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Street Warrior
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 Posted: Sun Feb 9th, 2020 12:28 am
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Andrea
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I have made a couple small changes based on feedback received. The changes have been made and the original lines are in parentheses. I am still contemplating some other suggestions. Fell free to chime in with further comments and suggestions. Thanks

Street Warrior

V1
Life is bereft
living on the streets
all of my clothes
I wear on my back
my stomach aches
with no food in my pack

V2
Life is wicked
living on the streets
winter chills my bones
heat in summer burns me (changes round to burn me)
there is no escape
there's no sanctuary

Chorus 1
I feel tattered ----I may be tattered
and I feel torn ----I may be torn
but, I am alive
I will fight
I will survive
I am, the street warrior
yes, I will fight
I will survive
I am, the street warrior

V3
Life is lonely
living on the street
no hand to hold
and no love to share
strangers pass on by
with cold empty stares

V4
Life is scary
living on the streets
no walls for protection
no one has your back
it's fight or flight (it's run or a blade)
when the desperate attack

Chorus 2
I can bruise
and I can bleed
but, I am alive
I will fight
I will survive
I am the street warrior
yes, I will fight
I will survive
I am the street warrior

Bridge
Don't write me off
just yet
Don't count me out
not yet
I may be down
but, I am not out
my fight isn't over yet


I may be tattered ---- I feel tattered
I may be torn ------ I feel torn
but, I am alive
I will fight
I will survive
I am, the street warrior
I can bruise
and I can bleed
but, I am alive
I will fight
I will survive
I am the street warrior
yes, I will fight
I will survive
I am the street warrior

Last edited on Thu Feb 13th, 2020 09:47 pm by Andrea



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 Posted: Sun Feb 9th, 2020 01:03 am
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M.P. Dudash
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Andrea, original idea for sure. Since I can’t get the tune I will offer up what I would suggest. Again, take or leave since I can’t hear the music. V1 and V2 I would lose living. It brings the syllable count closer. V2 I’m not sure what changes round to burn me means. I like the chorus but would probably change I’m the street warrior to I’m a street warrior. The bridge is my favorite part. As always take or leave. My suggestions may throw it out of whack.



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 Posted: Sun Feb 9th, 2020 01:14 am
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Andrea
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Thanks for the feedback M.P.

Since living is in each chorus, I am not sure it impacts the syllable count. On the other had, it is one word I have considered dropping. I will reconsider this.

" V2 I’m not sure what changes round to burn me means."
It is a reference to the changing seasons - winter changes to summer. This has been the verse that is giving me the most trouble (I see it is not clear as it stands - bummer).

I totally appreciate your feedback and will make some changes soon. 'A street warrior to start! Thank you :)



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 Posted: Sun Feb 9th, 2020 07:35 pm
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cmaja
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Hi, Andrea... This is gritty. I love it! “Changes round to burn me,” maybe “Summer heat burns me.” Love the chorus! V3, line 3: maybe, “No arms to hold me.” V4, line 5: perhaps, “It’s blade or evade” or “It’s fight or it’s flight.” But overall it’s a great lyric for a hard rock/metal song. Good write!

Charles



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 Posted: Sun Feb 9th, 2020 09:58 pm
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Andrea
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Thanks for the feedback Charles. So happy you like it!

Funny, I actually started with "Summer heat burns me” and changed it. I will definitely revisit this idea.

Thank you for the other suggestions. I will give them much thought.



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 Posted: Mon Feb 10th, 2020 12:04 am
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RainyDayMan
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I like the theme here and the chorus feels tight to me.
I get a sense of energy there and a pugnacious drive to survive.

The verses are where I think a little work is needed.
I would suggest re-arranging them like:
all of my clothes
I wear on my back
my stomach aches
with no food in my pack
Life is bereft
living on the streets

I think the rhythm is clearer, and you get to end on living on the streets which is a good lead into your chorus.



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 Posted: Mon Feb 10th, 2020 06:16 pm
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Andrea
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RainyDayMan wrote:
I like the theme here and the chorus feels tight to me.
I get a sense of energy there and a pugnacious drive to survive.

The verses are where I think a little work is needed.
I would suggest re-arranging them like:
all of my clothes
I wear on my back
my stomach aches
with no food in my pack
Life is bereft
living on the streets

I think the rhythm is clearer, and you get to end on living on the streets which is a good lead into your chorus.


Thanks for the feedback RDM. This is an interesting idea. I will have to play that through my mind a few times to see if I can come up with a tune. I am getting some nice suggestions for improvement. I am going to have to sit down and see what works.



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 Posted: Mon Feb 10th, 2020 09:02 pm
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Billy_Lunch_Money
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That's good! Since I'm still learning the ropes I particularly like the different choruses and the way you've merged them at the end.



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 Posted: Tue Feb 11th, 2020 03:12 pm
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Andrea
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Thanks for positive feedback B_L_M.



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 Posted: Thu Feb 13th, 2020 08:53 pm
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Billy_Lunch_Money
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Andrea, there is something niggling at me a little. The syllable count in the first lines of chorus 1 and 2 are different, it doesn't quite rhyme, is it on purpose?



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 Posted: Thu Feb 13th, 2020 09:40 pm
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Andrea
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Billy_Lunch_Money wrote:
Andrea, there is something niggling at me a little. The syllable count in the first lines of chorus 1 and 2 are different, it doesn't quite rhyme, is it on purpose?

Hi BLM, I appreciate the second look and additional feedback. You are correct - The syllable count in C1 and C2 do not match. I actually didn't even notice this. I have worked a change that should make them the closer. As far as rhyming goes. Parts of the chorus rhyme, but " I am the street warrior" line was not meant to rhyme. Is that what you are referring to? Thanks

Last edited on Thu Feb 13th, 2020 09:47 pm by Andrea



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 Posted: Fri Feb 14th, 2020 02:19 am
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Billy_Lunch_Money
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Andrea, it was just the first lines in each chorus!:Thumbs



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