The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters Home 

Welcome to The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters!
Please log on to view our discussion forum in its entirety.

Another song
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
 Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Wed Jan 29th, 2020 09:54 pm
  PMQuoteReply
1st Post
Billy_Lunch_Money
Contributor


Joined: Fri Mar 2nd, 2018
Location: Leicester, United Kingdom
Posts: 168
Favorite Artist: Hendrix,Nirvana,Ozric Tentacles,Messa,Alice in Chains,Windhand,Khruangbin
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Hi guys. Sorry I've been away for a while raising kids and cats, repairing guitars and making pedals. I got this set of lyrics. I think I've finished it. But I'm not 100% sure of that. The Backing music I've got in mind is a country blue folk style.

Just let me go.

I don't want to be here no more, just let me go!
It will do us more harm than good, just let me go!

I feel the ache in my bones, to the marrow.
All the tears you stole from me guess your heart's made of stone.

I don't want to be here no more honey, just let me go!
It will do us more harm baby, just let me go!

There's all the lies you told, as you dug your own hole.
The stories you sold yourself and the people you told.

I don't want to be here no more honey, just let me go!
It will do us more harm baby, just let me go!

I wish the skies would open, and swallow me whole.
There's wound where my heart used to be, and it burns through my soul.

I don't want to be here no more honey, just let me go!
It will do us more harm baby, just let me go!
I don't want to be here no more honey, just let me go!


© 2020 Oz Clarke

Let me know what you think!

Last edited on Mon Feb 3rd, 2020 04:35 pm by Billy_Lunch_Money



____________________
Sorry I've been away for so long. I'm gonna try and catch up on everything that's been going on.

https://soundcloud.com/elijah-falls
Back To Top 


 Posted: Tue Feb 4th, 2020 08:16 am
  PMQuoteReply
2nd Post
RainyDayMan
TSF Administrator


Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 6552
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
I like that refrain! And it feels like it should fit the musical style you have in mind. It has a definite mood and vibe going.

The verses feel a bit short. I can't hear what you have in mind musically, but just reading it, the refrain seems to come back very quickly.

The marrow/stone lines stand out as not rhyming the way the others do. You can probably get away with that here given the continuing repeat on "just let me go!". Some variation isn't a bad thing. And again the music might emphasize or de-emphasize that.

And you might consider a break/middle 8 just to shake things up a bit, although a solo could also do the same job.



____________________
https://soundcloud.com/RainyDayMan/tracks
https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=708281
Back To Top


 Posted: Tue Feb 4th, 2020 07:54 pm
  PMQuoteReply
3rd Post
Billy_Lunch_Money
Contributor


Joined: Fri Mar 2nd, 2018
Location: Leicester, United Kingdom
Posts: 168
Favorite Artist: Hendrix,Nirvana,Ozric Tentacles,Messa,Alice in Chains,Windhand,Khruangbin
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
A friend of mine said the same thing about the verses being short. I guess I went overboard culling lines. As for the marrow/stone lines, yeah I do struggle singing and play guitar at that point. plus it truly does need a bridge/middle 8, but nothing springs to mind at the moment, I was kind of hoping that by getting the body sorted it would come too. I've got time, I'll leave it for a few days, see if anyone else has any additional advice before having another bash at it.

Last edited on Tue Feb 4th, 2020 07:58 pm by Billy_Lunch_Money



____________________
Sorry I've been away for so long. I'm gonna try and catch up on everything that's been going on.

https://soundcloud.com/elijah-falls
Back To Top 


 Posted: Mon Feb 17th, 2020 09:39 pm
  PMQuoteReply
4th Post
Billy_Lunch_Money
Contributor


Joined: Fri Mar 2nd, 2018
Location: Leicester, United Kingdom
Posts: 168
Favorite Artist: Hendrix,Nirvana,Ozric Tentacles,Messa,Alice in Chains,Windhand,Khruangbin
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Thanks to Andrea's input on this I think it's almost complete. I'm going to put Andreas contributions in italics! that way everyone can see the progress.


I feel the ache in my bones, down to the marrow.
The tears you stole from me, still your heart's frozen cold
Deceived by the lies you told, as you dug your own hole.

There is nothing left for us here anymore

I don't want to be here no more, Just let me go!
It will do us more harm. Just let me go!


The lies that I forgave, now burn like hot coals
The stories you sold yourself and the people you told.
The years took there tole on me, your heart’s made of stone.

There is nothing left for us here anymore

I don't want to be here no more, Just let me go!
It will do us more harm. Just let me go!


I've got nowhere to go, I think you should know.
There's a wound where my heart used to be, and it burns to my soul.
Wish the skies would open, and swallow me whole.

There is nothing left for us here anymore

I don't want to be here no more, Just let me go!
It will do us more harm, sugar. Just let me go!

I don't want to be here no more, Just let me go!
It will do us more harm, sugar. Just let me go!



Also at some point tonight I'm going assemble a backing for for it and slap it on sound cloud. At least that way you can get a feel for how it goes.


Last edited on Sun Feb 23rd, 2020 12:34 am by Billy_Lunch_Money



____________________
Sorry I've been away for so long. I'm gonna try and catch up on everything that's been going on.

https://soundcloud.com/elijah-falls
Back To Top


 Posted: Tue Feb 18th, 2020 09:59 pm
  PMQuoteReply
5th Post
Andrea
Moderator
 

Joined: Tue Nov 27th, 2018
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York USA
Posts: 1651
Favorite Artist: Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Hey Billy, As per our PM I am posting my ideas for a new rhyme scheme/verses. BTW, I often write in metal so the short verses may not fit what you had in mind. Words can always be strung out to make it less choppy.

I was having a hard time with the rhyme scheme, so here my attempt to simplify (I am kind of keen on the chorus so have nothing to offer):

I feel the ache in my bones
straight to the core
all my years(tears) that you stole
your heart’s made of stone
There is nothing left for us here anymore

Deceived by the lies you told
lies that I forgave
jaded I finally see
your heart's frozen cold
you're dead to me now, you made(dug) your own grave

There's a wound where my heart used to be
burns to my soul.
I feel so lost and alone
consumed by misery
Wish the skies would open, and swallow me whole.



____________________
Andrea
Back To Top 


 Posted: Sun Feb 23rd, 2020 12:31 am
  PMQuoteReply
6th Post
Billy_Lunch_Money
Contributor


Joined: Fri Mar 2nd, 2018
Location: Leicester, United Kingdom
Posts: 168
Favorite Artist: Hendrix,Nirvana,Ozric Tentacles,Messa,Alice in Chains,Windhand,Khruangbin
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
That didn't take long. There's a an incomplete backing track for the above lyrics with no solo at:

https://soundcloud.com/elijah-falls/just-let-me-go-instrumental

Please bear in mind I was rushing this track and have bumbled some of the chord changes and it also stops abruptly too. But it should give you a better idea of what I have in mind!

Last edited on Sun Feb 23rd, 2020 12:42 am by Billy_Lunch_Money



____________________
Sorry I've been away for so long. I'm gonna try and catch up on everything that's been going on.

https://soundcloud.com/elijah-falls
Back To Top


 Posted: Sat Mar 7th, 2020 07:29 pm
  PMQuoteReply
7th Post
Billy_Lunch_Money
Contributor


Joined: Fri Mar 2nd, 2018
Location: Leicester, United Kingdom
Posts: 168
Favorite Artist: Hendrix,Nirvana,Ozric Tentacles,Messa,Alice in Chains,Windhand,Khruangbin
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Thanks to Andrea's input on this I think it's almost complete. I'm going to put Andreas contributions in italics! that way everyone can see the progress.


I feel the ache in my bones, down to the marrow.
The tears you stole from me, still your heart's frozen cold
Deceived by the lies you told, as you dug your own hole.

There is nothing left for us here anymore

I don't want to be here no more, Just let me go!
It will do us more harm. Just let me go!


The lies that I forgave, now burn like hot coals
The stories you sold yourself and the people you told.
The years took there tole on me, your heart’s made of stone.

There is nothing left for us here anymore

I don't want to be here no more, Just let me go!
It will do us more harm. Just let me go!


I've got nowhere to go, I think you should know.
There's a wound where my heart used to be, and it burns to my soul.
Wish the skies would open, and swallow me whole.

There is nothing left for us here anymore

I don't want to be here no more, Just let me go!
It will do us more harm, sugar. Just let me go!

I don't want to be here no more, Just let me go!
It will do us more harm, sugar. Just let me go!



Also at some point tonight I've assembled (See link in my previous post) a backing for for it and slap it on sound cloud. At least that way you can get a feel for how it goes.



____________________
Sorry I've been away for so long. I'm gonna try and catch up on everything that's been going on.

https://soundcloud.com/elijah-falls
Back To Top 


 Posted: Sat Mar 7th, 2020 09:21 pm
  PMQuoteReply
8th Post
RainyDayMan
TSF Administrator


Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 6552
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Structurally it looks stronger.
Looking forward to hearing it :)



____________________
https://soundcloud.com/RainyDayMan/tracks
https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=708281
Back To Top


 Posted: Mon Mar 23rd, 2020 01:04 am
  PMQuoteReply
9th Post
Billy_Lunch_Money
Contributor


Joined: Fri Mar 2nd, 2018
Location: Leicester, United Kingdom
Posts: 168
Favorite Artist: Hendrix,Nirvana,Ozric Tentacles,Messa,Alice in Chains,Windhand,Khruangbin
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Now I've got time on my hands I'll have to learn how to sing and play it!



____________________
Sorry I've been away for so long. I'm gonna try and catch up on everything that's been going on.

https://soundcloud.com/elijah-falls
Back To Top 


 Posted: Mon Mar 23rd, 2020 01:04 am
  PMQuoteReply
10th Post
Billy_Lunch_Money
Contributor


Joined: Fri Mar 2nd, 2018
Location: Leicester, United Kingdom
Posts: 168
Favorite Artist: Hendrix,Nirvana,Ozric Tentacles,Messa,Alice in Chains,Windhand,Khruangbin
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Now I've got time on my hands I'll have to learn how to sing and play it!



____________________
Sorry I've been away for so long. I'm gonna try and catch up on everything that's been going on.

https://soundcloud.com/elijah-falls
Back To Top


Current time is 11:35 pm

Top



UltraBB 1.172 Copyright © 2007-2016 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1765 seconds (12% database + 88% PHP). 27 queries executed.