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The Liberty
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Sun Nov 3rd, 2019 12:31 am
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bunnythesinger
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Descriptive story of a small town diner that helped save a town. Ive been working hard on some production and learning to use the studio. Hopefully Ill have things for you to hear soon, one way or the other. As always, please feel free to post suggestions, corrections and comments...and thanks for the read.

Bunny


The Liberty

The shopkeep bell rang four full times every afternoon at five
As Henry pushed the door and found his spot
Third stool from the counter's end next to the pie case
"Gimme the special, Stan and coffee, black and hot"

Stan mops up water rings and asks "How ya doin' Hank?"
As all of the other regulars straggle in
By six o'clock the clinking sounds of dinner filled the room
Through the buzz of small town diners gossiping

Chorus
Three neon silver dollars crowned three ancient picture windows
The Liberty in fancy script was painted on each pane
The marquee on the back wall listed all six daily specials
Three dollars buys you dinner, everybody knows your name

Bob and Ruth come everyday since Jillie's off at school
Pete the barber always gets his plate to go
The mayor and his wife are holding court in the back corner
And the patrons all take turns paying for Joe

Years back Stan lost his wife and son, drunk driver took them both
These small town angels rallied to his side
The love they shared to help him through his devastating loss
Became the defining moment in Stan's life

Pre chorus:
The beauty of a small town is the people
And the sense of family they seem to share
But small towns have a way of disappearing
Unless its people find a way to show they care
Stan worked very hard to show his gratitude
For all the kindnesses his neighbors gave
The Liberty would soon become the heartbeat
To keep another small town from the grave

Chorus
Three neon silver dollars crowned three ancient picture windows
The Liberty in fancy script was painted on each pane
The marquee on the back wall listed all six daily specials
Three dollars buys you dinner, everybody knows your name

© Copyright 2019 John Parrish

Last edited on Sun Nov 3rd, 2019 12:34 am by bunnythesinger



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 Posted: Sun Nov 3rd, 2019 01:38 am
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RainyDayMan
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Got a good feel to it Bunny, and a "feel good" factor too.
I like the descriptions. It's all very vivid.

You might consider using an ABAB rhyming scheme in your verse rather than _A_A. The lines are quite long (which is fine), but to me it felt too long before I hit the rhyme again.

I would take another look at the chorus. That last line is a cracker:
Three dollars buys you dinner, everybody knows your name
but the first 3 felt out of focus to me. This should be the heart of the song, and they felt like scenery that could be swapped out without changing anything. I'd look for less description and more emotion there.

But overall it paints a picture that I like.



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 Posted: Sun Nov 3rd, 2019 02:47 am
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bunnythesinger
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Yep, I agree, I wasnt sure it had a finished feel to it, and honestly was looking for suggestions for this one. I like the rhyme change... already have some ideas on this one...I started with the description when i started writing and the hominess aspect took over. Once again, it was one of those songs where a second set of eyes can help you spot what you cant see for looking. Will probably do a repost rather than edit...as a lot of changes will be made and i actually like the before and after process. Thanks RDM,

Bunny



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 Posted: Sun Nov 3rd, 2019 05:35 am
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bunnythesinger
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Here is the repost of The Liberty. Reworked the rhyme scheme and rewrote the chorus and moved the descriptive chorus to be a post chorus/outro.

Bunny
The Liberty

The shopkeep bell rang four full times every afternoon at five
As Henry pushed the door and found his spot
Third stool from the counter's end next to the case if pies
"Gimme the special, Stan and coffee, black and hot"

Stan mops up water rings and asks "How ya doin' Hank?"
As all of the other regulars straggle in
The sound of Stan's "Order Up" and rapid desk bell clang
Was heard above the buzz of small town gossiping

Chorus
You know you're at The Liberty when you open up the door
The aroma of the comfort food and burgers cooked in flame
Where the chat is always friendly, Keeps you coming back for more
Three dollars buys you dinner, everybody knows your name

Bob and Ruth come everyday since Jillie's off at school
Pete the barber always gets his plate to go
The mayor and his wife are holding court from counter stools
And the patrons all take turns paying for Old Joe

Drunk driver crossed the center line, Stan's family paid the cost
These small town angels rallied to his side
The love they shared to help him through his devastating loss
Became the defining moment in Stan's life

Bridge
The beauty of a small town is the people
And the sense of family they seem to share
But small towns have a way of disappearing
Unless its people find a way to show they care
Stan worked very hard to show his gratitude
For all the kindnesses his neighbors gave
The Liberty would soon become the heartbeat
To keep another small town from the grave

Chorus
You know you're at The Liberty when you open up the door
The smell of comfort food and burgers cooked by flame
Chat is always friendly, and you'll come back for more
Three dollars buys you dinner, everybody knows your name
Three dollars buys you dinner, everybody knows your name

Post chorus:
Three neon silver dollars crown three ancient picture windows
The Liberty in fancy script is painted on each pane
The marquee on the back wall lists all six daily specials
Three dollars buys you dinner, everybody knows your name

© Copyright 2019 John Parrish

Last edited on Sun Nov 3rd, 2019 01:28 pm by bunnythesinger



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 Posted: Sun Nov 3rd, 2019 06:08 am
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cmaja
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Hey Bunny, I’m glad you followed RD Man’s advice. Verses sing more smoothly. Your pre-chorus sounds more like a bridge. Change Liberty to restaurant and call it a bridge. You may want to cut the post chorus down a bit. Example:

The Liberty in fancy script painted on the window panes
Three dollars buys you dinner, they all know your name

Overall it’s quite good with a down-home feel. Great job, as usual!

Charles



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 Posted: Sun Nov 3rd, 2019 06:14 am
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RainyDayMan
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Nicely done sir! That works a treat.

I like the new chorus a lot, and the post-chorus works really well in that spot.

The rhyming scheme worked out too.

I'll throw in a couple more sugs for your consideration:
cooked by flame > cooked in flame
and you'll come back for more > keeps you coming back for more
but neither of those are critical, they're fine as is.

I'm impressed with your ability to re-write and improve :)



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 Posted: Sun Nov 3rd, 2019 01:03 pm
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bunnythesinger
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Location: Central Midlands, South Carolina USA
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Charles and RDM, thanks both of you for some great suggestions. Its funny, this actually started out as a much much longer poem/short story I was writing a few weeks ago called Thanksgiving at The Liberty...I couldnt really figure out where I wanted to go with it. I pulled this portion out for a lyric, and have actually considered a couple of sequels ... but I really dont know. The more I think about it the crazier it sounds. Thanks for the feedback, glad you like the trip into my fictional town.

Bunny



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