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GOOD LYRICS OR CLICHE?
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 Posted: Fri Jan 31st, 2020 01:41 pm
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Becki5
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"NO ONE IS TO BLAME"



When you're young, decisions are made with a much lighter heart
Not knowing where it will take you or if it will tear your life apart

I always reached out with both hands
Hoping you would do the same
But like a mirage you weren't there
No one is to blame


Just one time, one time, I would’ve liked to hear you say
“I’m proud of you even if things didn’t go your way,”
Who knows, who knows, if I’d be a better person now
Someplace, somewhere, someway, somehow.


I took life as it was handed
Thought that it would always pan out
Never judged your imperfections
No "I love you’s" left unquestioned

Those endless promises you made
Amusement parks and baseball games
But like the seasons your mind had changed
No one is to blame



Just one time, one time, I would’ve liked to hear you say
“I’m proud of you even if things didn’t go your way,”
Who knows, who knows, if I’d be a better person now
Someplace, somewhere, someway, somehow.


I just wanted your attention
Not to mention love and affection
But with that heart of stone
You had left me all alone

Your approval was much so needed
And now my love for you has weeded
Just like a dying flame
No one is to blame

Just one time, one time, I would’ve liked to hear you say
“I’m proud of you even if things didn’t go your way,”
Who knows, who knows, if I’d be a better person now
Someplace, somewhere, someway, and somehow.


This feeling is too familiar
Just looking to need to know here
When this emotion will succumb
I feel like I'm the only one

This pain has left me to discover
Oh, how my heart and mind won't recover
How do you forgive someone with no soul?
Scarred for life, forcing up a wall


Just one time, one time, I would’ve liked to hear you say
“I’m proud of you even if things didn’t go your way,”
Who knows, who knows, if I’d be a better person now
Someplace, somewhere, someway, and somehow.


Like a frown, you pulled me down
More than I have should allowed
Tried to refrain from this pain
So many pieces still remain

No excuses
It is useless
Can’t look back
Too many issues
Simple and plain
You were the blame
Now I look at you with disdain

Just one time, one time, I would’ve liked to hear you say
“I’m proud of you even if things didn’t go your way,”
Who knows, who knows, if I’d be a better person now
Someplace, somewhere, someway, and somehow.

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 Posted: Sat Feb 1st, 2020 10:46 pm
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Billy_Lunch_Money
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Wow, this has the makings of a whole prog rock album. Where you thinking of a particular song style?



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 Posted: Sun Feb 2nd, 2020 04:43 am
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Becki5
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Hi Billy! Thanks for the response! I honestly felt as if these lyrics could go in a couple of directions, genre-wise. I initially was thinking along the same style as you had mentioned, a more soft progressive rock. However, I feel the lyrics could also be a ballad or even country also. Any suggestions as far as songwriting goes?

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 Posted: Sun Feb 2nd, 2020 05:31 pm
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Billy_Lunch_Money
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Your lyrics invoked a musical theme that reminded me of Marillion's Clutching at Straws album!



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 Posted: Sun Feb 2nd, 2020 08:20 pm
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Becki5
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I just listened to their album. I like the mysteriousness of the music and the storytelling lyrics. Nice!

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 Posted: Sun Feb 2nd, 2020 09:40 pm
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samiamiamsam
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I like the lyrics. Doesn't seem cliche to me at all.
Hopefully you can put them to some music.



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 Posted: Sun Feb 2nd, 2020 10:21 pm
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Becki5
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Hey, thanks Sam!! 👍🏻 I appreciate your feedback. It gives me good direction. And, yes, I will need to collaborate to produce some tunes to sync with the lyrics.

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 Posted: Mon Feb 3rd, 2020 09:03 pm
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Andrea
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Hi, I agree with Sam, the words do not come off cliché. Depending on the genre, it may be long. I am reading this is about a child and a absent parent. I felt the emotions come through.

Here: " No "I love you’s" left unquestioned" - unquestioned seems to go against the previous line ("Never judged your imperfections"). Maybe, No I love you's did I question?

The verses were strong until I this verse:
"Your approval was much so needed
And now my love for you has weeded - this rhyme seems forced
Just like a dying flame
No one is to blame"

I see how you the lyrics evolve from naïve/hurt child to independent stronger child/adult, but the later verses are not as strong. Also, since you make the determination that the parent is to blame, maybe consider adding But, (but, no one is to blame - sounds like an excuse this way, which seems to fit).

I think you could maybe condense this a bit, tweak it a bit and it will be really good. I am enjoying your lyrics very much :)



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 Posted: Wed Feb 5th, 2020 02:45 am
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Becki5
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Hey Andrea! Lots of great info here!! You are PHENOMINAL at giving feedback and it is very much appreciated. Thank you!!

And, yes, this song is about my father and I. My mother and I have never had a great relationship, even to this day. My father and I had much more in common, but he just wasn’t found of children, so he wasn’t interested in having a relationship with me. It takes a toll on you not having that love, security or stability in your life as a child. We never connected like I had hoped. He died in 2010. So, I am guessing, as many writers do, I am here expressing my emotions through lyrics.

Do you feel “Never judged your imperfections” and then “No I love you’s left unquestioned” is a double negative?

I also felt these lyrics were too long for a song....I was just on a roll.....hahaha!!

I am going to come up with an alternative verse for, “My love for you has weeded.” I like the analogy of “Just like a dying flame,” so I will try to work around that.

And, I will rewrite the second half of the lyrics and try to mirror the strength of the first half of the lyrics (without it sounding forced).

Thanks again Andrea!!

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 Posted: Wed Feb 5th, 2020 04:58 pm
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Andrea
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Hi Becki5, I am happy if my feedback can help in any way. IUnfortunately, I also understand the lack of parental relationships. Keep writing about it - the emotions are strong and I am sure there are many others who will relate.

I like this line “Never judged your imperfections” and yes “No I love you’s left unquestioned” sounds like a double negative. It reads to me that you questioned all the I love you's.

I see you posted this in the lyrics category now. I will check there for any updates (I'll watch it there). Enjoy



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 Posted: Wed Feb 5th, 2020 08:04 pm
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btate67
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Southern rock, maybe Blackberry smoke

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 Posted: Wed Feb 5th, 2020 08:08 pm
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btate67
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Yeah, it could go in any direction l can see that. Just keep writing, you have the talent.

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 Posted: Thu Feb 27th, 2020 07:10 pm
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Becki5
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Hi btate67! Thank your for your response. I apologize for the long delay. I am not familiar with Blackberry Smoke. I will have to check them out. And, thank you for the kind and motivating words. I appreciate it. ;)

Last edited on Thu Feb 27th, 2020 07:12 pm by Becki5

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