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My American Dream
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 Posted: Tue Nov 5th, 2019 10:28 pm
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Andrea
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I have made some revisions based on feedback. Thank you for the help. I am always hoping to keep improving, so appreciate all comments. Thanks

This is my first post in country. I hear this as country rock.


My American Dream (Revision 1)

I never was the kind of guy
Who was taught to follow the rules
My dad survived on a life of crime
By fortune I followed in line

School I found a waste of time
I was born with all the right tools
All I need are a plan and a team
To achieve my American dream

(Yeah)
Enough, is never enough
Gonna push my luck
Till I'm living it up
And rollin in the bucks

I devised the master scheme
Dan drove the get away car
Tommy slipped the note of demand
The teller filled the bags and we ran

Twenty two banks in twenty two days
Cloak and dagger superstars
Gotta play the extremes
To achieve my American dream

(But)
Enough, is never enough
Gonna push my luck
Till I'm living it up
And rollin in the bucks

All good things must come to an end
That was at Fifth and Main
As shots rang out, I hit the floor
The others made it out a back door

I was mirandized and cuffed
Fingerprinted and booked
while the others made away with the score

Music break

I was never the kind of guy
who would snitch to lessen the blow
I accepted the plea they offered me
Ten years till I'd finally be free

Jail I found a waste of time
Days come and go way too slow
All I need is belief that my team
Is out there waiting for me

To achieve my American dream

Yeah)
Enough, is never enough
Gonna push my luck
Till I'm living it up
And rollin in the bucks



My American Dream (Original)

I never was the kind of guy
who was taught to follow the rules
my dad survived on a life of crime
nurtured I followed in line

School I found a waste of time
when the goods are out in the world
all I need are belief and a team
to achieve my American dream

Chorus

Enough is never enough
gonna push my luck
till I'm living it up
and rollin in the bucks

I devised the master plan
Dan drove the get away car
Tommy slipped the note of demand
the teller filled the bags and we ran

Twenty two banks in twenty two days
yeah, nothing could slow us down
gotta play the extremes
to achieve my American dream

Chorus
(But)
Enough is never enough
gonna push my luck
till I'm living it up
and rollin in the bucks

All good things must come to an end
that was at Fifth and Main
As shots rang out, I hit the floor
the others made it out a back door

I was mirandized and cuffed
fingerprinted and booked
while the others made away with the score

Music break

I was never the kind of guy
who would snitch to lessen the blow
I accepted the plea they offered me
Ten years till I'd finally be free

Jail I found a waste of time
when the payoff is out in the world
all I need is belief that my team
is out there waiting for me

to achieve my American dream

Enough is never enough
Gonna push my luck
Till I'm living it up
And rollin in the bucks

Last edited on Sun Nov 10th, 2019 01:42 am by Andrea



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 Posted: Wed Nov 6th, 2019 07:45 am
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RainyDayMan
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I like it Andrea. Interesting and different :)

I like the 'no apologies' attitude here, it fits the lyric nicely.

Good story and it rollicks along.

I get the feeling you have the music already in your head, if not recorded, and if so, the following may not be relevant, but the chorus feels a little short, and stylistically different to the verses. Not sure how they are going to integrate.

It looks like the rhyming scheme is X,X,A,A is that right? If you could pull it off, making the 2nd line rhyme across verses might be a good effect.

In v1 'nurture' didn't feel like a word this guy would use.
Maybe 'I followed the family line' or something like that?

In v2:
School I found a waste of time
like that line!

when the goods are out in the world
'goods' feels a bit out there. Maybe
when the good stuff is out in the world?

all I need are belief and a team
I would prefer 'a plan and a team' here.
I can see how you use 'belief' later on and kind of circle back to this, but to me it's not strong enough.

to achieve my American dream
strong line, which is why it's your hook!!

V3, 'note of demand' feels slightly awkward, but I can't come up with a better alternative.

v4 22 banks in 22 days is certainly extreme! Good for effect.

All good things must come to an end
that was at Fifth and Main

More good lines!

"mirandized" > maybe "mirandarized"?

made away > made off

I like how you end on the chorus. Feels like the right message for this song.



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 Posted: Wed Nov 6th, 2019 12:55 pm
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bunnythesinger
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Andrea, RDM addressed the little things I would have looked at..and I like his idea of the line 2 rhyme across the song. This is a really fun and nice foray into country. I like it a lot. I can hear it.. Glad to see you dipping your toe into the country pond. From what I can see, you should jump right in...Great chorus, by the way.
Great write.

Bunny

Last edited on Wed Nov 6th, 2019 12:57 pm by bunnythesinger



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 Posted: Wed Nov 6th, 2019 03:29 pm
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Andrea
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Thank you Owen for the very helpful feedback. I was worried that the chorus did not fit well. I haven’t thought of an alternative yet, but will think about how to improve here.

I do kind of have a tune in my head, but might not be strictly country (as I am not that familiar with country music). Wish I could say I had music recorded, but I broke my wrist a while back and it put a damper on my guitar lessons. I am just starting to play again.

Yes, my rhyme scheme is XXAA. Do mean across verses in that line 2 in V1 will rhyme with line 2 in V2?

In V1 I went back and forth with this alternative line for “nurtured I followed in line” – By fortune I followed in line. Do you think this works better?

I’ll think on goods vs good stuff as well as belief vs plan

Mirandized is what I meant, so I will keep that.

I like made off instead of made away.

I will think about all this advice and try to make some changes soon.



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 Posted: Wed Nov 6th, 2019 03:38 pm
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Andrea
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Thanks Bunny for the positive feedback. I still feel unsure about posting in the country section, but your comments make me feel a lot better.

RDM gave me a bunch of ideas for improvement. The rhyme scheme will be the hardest. Since you liked this idea too, I may have to give it a try.



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 Posted: Wed Nov 6th, 2019 09:14 pm
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RainyDayMan
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Andrea wrote:
Do mean across verses in that line 2 in V1 will rhyme with line 2 in V2?

Yes, exactly. And line 2 in V3 with line 2 in V4.



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 Posted: Thu Nov 7th, 2019 12:52 am
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Andrea
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RainyDayMan wrote:
Andrea wrote:
Do mean across verses in that line 2 in V1 will rhyme with line 2 in V2?

Yes, exactly. And line 2 in V3 with line 2 in V4.



This sounds very challenging. I think I will have to make a lot of changes to accomplish this task. I will try



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 Posted: Thu Nov 7th, 2019 01:04 am
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RainyDayMan
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Yes, it may prove impractical. See what happens :)



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 Posted: Fri Nov 8th, 2019 12:24 am
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Snowman
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This was nice. I tried singing it (out of key of course). Keeping country in mind, I found a few words here or there that can be changed, without losing the interpretation. BUT, that's my interpretation of the lyrics.

The one thing I've noticed on some of these music sites is, writers try to fit words in, and lose a coherent melody. This could fall into that category.

Overall, put your music to it. It's good to go.

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 Posted: Fri Nov 8th, 2019 09:13 pm
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Andrea
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Snowman wrote:
This was nice. I tried singing it (out of key of course). Keeping country in mind, I found a few words here or there that can be changed, without losing the interpretation. BUT, that's my interpretation of the lyrics.

The one thing I've noticed on some of these music sites is, writers try to fit words in, and lose a coherent melody. This could fall into that category.

Overall, put your music to it. It's good to go.



Thanks Snowman for reading and the feedback. I would love to hear your suggestions for word changes. I am not well versed in Country, as rock and sometimes pop are my usual genre. Having music for these will most likely have to come from help from someone else, so I appreciate any advice. Enjoy



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 Posted: Sat Nov 9th, 2019 06:50 pm
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Andrea
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Hi Owen, I have made revisions based on your suggestions. I think I managed to change the rhyme scheme. I also made changes to a few smaller items. I hope it sounds better. As always, I'll keep tweaking as needed. Thank you for all you help.



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 Posted: Sat Nov 9th, 2019 08:55 pm
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RainyDayMan
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You did well with the altered rhyming scheme Andrea! It all still flows smoothly as a story.

In terms of the alternatives you've listed, I cast my vote for:
I was born with all the right tools
Cloak and dagger superstars

Nice job on the rewrite!



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 Posted: Sun Nov 10th, 2019 01:20 am
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bunnythesinger
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Way to go Andrea. I really like it. I like the cloak and dagger version better and the days come and go way too slow version and I was born with all the right tools version....story is told so well... love the changes.. I am a big fan of rewrites... I am constantly rewriting even after I post. Just part of the process. You have a terrific song here.

Bunny



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 Posted: Sun Nov 10th, 2019 01:48 am
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Andrea
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Thanks so much Owen and Bunny. Surprisingly, changing the rhyming scheme wasn't as difficult as I first thought it would be. I think it is definitely better this way.

I used the alternative choices you both chose, as they were almost identical.

I still feel there are more changes I could make, but this is improving so much!



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 Posted: Sun Nov 10th, 2019 04:29 pm
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bunnythesinger
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Nicely done... I hear a voice like Travis Tritt on this, just the phrasings and word turns... not that its the same in any way ...but his stylings on Bible Belt and TROUBLE were what I thought of as I read. A little more up tempo.

Congrats, Bunny



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 Posted: Sun Nov 10th, 2019 09:56 pm
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Andrea
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bunnythesinger wrote:
Nicely done... I hear a voice like Travis Tritt on this, just the phrasings and word turns... not that its the same in any way ...but his stylings on Bible Belt and TROUBLE were what I thought of as I read. A little more up tempo.

Congrats, Bunny


I listened to both songs by Travis Tritt and they are so fun. I really like the rockin country. I would no complaints if my lyrics could sound somewhat like that! Thanks so much :)

Last edited on Thu Dec 5th, 2019 03:08 am by Andrea



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 Posted: Thu Dec 5th, 2019 01:21 am
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M.P. Dudash
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Cool take Andrea. Kind of a Bonnie and Clyde theme. Nice to see you doing some country stuff. Keep it up



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 Posted: Thu Dec 5th, 2019 07:36 pm
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Andrea
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Thanks M.P. Glad you liked it :)



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