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Morning rap (original)
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Tue Feb 4th, 2020 01:16 pm
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highvibrational
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Hello all,
I hope you are doing well. I just made my first rap song/video about my morning commute as an fun experiment. It's meant to be humorous. I'd love to get your feedback. Thank you.

https://youtu.be/ZfbJ0j9Xfh0


Lyrics:
An alarm wakes me up at six
WFUV playing old and new
I snooze for a little bit
Since I’ve got a moment or two

Listen to Bowie or a folksy tune
Mind opens up, throws a rune
Who knows what will come today
A song, idea for a play
When you’re empty, it’s all a mystery baby
Channel for a story, history maybe
I never know what fits in the cracks
Lego blocks make up the front and back
Builders rise and with a knack
Making all anew, it’s a tidy little shack

The street rubs sleep out of its eyes
I look up and see prewar bricks, it’s a piece of sky
Little nippy when I walk on by
Two little girls wave at me from my right

We’re all on time
With minutes to spare
Can breathe a sigh
Jazzy little air drawing nigh

Alice’s tea cup’s got my scone
Goods in hand, I come undone

Take the number 1 downtown
Find my way down to the platform
A place by the door next to the subway poem
Where everyone’s mind can roam
For just a moment
Before hitting the pavement
It’s what I mean

I work in the theater district
Where shows are made for all to see
It’s my soldier’s story
Where a voice and guitar speak loudly

I love my life and I thank you all
Hallelujah!

copyright 2020 Paulina Butterfly

Last edited on Wed Feb 5th, 2020 12:29 pm by highvibrational



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 Posted: Tue Feb 4th, 2020 10:26 pm
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ChrisPrice
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Rapping is something I wouldn't dare attempt. Not because I don't like it, but I wouldn't know where to start!!

I really enjoyed this. Every time I see pics of NYC it makes me want to visit again - it's been too long. Soon I hope...trouble is I hate flying.

I think this is great fun, it kinda tells a story like everything of yours I've listened to. Keep 'em coming Paulina - I'm on side.

:)

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 Posted: Wed Feb 5th, 2020 12:33 pm
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highvibrational
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ChrisPrice wrote:
Rapping is something I wouldn't dare attempt. Not because I don't like it, but I wouldn't know where to start!!

I really enjoyed this. Every time I see pics of NYC it makes me want to visit again - it's been too long. Soon I hope...trouble is I hate flying.

I think this is great fun, it kinda tells a story like everything of yours I've listened to. Keep 'em coming Paulina - I'm on side.

:)


Thank you, Chris. I laughed a lot making this one! :)
My feeling is that if I write about my own life, it will have a certain authenticity that I can count on.

As Billy Joel would sing, "some folks like to get away, take a holiday from the neighborhood..." How about a bus to NYC?



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 Posted: Thu Feb 6th, 2020 12:15 am
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RainyDayMan
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Good on you for having a go at a new style!

If you are able to add an instrument to the backing, that might work well. A bass following the rhythm or even a synth with some long spacey chords maybe?

It's a snapshot sort of song, what it's like living in NYC and sort of drifting through the morning. I'd like to hear some hook phrase repeated in there summarizing that- something to get stuck in my mind. At the moment, once the song ends I can't really recall any specific line or phrase.



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 Posted: Thu Feb 6th, 2020 12:29 pm
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highvibrational
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RainyDayMan wrote:
Good on you for having a go at a new style!

If you are able to add an instrument to the backing, that might work well. A bass following the rhythm or even a synth with some long spacey chords maybe?

It's a snapshot sort of song, what it's like living in NYC and sort of drifting through the morning. I'd like to hear some hook phrase repeated in there summarizing that- something to get stuck in my mind. At the moment, once the song ends I can't really recall any specific line or phrase.


Thank you for your thoughts, which I completely agree with. I realize so much more can be done with this sort of song and in my mind, I have the new elements that I can add. It's just a matter of finding out how to do it, since I've been so guitar-oriented.



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 Posted: Sun Feb 9th, 2020 06:26 am
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jamestoffee
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Nice use of sensory details.

I think it's worth doing more songs/raps like this because is makes one sensitive to stress syllables in words.

Hearing the outro "I love my life and I thank you all
Hallelujah!" may make for a good chorus to sing a couple times earlier in the song....and maybe add NY....

I love my life and I love New York

or

I love my New York City life

Your rap reminds me about the teaching tool called "Jazz Chants"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_nPUuPryCs

Thanks for sharing.

James



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 Posted: Mon Feb 10th, 2020 02:26 pm
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highvibrational
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jamestoffee wrote:
Nice use of sensory details.

I think it's worth doing more songs/raps like this because is makes one sensitive to stress syllables in words.

Hearing the outro "I love my life and I thank you all
Hallelujah!" may make for a good chorus to sing a couple times earlier in the song....and maybe add NY....

I love my life and I love New York

or

I love my New York City life

Your rap reminds me about the teaching tool called "Jazz Chants"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_nPUuPryCs

Thanks for sharing.

James


Thank you, James. I agree. I feel as though rap songs will help me with syllable sensitivity, which is something I can use. My next one will have more repetition, complexity and a memorable chorus that will tie it all together.



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