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Leave Me A Note
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 Posted: Wed Oct 16th, 2019 05:02 am
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bunnythesinger
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#19 in my 30 in 30
The new edited version...this one is evolvlng slightly. Just a fun tune.

Bunny

Leave Me a Note

Verse 1
The lipstick letter on the mirror read
"Im pretty sure you've noticed I'm not here
But while I was in your arms last night
You didnt seem to notice I was there"

Verse 2
Cereal letters left out on the table
Spelled in caps DONT FOLLOW ME DEAR
Meant, I need some space to find myself
And I don't think I can do that with you near

Chorus
My guess is that sometimes she thinks I'm clingy
There's times she thinks I won't let her in
And the voicemail she left me on my cell phone said
For God sake Honey, Please go buy a pen.

Instrumental verse

Bridge
I know that I could be a better husband
She tells me that in everything I do
My only hope is that she's gonna call soon
Because the cat is hungry and I can't find his food

Verse 3
In her closet cut out letters from a tabloid
Like a ransom note, glued to a paper read
Don't Panic, I'll Come Home When I'm Ready
In The Meantime, You Need To Make The Bed

Chorus
My guess is that sometimes she thinks I'm clingy
There's times she thinks I won't let her in
And the voicemail that left me on my cell phone said
For God sake, Honey, Please Go Buy A Pen

© Copyright 2019 John Parrish

Last edited on Wed Oct 16th, 2019 05:00 pm by bunnythesinger



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 Posted: Wed Oct 16th, 2019 06:10 am
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cmaja
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This is very good, Bunny! Your lines get a little stretchy in verse 3 and you should drop the ‘that’ from line two of the chorus, but overall you got a winner here!

Charles



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 Posted: Wed Oct 16th, 2019 06:50 am
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bunnythesinger
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Thanks for the suggestions Charles. Trimmed some fat in V3 and killed the ch L2 that. Glad you like it.

Bunny



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 Posted: Wed Oct 16th, 2019 01:11 pm
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SongWriterJoe
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Cute song. Some ideas, take 'em or leave 'em with a grain of salt:

Intro:
I've been kinda busy lately
And I'm not always there
So I asked her to leave me a note
I woke up and walked down the stairs

V1
Well, the red lipstick on the mirror said
"By now you've noticed I'm not there
While I was a-lyin' in your arms last night
You didnt really seem to care"

Verse 2
The cereal letters on our table
Spelled DONT TRY TO FOLLOW DEAR
Guess she meant, I need space to find myself
And I just can't do that with you here!

Chorus
Maybe she thinks sometimes I cling too much
(There's times she thinks I won't let her in)
[??????????? Where does this fit??? I'd rewrite]
And the voicemail that she left me said
For God's sake, hon hurry up and buy a pen!

Instrumental verse

Bridge
Hey, I should be a better husband
She lets me know that with all I do
I hope she calls home pretty soon
Cat's a squallin' an' I can't find his food!

Verse 3
Letters cut out from a magazine
Like a ransom note they read
Be Back When I'm Good And Ready
In The Meantime, Lazy, Make The Bed!

Last edited on Wed Oct 16th, 2019 05:11 pm by SongWriterJoe



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 Posted: Wed Oct 16th, 2019 01:43 pm
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bunnythesinger
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Thanks Joe, some good suggestions there. Edits will be coming on this one soon. Particularly like the intro.

Bunny

Last edited on Wed Oct 16th, 2019 01:44 pm by bunnythesinger



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 Posted: Wed Oct 16th, 2019 05:08 pm
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SongWriterJoe
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Youre welcome, bud. :Guitarman1:



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 Posted: Thu Oct 17th, 2019 10:20 pm
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RainyDayMan
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This one doesn't do it for me, Bunny.

It feels a bit all over the place.
The messages from cut out letters etc are kind of creepy whereas the cat food line is light and humorous.

"But while I was in your arms last night
You didnt seem to notice I was there"
doesn't match
"My guess is that sometimes she thinks I'm clingy"

and the "Please go buy a pen" is unexplained.

I like some of Joe's suggestions.
Make it consistently lighter, less dramatic, and with the focus on the husband rather than the wife.
Giving him room to make amends gives much more reason for her coming back.

A bit more cohesion needed for mine.



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 Posted: Sun Oct 20th, 2019 01:07 am
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bunnythesinger
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RDM and everyone else who commented...This one may get a rewrite when i finish the challenge... lol ...i like the concept, and I really thought the idea of her having to use the lipstick, alphabits, and ransom note because she couldnt find a pen pretty funny... and probably more needs to be said to drive that home. Again, when Im telling the joke I always get it , even when I do a crappy job of telling it. Ransom note,maybe too creepy( i get a little warped sometimes) i like the idea of him having a chance at redemption. A lot actually... I think the song has bones, maybe a toe, rib, and femur away from a skeleton yet. ..but bones. Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate feedback..I get better from it.

Bunny

Last edited on Sun Oct 20th, 2019 01:17 am by bunnythesinger



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 Posted: Sun Oct 20th, 2019 01:13 am
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RainyDayMan
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Sure, it's worth pursuing!
Read all the feedback then make your own decisions.
It has to come together in the way you want it to.



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