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Laid Eyes
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 Posted: Thu Nov 7th, 2019 10:41 pm
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Snowman
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I'm throwing this out there. I THINK (I of course can be way off) that this would make a really good country song. Which I'm kind of putting this together as. But, I'm not really a country artist. So, if anyone wants to take a stab at it, go to it.

The second part should be a country rap type thing.

She told me her story
In our bar downtown
She was in love
Love she finally found
I smiled and whispered
Best of luck
Choked on my beer
And the memories flood

Chorus
I want you be happy
Best pal of mine
I want you be happy
Best pal of mine
I'll cry and cry
Loved you since I first laid eyes

She looked so pretty
Dressed in white
I got jealous
At him she smiled
My heart shattered
Hearing kiss the bride
Forever regret
Her lips never touched mine

Repeat Chorus
(first laid eyes) First grade

Rap -
I pushed you down in the grass
You got up kicked my ass
Teacher grabbed us by the ear
Principal's office now you hear
We'd pass notes then cigarettes
You let me cheat off your tests
I always kept my suit pressed
Night of dances you'd be upset
Why would dates stand you up
Their bad actions was my good luck
I prayed each night before prom
It would be me hangin on your arm
I thought that night that we'd kiss
Looked in your eyes and I flinched
I realized the ugly truth - I was never gonna be
Good enough for you

Repeat Chorus
I'll cry and cry
Love till the day I die

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 Posted: Fri Nov 8th, 2019 08:26 am
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bunnythesinger
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Very interesting... the first verse is very nice indeed, got a country vibe to it, the second verse as well ( meter may need a little work...maybe not depending on phrasing and stylings ). The chorus is trendy and a hook ...I can hear it...sort of emo or indie country. I like it. And there have been a few country rapp- ish songs, which most country audiences would appreciate more than full on rap ( just my opinion, though ). Something with a country beat maybe country bass line or rhythm licks accompanying the rap portion. But I think it would work, and while the rap verse may need some tightening, Its a story and it works.

Nice job.

Bunny



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 Posted: Fri Nov 8th, 2019 03:25 pm
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SongWriterJoe
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Interesting. I get the vibe that you're not a native English speaker. Or is this caribbean creole?

Mind if I ask where you're from? The reason I say this is, for example, "laid eyes" without the supporting preposition with pronoun clause: (on you, etc), which takes away the clarity of meaning for that line.

Good "close rhymes", not everyone can get away with them. I use them sparingly, myself.

SWJ

Last edited on Fri Nov 8th, 2019 03:28 pm by SongWriterJoe



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 Posted: Fri Nov 8th, 2019 04:37 pm
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Snowman
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SongWriterJoe

Mind if I ask where you're from? The reason I say this is, for example, "laid eyes" without the supporting preposition with pronoun clause: (on you, etc), which takes away the clarity of meaning for that line.


SWJ


I'm sorry, I'm laughing. Not because of what you wrote. But, because English is the only language I speak. As I get older, I know my grammar (my punctuation has always sucked) is getting worse. I'm from New York.

I've actually heard my southern relatives (NC) use "laid eyes" without the "on you". It's slang. In this song it's like his choking on the beer, and best of luck, he's upset and not thinking straight.

In the chorus it should be "I want you to be happy". But, I left out the "to" for the same reason. When I hum my "not so" country version, it fits well. But, this really needs to be country, which is not my forte.

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 Posted: Fri Nov 8th, 2019 07:46 pm
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samiamiamsam
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I like it Snowman. I've heard the saying, "laid eyes" before, so I get it. I'm actually from NC.
Anyways, I hope to hear it with music soon.



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 Posted: Fri Nov 8th, 2019 09:26 pm
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Andrea
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I really liked the story. The different scenes played out the story nicely. I had a hard time with the flow as I read it. Maybe that is just me. I suppose music will aid in the flow.



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 Posted: Fri Nov 8th, 2019 10:19 pm
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Snowman
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samiamiamsam wrote:
I like it Snowman. I've heard the saying, "laid eyes" before, so I get it. I'm actually from NC.
Anyways, I hope to hear it with music soon.


My dad was from Roxboro. He liked Charlotte and Raleigh. Have you ever gone to Lexington BBQ? We've driven 600 miles just to get it.

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