14th, 2020 07:25 pm
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Billy_Lunch_Money
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Hi. The "says I" part doesn't quite sit well for me either. I do find myself saying "Sez I." It might give a slightly different feel.



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 Posted: Fri Feb 14th, 2020 10:13 pm
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M.P. Dudash
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Thanks for looking Owen and Bill. To be honest I was going for a modern message with an older twist to it. I’ll have no problem throwing it in the scrap bin. They’re not all hits, that’s for sure.



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 Posted: Fri Feb 14th, 2020 10:27 pm
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Billy_Lunch_Money
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Scrap Bin? I don't know at the moment I like keeping mine even when they're absolute rubbish. Later I can look back and I get to see how far I come and on rare occasions they'll spark something even better.



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 Posted: Fri Feb 14th, 2020 11:42 pm
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M.P. Dudash
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I’m a country guy so this metal thing was just a shot in the dark anyways. Truth be told I very seldom revisit lyrics, even ones that people swear just need a few tweaks. I get bored with them and move on to the next one usually. That’s why I need to find a good co-writer. Someone who can make the tweaks to what I’ve already got.



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 Posted: Mon Feb 17th, 2020 11:26 pm
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Andrea
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Yo - I will co- write with you any day.

For today, it is looking better. Here are a couple more ideas to use or lose:

We’re rising up from the ashes
Calling for a purge
we will make the puppet masters
Gasp for their final words

as(while) they try to pull the wool
Over the people’s eyes

The wolf’s just the devil in hiding -The wolf is just the devil hiding

Hope you keep working on this :)



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