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As you fade away
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Wed Nov 27th, 2019 09:20 pm
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Seamus2
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we were meant to be together
our dreams were the same
we chased those dreams together
you even took my name

I feel pain as you fade away
my eyes are full of tears
how can I say goodbye
after all these years

some things are meant to be
we were never meant to be apart
only death can separate us
the thought rips out my heart

now I stand here watching
as our dreams fade away
you were always there for me
that all changed today

How can I say goodbye
when that was never meant to be
you are my forever
I never wanted to be free

I feel pain as you fade away
my eyes are full of tears
how can I say goodbye
after all these years

CopyrightAlanEvans27112019

Last edited on Sat Nov 30th, 2019 01:43 pm by Seamus2

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 Posted: Thu Nov 28th, 2019 10:30 am
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bunnythesinger
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Alan, how very moving. I like this a lot. Very emotional...I like that first last verse as a chorus actually...
Start with the chorus, then V1, V2, chorus, V3, chorus,V4, chorus. Maybe an instrumental bridge in there. Very pretty piece. I like it a lot.

Nice write.

Bunny



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 Posted: Thu Nov 28th, 2019 08:48 pm
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Seamus2
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Thanks for looking and commenting friend.

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 Posted: Thu Nov 28th, 2019 09:46 pm
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RainyDayMan
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Very good portrayal of the emotional pain. Feels very real.

I'd like to see it start with:
we were meant to be together...

So maybe swap v1 and v2, or as Bunny said, potentially make V1 a chorus. I can see that would break the symmetry of the bookends, but I think it would still work.

"As you fade away" might be an alternate title for this one. Move the focus to the one departing.

Perhaps:
I feel pain > I feel the pain

Nice write!



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 Posted: Fri Nov 29th, 2019 08:00 pm
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Seamus2
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Thanks for looking Owen, you're probably right about the title not very well thought out, best to go with your idea, so if you could change that please, I'd be grateful.

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 Posted: Fri Nov 29th, 2019 09:20 pm
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RainyDayMan
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Done! Glad you found the suggestion helpful :)



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 Posted: Thu Dec 5th, 2019 07:32 pm
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Andrea
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I like this, it is quite beautiful. I am reading as the significant other has died, so I may suggest:

some things are meant to be
we were never meant to be apart
only death can separate us - it is death that separates us
the thought rips out my heart - and it rips out my heart

and maybe: you are my forever -you were my forever
I never wanted to be free



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 Posted: Fri Dec 6th, 2019 12:36 pm
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M.P. Dudash
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Nice emotional write Alan. Just a little thing, I do it a lot myself, make sure you change to past tense after her passing. Are to were. It’s little and not trying to nitpick just wanted to remind you. Overall, good work!



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