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Opinions about tense
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 Posted: Thu Jan 2nd, 2020 06:10 pm
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charlesmccullough
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I've just written a song and I'm not confident about the verb tense in the closing verse. Without further comment from me, I'd appreciate your thoughts on whether the verb tenses sound ok. Here's the verse in question. Thanks in advance! (Let me know if I've posted in the wrong forum and I'll move the post.)

And then alas, I came to see
The very thing shone deep in me
I came to see,
Shone deep in me

A galaxy of little stars
Lights a space within my heart
A sea of stars,
Burns in my heart

And so my dear, unwrap this ode
And claim as yours,
My flame bestowed

And so my dear, unwrap this ode
And claim as yours,
My flame bestowed

-----
©2020, Charles McCullough



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 Posted: Thu Jan 2nd, 2020 11:37 pm
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RainyDayMan
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It reads smoothly to me as is Charles.



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 Posted: Fri Jan 3rd, 2020 04:08 am
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M.P. Dudash
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It seems ok Charles. I could see changing my flame bestowed, to this flame bestowed if you wanted to change it up. Wouldn’t change the tense just the feel. Take it or leave it.



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 Posted: Tue Mar 3rd, 2020 05:06 pm
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Tekboy
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Everything in the song is in present tense, except "shone". I am a big stickler for keeping the same tense unless it is a storytelling ballad. I vote "shines". :)
Good stuff though.



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